AFC West Status Report: Week 6

By Sonny Prier

Frump. Three losses and a "does not apply" for The West last week. Only the Chargers put up a struggle Sunday, unless you count Carson Palmer trying to open his pizza rolls.

He went 17/40 with 3 fumbles that rolled under the couch

We've got our first divisional power-showdown this week... Broncos at Chargers on Monday night! Five weeks in and these teams are still hard to peg. At last we'll get to see which side of mediocrity they fall on.




Denver's defense is indefensible

Woe unto this defense.  The game was advertised as "Brady vs Manning" but played out as "Brady vs Shit, Who Was Supposed To Cover Welker?"...

...again

New England put up four drives of at least 12 plays. The middle third of this game was a continuous Patriots highlight reel, my favorite being Woodhead's 20 yard run on 3rd and 17.

Denver has 2 INTs and 2 fumble recoveries on the season, 25th and 21st in the league. A defense that can't force turnovers puts lots of pressure on the offense to keep pace, and they sure didn't against NE with those 3 lost fumbles. If the defense can't be productive, and the offense can't be perfect, then all the 300 yard days in the world won't get the Denver Mannings to a better record than the Denver Tebows.




San Diego is officially respectable

The Saints game was not the catastrophe my cold, black heart was longing for. The Chargers were one untimely roughing the passer call (and another iffy pass interference call) away from burying New Orleans. They played above average football against an opponent that was doing the same. As a reward they get a loss, but also a week of my reluctant, fickle respect.

You did... OK. I guess.

On the unsarcastic upside... Ryan Matthews! He looked great, with all his hands and feet and whatnot moving in the proper directions! He led the team in carries and receptions! Unless Norv Turner, Jackie Battle should no longer be a threat to Ryan's production. This is great for Charger fan(s) and fantasy owners alike! Finally... some common ground for you animals.




Oakland has found inner peace and the true meaning of life

After last Sunday's embarrassing loss to Denver, Oakland head coach Dennis Allen reminded his players that football was just a game, and true winners and losers cannot be determined by some scoreboard. He instructed everyone to take the bye week off and reflect on what's truly important.

And so they departed...

Michael Huff taught himself sign language so he could describe the beauty of music to students at the California School for the Deaf.

Carson Palmer single-handedly designed and constructed a new wing onto an Oakland area women's homeless shelter.

Shane Lechler donated six units of mostly his own blood to victims of the 2010 Haiti earthquake.

Darrius Heyward-Bey started eating solid foods again.

Based on the resounding success of his team's bye week projects, Dennis Allen is expected to submit forfeits for the remainder of Oakland's 2012 schedule. "We can do so much to make so many people happy... except for on the football field".

As for Allen himself, "Awareness is fine and all, but it's meaningless if you don't take action. The rest of the league can wear their token October Pink, but I'll be performing a triple mastectomy on that alien hooker from Total Recall."

Mars: plenty of breathable air... no ozone layer

Kansas City has enthusiastically charged through the bottom of the barrel

The Chiefs' shittiness at football is surpassed only by their fans' shittiness at humanity. Even the historically savage Philly crowd only cheers when opposing players get hurt. In case you missed it, yes, the home crowd cheered when Matt Cassel got knocked out in the 4th quarter on Sunday. Yes, the same home crowd that purchased a private plane to fly an anti-Cassel/Pioli banner over the stadium. Yes, the same home crowd that is apparently not familiar with Brady Quinn's body of work.

Dear Kansas City Chiefs fans... when you've got the Sarah Palin of backup quarterbacks, you don't cheer when the president is shot.

I can see my career 67.3 quarterback rating from my house!

For the love of Pete! You're BEGGING to see a man that wasn't good enough for the Browns! Here's the list of Cleveland's starters since they got rid of Quinn for being below their standards: Colt McCoy, Jake Delhomme, Seneca Wallace, Brandon Weeden. If Matt Cassel is out next week, you turds will get what you deserve.

On a related note... Matt Cassel interception watch 2012: He threw 2 before getting knocked out. One was behind Bowe, who tipped it up for an easy pick. The second one was right in Bowe's hands, who tipped it up for an easy pick. If KC would sign more WRs and less volleyball players, Cassel's QB Rating would be thirty points higher.

The Chiefs are visiting Tampa Bay this week, so look forward to getting slaughtered by another sub-par team. I'll be sure to cheer when you go down.

Also: Larry Johnson was arrested for choking somebody. You're all terrible people.

AFC West Status Report: Week 5

By Sonny Prier

Every division in the AFC has a total of 7 wins. Maybe The West isn't such a boredom encrusted turd-can after all. They're just as good as everyone else, see? Equality! Parity! Conformity! You hear that, Chiefs? You're beautiful just the way you are!

... if you're a blind chick.

Denver is consistently inconsistent

No one crushes inferior opponents like the Broncos. No one withers in the face of superiority like the Broncos. The wins over Pittsburgh and Oakland are about as surprising as their losses to Atlanta and Houston. Here's a team that's performing right on par with their collective abilities on a week to week basis. Yet mysteriously, amid this stability, Peyton Manning's arm strength seems to be fluctuating wildly between noodly and cyborg. Look for Manning's muscular tissue to deteriorate into strands of beef jerky after losing to New England this weekend.

Draws 23.5 "blow to the helmet" calls per game. FACT.

Speaking of crushing inferior opponents...



San Diego is feasting on the dead

The three teams the Chargers have beaten average #27 on ESPN's power rankings. I don't mean to imply that they're bad, and I certainly don't mean to imply that they don't deserve to be leading the division.... but New Orleans is hosting them this weekend... and the 0-4 Saints are favored by 3 points over the 3-1 Chargers. Las Vegas does not screw around, and Las Vegas says that the San Diego Chargers are no better than the coachless, defenseless, winless New Orleans Saints. Good luck, guys.

TIMELY UPDATE! That line has just moved from 3 points to 4. Take a picture of this .750 winning percentage and lock it in a time capsule, Chargers. In 50 years you can crack it open and remember what hope was like.

Rivers Face 2062!

Oakland is... honestly I haven't been paying attention

Can you blame me? They've won between four and eight games for eight of the last nine seasons, and they're on that road again now. The Raiders are doing what the Raiders do. Ho hum. This is the boring kind of bad. I had high (low) expectations for Palmer, but he's merely awful, not comically atrocious. I guess Heyward-Bey getting his brain scrambled is something... but you can't laugh at that now like you could in the past.

"Scamp" doing his Darrius Heyward-Bey impersonation.

I'm bored.



Kansas City is contributing to this nation's high unemployment numbers

Sure, they're cashing checks, but that doesn't mean they're working! OH SNAP!

Matt Cassel threw three interceptions against San Diego last Sunday, but two of them hit KC receivers right in the hands. The failures of the team as a whole are unjustly piling up on poor Matt. All this does is trick casual observers into believing Cassel is the only problem on this all around horrendous team... but not Sam Mellinger of the Kansas City Star. He's finished with Cassel and everyone who supports him.

"Because this is beyond hope, beyond excuses, beyond any explanation that isn’t a fireable offense for everyone who can be fired. This is gross, and imagining it improving requires a stiff imagination or a stiffer drink."

Oh hells yeah! I love this guy. That is exactly the kind of hysteria I want surrounding my 1-3 teams! Are you taking notes, Oakland? And lest ye think Mr. Mellinger is a one hit wonder, check this bit stating that Romeo Crennell is a danger to Jamaal Charles' long-term health. (Great news for fantasy owners!)

He's right, of course. It's early, but if the next 12 games play out like the first 4 this team will need to be scattered to the corners of the earth so that it can never be assembled again. Like the Dream Team, only the EXACT OPPOSITE.

Happier times

As for Crennel himself, there's a reason he's frequently on point for this kind of critique. Here he is throwing his own team under the bus:

Asked what he could do to help fix the problems, Crennel said, “Just keep harping on them and repeating to them their responsibilities, put them in positions in practice where they’re forced to do what they’re supposed to do and then in a game, hopefully they’ll be able to get it done.”

Don't look at me! I just coach here!

AFC West Status Report: Week 3

By Sonny Prier

Intrigue! Drama! Failure! Triumph! We've got it all... most.

Denver is schizophrenic. 
Manning put the black hat on Monday night in Atlanta to balance out week one's all too perfect debut. We Broncos fans needed our soaring expectations tempered a bit after that thrashing of Pittsburgh, but mother of God, P-Dawg... that was an emotional double tap. His first quarter 3 INT disintegration is the kind of thing only Browns fans should have to endure.

Nothing like tapenade... and career low performances... together.

Is it over? Hells to the no. Prognosis is still promising. That they made the Falcons sweat in the end despite being -4 on turnovers is a sad kind of impressive, BUT I'LL TAKE IT! The defense looks competent, and Peyton still seems able to carry an entire offense.


San Diego is mysteriously overrated. 
Some individuals are being awfully generous to the Chargers considering the horrid teams they've beaten. Tennessee and Oakland are primed to finish with a combined 0-32 record, yet mainstream sports media often overlook this while marveling over Norv Turner's incredible and nearly unprecedented 2-0 start. 25 other teams in the NFL could have just as easily rolled to 2-0 against the combo of OAK/TEN. There's a decent chance that Atlanta will bring a hard dose of reality to San Diego this week.


Oakland is ADORABLE! 
When I come home after a long, crushing day of being out in The World, my loyal dog is always there at the door. No matter what horrible surprises each unforgiving day brings, dog will be there, a comforting beacon of stability. That's how I feel about the Raiders. They're like a puppy! Good old reliable shitty Oakland. Thank you for always being there for me. Getting crushed by Miami, the consensus worst team in football? Classic Oakland! Lost to SD due to not bothering to train the backup long snapper? Classic Oakland! (By the way... did anyone see him doing any warmup long snaps on the sidelines between those failed punt attempts? Because I sure didn't! CLASSIC!) I love you guys.

"Scamp" doing his Carson Palmer impersonation.

Kansas City is mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
My 10-6 division winners are a catastrophe. On the bright side, they've been so unfathomably bad that it'll be impossible for them to not improve. Would even go so far to say that they will beat NO this weekend on the road. But that's the hypothetical 1-2 Chiefs. These 0-2 Chiefs lead the NFL in laughability, a stat I just made up that scores a combination of crushed expectations and getting blown out by freaking Buffalo on a scale of 0 to Matt Leinart. Bonus points for local beat writers freaking the hell out.

AFC West: Underachievers Unite!

By Sonny Prier

Gross. No wonder there's an east coast bias.

These teams aren't so much "under the radar" as they are "asleep on the couch." If Peyton Manning weren't here to trick us all into thinking Denver is better than 8-8, the NFL might have forgotten to schedule their games.

On December 30th 2012, when the tree falls in these empty woods, here's how it'll land.

The Kansas City Chiefs (10-6)

I can't help it... I kind of like these guys. San Diego has been The Team in this division for every season in recent memory. But this is the year that KC takes the title of "Biggest Post Season Disappointment" from the Chargers. They are primed for a strong regular season run followed by an embarrassing playoff loss... and overdue. Not since 2006, when the Chiefs went almost three full quarters without gaining a single first down against the Indianapolis Colts and their 21st ranked defense, has KC been the AFC West's playoff sacrifice. Crennel, a real coach who his players respect, is in. Todd Haley, a man who was probably burned in effigy after every practice, is out. The team has bought in, and I'm one of those tools who thinks that means something. So is Kendrick Lewis: "Everything changed with that Green Bay win. This season kind of started then. It's been great since that day. Coach Crennel has us all believing."

Read more here: http://www.kansascity.com/2012/08/27/3781043/kansas-city-chiefs-2012-season.html#storylink=cpy"

The defense is solid. Bowe stayed in shape during his holdout. Jamaal Charles is running like he did in 2010. Matt Cassel is a quarterback. They just look good.

Jamaal Charles: 6.2 yards per carry and inches of forehead.

The Denver Broncos (8-8)

Question: What did the 2011 Denver Broncos have that distinguished it from the rest of the division winners?
Answer: A point differential of -81! (25th in the NFL!)

Ahhhh, Denver. The Little Six Win Team That Could. Last year was just adorable, wan't it? Plucky underdog defies all odds, achieves mediocrity, and backs into the playoffs. It's the kind of feel good story that makes you want to go out and hug a retarded kid. It took (multiple) acts of God for the 2011 Denver Broncos to claw its way to 8-8. This year it will take only Peyton Manning... proving at long last that sending your prayers to him is at least as effective as going to church.

Aside from that (and a shiny new 2nd round Defensive Tackle), this is pretty much the same team it was last year.
Peyton Manning is swell and all, but one player isn't the difference between 6-10 and 12-4...

...amirite, Colts fans?

The San Diego Chargers (7-9)

The introduction on Norv Turner's Wikipedia page includes the line "Turner has coached the most games in NFL history among head coaches with an overall losing record." Awesome.

The Chargers have lived each of the past ten seasons like my Uncle Charlie lived his entire life.

August (Age 6): An astronaut? Of course, Charlie! You can be anything you want!

October (Age 12): Straight A's again, Charlie? You always were our favorite. Have a Werther's!

December (Age 18): Oh... well sure, I guess you can take a year off to tour Europe before going to University. You deserve a vacation after all that hard work!

January (Age 36): What do you mean "dropping out of community college?" You were taking one art history class. No, you can't borrow the car.

I think we're done here... just like their fair weather fans!

If only they could get this kind of attendance at Qualcomm

The Oakland Raiders (3-13)

Carson Palmer hasn't been a top 10 quarterback since Katrina was just another stripper name. How can a player ride this high solely on something that happened so long ago? Here are Palmer's QB ratings for the last five seasons:

• 86.7
• 69.0
• 83.6
• 82.4
• 80.5

And he's already laying the groundwork to throw his receivers under the bus after Oakland's imminent 0-4 start this year. Abandon ship!

But Palmer's old news. There's real fresh meat in town... ex-Broncos defensive coordinator Dennis Allen! If you were wondering what the qualification is for being head coach of the Oakland Raiders, it appears to be "sit on your thumbs while John Fox fields a 20th ranked defense".

Dennis Allen (left)

JUST WIN, MAYBE!