AFC West Status Report: Week 3

By Sonny Prier

Intrigue! Drama! Failure! Triumph! We've got it all... most.

Denver is schizophrenic. 
Manning put the black hat on Monday night in Atlanta to balance out week one's all too perfect debut. We Broncos fans needed our soaring expectations tempered a bit after that thrashing of Pittsburgh, but mother of God, P-Dawg... that was an emotional double tap. His first quarter 3 INT disintegration is the kind of thing only Browns fans should have to endure.

Nothing like tapenade... and career low performances... together.

Is it over? Hells to the no. Prognosis is still promising. That they made the Falcons sweat in the end despite being -4 on turnovers is a sad kind of impressive, BUT I'LL TAKE IT! The defense looks competent, and Peyton still seems able to carry an entire offense.


San Diego is mysteriously overrated. 
Some individuals are being awfully generous to the Chargers considering the horrid teams they've beaten. Tennessee and Oakland are primed to finish with a combined 0-32 record, yet mainstream sports media often overlook this while marveling over Norv Turner's incredible and nearly unprecedented 2-0 start. 25 other teams in the NFL could have just as easily rolled to 2-0 against the combo of OAK/TEN. There's a decent chance that Atlanta will bring a hard dose of reality to San Diego this week.


Oakland is ADORABLE! 
When I come home after a long, crushing day of being out in The World, my loyal dog is always there at the door. No matter what horrible surprises each unforgiving day brings, dog will be there, a comforting beacon of stability. That's how I feel about the Raiders. They're like a puppy! Good old reliable shitty Oakland. Thank you for always being there for me. Getting crushed by Miami, the consensus worst team in football? Classic Oakland! Lost to SD due to not bothering to train the backup long snapper? Classic Oakland! (By the way... did anyone see him doing any warmup long snaps on the sidelines between those failed punt attempts? Because I sure didn't! CLASSIC!) I love you guys.

"Scamp" doing his Carson Palmer impersonation.

Kansas City is mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
My 10-6 division winners are a catastrophe. On the bright side, they've been so unfathomably bad that it'll be impossible for them to not improve. Would even go so far to say that they will beat NO this weekend on the road. But that's the hypothetical 1-2 Chiefs. These 0-2 Chiefs lead the NFL in laughability, a stat I just made up that scores a combination of crushed expectations and getting blown out by freaking Buffalo on a scale of 0 to Matt Leinart. Bonus points for local beat writers freaking the hell out.

AFC West: Underachievers Unite!

By Sonny Prier

Gross. No wonder there's an east coast bias.

These teams aren't so much "under the radar" as they are "asleep on the couch." If Peyton Manning weren't here to trick us all into thinking Denver is better than 8-8, the NFL might have forgotten to schedule their games.

On December 30th 2012, when the tree falls in these empty woods, here's how it'll land.

The Kansas City Chiefs (10-6)

I can't help it... I kind of like these guys. San Diego has been The Team in this division for every season in recent memory. But this is the year that KC takes the title of "Biggest Post Season Disappointment" from the Chargers. They are primed for a strong regular season run followed by an embarrassing playoff loss... and overdue. Not since 2006, when the Chiefs went almost three full quarters without gaining a single first down against the Indianapolis Colts and their 21st ranked defense, has KC been the AFC West's playoff sacrifice. Crennel, a real coach who his players respect, is in. Todd Haley, a man who was probably burned in effigy after every practice, is out. The team has bought in, and I'm one of those tools who thinks that means something. So is Kendrick Lewis: "Everything changed with that Green Bay win. This season kind of started then. It's been great since that day. Coach Crennel has us all believing."

Read more here: http://www.kansascity.com/2012/08/27/3781043/kansas-city-chiefs-2012-season.html#storylink=cpy"

The defense is solid. Bowe stayed in shape during his holdout. Jamaal Charles is running like he did in 2010. Matt Cassel is a quarterback. They just look good.

Jamaal Charles: 6.2 yards per carry and inches of forehead.

The Denver Broncos (8-8)

Question: What did the 2011 Denver Broncos have that distinguished it from the rest of the division winners?
Answer: A point differential of -81! (25th in the NFL!)

Ahhhh, Denver. The Little Six Win Team That Could. Last year was just adorable, wan't it? Plucky underdog defies all odds, achieves mediocrity, and backs into the playoffs. It's the kind of feel good story that makes you want to go out and hug a retarded kid. It took (multiple) acts of God for the 2011 Denver Broncos to claw its way to 8-8. This year it will take only Peyton Manning... proving at long last that sending your prayers to him is at least as effective as going to church.

Aside from that (and a shiny new 2nd round Defensive Tackle), this is pretty much the same team it was last year.
Peyton Manning is swell and all, but one player isn't the difference between 6-10 and 12-4...

...amirite, Colts fans?

The San Diego Chargers (7-9)

The introduction on Norv Turner's Wikipedia page includes the line "Turner has coached the most games in NFL history among head coaches with an overall losing record." Awesome.

The Chargers have lived each of the past ten seasons like my Uncle Charlie lived his entire life.

August (Age 6): An astronaut? Of course, Charlie! You can be anything you want!

October (Age 12): Straight A's again, Charlie? You always were our favorite. Have a Werther's!

December (Age 18): Oh... well sure, I guess you can take a year off to tour Europe before going to University. You deserve a vacation after all that hard work!

January (Age 36): What do you mean "dropping out of community college?" You were taking one art history class. No, you can't borrow the car.

I think we're done here... just like their fair weather fans!

If only they could get this kind of attendance at Qualcomm

The Oakland Raiders (3-13)

Carson Palmer hasn't been a top 10 quarterback since Katrina was just another stripper name. How can a player ride this high solely on something that happened so long ago? Here are Palmer's QB ratings for the last five seasons:

• 86.7
• 69.0
• 83.6
• 82.4
• 80.5

And he's already laying the groundwork to throw his receivers under the bus after Oakland's imminent 0-4 start this year. Abandon ship!

But Palmer's old news. There's real fresh meat in town... ex-Broncos defensive coordinator Dennis Allen! If you were wondering what the qualification is for being head coach of the Oakland Raiders, it appears to be "sit on your thumbs while John Fox fields a 20th ranked defense".

Dennis Allen (left)

JUST WIN, MAYBE!