George Carlin rode a phone booth into my bedroom last night. The doors opened and he burst forth with a sense of urgency and authority. I told him that this was two-thirds of my dreams come true. He scowled and shook his head. I dejectedly slunk out of bed and put on some pants.
 |
| Next time, my pet. |
"Sonny, the future of the NFL is a shambles. The sport will soon enter an age of darkness from which it will never recover. Its decline must be stopped now before the momentum grows too great. I entrust this to you."
Future George Carlin passes me a future iPod. I immediately decide to sell it on eBay and retire early.
"Don't sell this on eBay."
Shit.
George steps back into the booth. As the doors close he shouts back,
"Only your blog can save the future, Sonny. Please! Protect us from ourselves!"
With an audible pop, he's gone.
Guess I can eBay it after listening...
"Play Future George Carlin's warning", I command. Future iPod Siri complies. Out come the sounds of an NFL broadcast. It's already underway. For the sake of humanity I grab my laptop and begin to transcribe...
Mike Tirico: ...rom the shotgun. Empty backfield. Puts it up for Burrell who almost makes a spectacular catch. That one sailed on Stafford, and it went just off Burrell's fingertips. But let's check the flags.
Mike Tirico: Shields is still arguing the call. He might have a point. There sure wasn't a lot there, Jon.
Jon Gruden: Not at all, but Cyborg Ed Hochuli has confirmed that there are fingerprints on Burrell's jersey. If there were ever two things that don't lie, they're physical evidence and cyborgs.
Dennis Miller: Nebuchadnezzar res ipsa loquitur!
Jon Gruden: Thank you, Dennis.
Mike Tirico: Stafford lines up in the shotgun at the 20. Empty backfield. Takes his time... and fires a bullet past Johnson. Not a good throw at all. It'll be 2nd and 10 depending on the flags.
Jon Gruden: Lawrence Guy came across early.
Cyborg Ed Hochuli: Delayed Offside, number 91, defense. 5 yard penalty. A foul shot will be assessed as the pass attempt was a scoring chance.
Jon Gruden: Just a silly mistake by Guy. He didn't even get to "two Mississippi" before rushing, let alone three. The officials will see that every time. There's no excuse for it, especially on this end of the field.
Mike Tirico: Dimke comes onto the field for the penalty kick. He's uncharacteristically missed his last two... but easily puts this one through, and the Lions take a 74 - 60 lead. Let's check the flags.
Jon Gruden: I don't think there are any.
Mike Tirico: ... oh... well... uh...
<20 seconds of dead air>
Dennis Miller: Actus reus hypoplastic!
Jon Gruden: Thank you, Dennis.
Mike Tirico: Stafford and the Lions offense retake the field for a 1st and 5 on the Green Bay 15. Shotgun formation. Empty backfield. Stafford lobs one down the left sideline and it's picked off again! Stafford telegraphed another one, and Otis Merrill read it perfectly. Schwartz immediately throws out the blue flag. Not a difficult decision by the Lions coach here.
Cyborg Ed Hochuli: Los Angeles has elected to use their 3rd mulligan. We will replay 1st down.
Jon Gruden: No surprise that one was picked off, Mike. Merrill leads the conference in overturned turnovers, and he's now personally burned through all of L.A.'s mulligans. It's time for Stafford to stop testing Merrill. He's already passed.
Mike Tirico: And Stafford's passes have failed.
Jon Gruden: <forced laughter>
Mike Tirico: We'll see how he responds here from the shotgun, as the Lions line up from the 15 again. Empty backfield. Stafford takes the snap and buries a laser in Johnson's chest! Touchdown Los Angeles, as Stafford finally puts one on target! Boy that sure had some heat on it.
Jon Gruden: I tell you, Mike, tha...
Cyborg Ed Hochuli: Illegal jumping, number 90, defense. That penalty is declined.
Jon Gruden: ... that's w...
Cyborg Ed Hochuli: Illegal formation, defense. Double coverage in the endzone. That penalty is declined.
Jon Gruden: ... what we've b...
Cyborg Ed Hochuli: Failure to Tebow, number 81, offense. That 10 yard penalty will be assessed on the ensuing drive.
Jon Gruden: ... been lookin...
Dennis Miller: INTERRUPTUS MAXIMUS!
Jon Gruden: ...
Mike Tirico: Thank you, Dennis. Meanwhile, the Packers, now down 81-60, take over at their own 40. Here's Rodgers from the shotgun with an empty backfield. He rolls out to his left and heaves a rainbow to no one in particular. The jump ball is swatted harmlessly away by number 32 of the defense. Let's check the flags.
Cyborg Ed Hochuli: Swatting, defense, number 32. The ball will be placed at the spot of the foul. First down Green Bay.
Mike Tirico: A reminder for those of you watching from home tonight... attendance here is officially under 30,000 so the 4th quarter will be blacked out. We will stay with you live from the booth, however, as this week the NFL has graciously allowed us to broadcast audio and re-enact the plays with sock puppets. Here's Aaron Rodgers from the shotgun at the Los Angeles 6 yard line. Empty backfield...
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