by Matt Prendergast, Ugly AmericanThis might be, no hyberbole intended, the greatest freaking NFL season ever in my lifetime. Even putting the Packers nigh-invulnerability thus far to the side - because that's obviously a personal investment - I can't remember the last time the league emulated my '06 Madden 'Franchise Mode' on the Gamecube quite so nobly in spirit. I'm pretty sure I even drafted Eric Decker in the 2010 season in that mode back in the summer of '07, even though he didn't actually exist at 486 MHz, except for in the genius of a random code generator's output. (semi-related: if you see the name 'Donte Alexander' at the position of cornerback show up anywhere in next year's NFL draft, totally take that team's defense in your fantasy league, because that dude is going to have 38 interceptions in his rookie year - 20 of which will ring up 6 - based on my painstaking research from five years ago). Also, Steven Jackson will be finishing up his 5th season as the Packers starting running back, and will be eclipsing the previous single season rushing record of 5137 yards (also held by Steven Jackson of the Packers).
But hey, that's next year, and since you're not on the Miami Dolphins, it's WAY too early to be worrying that nonsense. Let's just hit on the week ahead, and take it as it comes. GO TEAM FOOTBALL!
Redskins @ Panthers - NEW ARM ALERT #1. Okay, this week I totally mean it: Cam Newton is due. Also, while John Beck just Ortoned Grossman out of his gig (perhaps the more accurate appraisal is 'Rex Grossman just Rex Grossmaned himself out of his gig. Again.'), that doesn't tell us anything other than 'John Beck can play QB better than the QBs of most junior-varsity programs and tech-school continuing-education intramural squads'. It certainly doesn't mean he's going to be 'decent' by any means.
The Fulcrum Point: Shanny's doing that' rotate the hot hand' thing again! Bless his heart, that guy sure does hate fantasy football. Except this time, he's using lower grade parts; ones that seem to break down often enough that if they were spark plugs or brake pads, you'd think somebody would already be tearing the local GM of AutoZone a new one in order to get their full refund and some free Caranauba Wax. On the other side, looks like the Panthers remembered they've got DeAngelo and J-Stew! Yay! The new prescription is working!
The Win Goes To: THE PANTHERS ALREADY. Make a young man's dream come true!
Seahawks @ Browns - SORTA-NEW ARM ALERT, MAYBE #2. Seriously, who cares? ME! That's who, smart guy. Primarily because I'm running with Marshawn Lynch in my #2 spot ahead of Shonn Greene and James Starks, and that's about the only reason., but it's still caring.
The Fulcrum Point: Charlie Whitehurst. What do we know about this guy? Well, nothing, really, I guess. I mean, I know he's getting four million dollars this year, just like last year, to hold a clipboard and grow his luxurious hair. And I know his dad, David Whitehurst, because he was Lynn Dickey's second-in-command for a buncha sorry years in Green Bay. So based exclusively on what I remember about his old man from when I was eight, I would expect that as long as the NFL grants the Seahawks a special exception this week allowing one-hoppers to be considered 'completions', the 'Hawks are gonna be all good, my man. Even if they run with Tavaris, I think they're okay too. Colt McCoy is still the best QB option in this game, but his disturbing lack of 'receivers' will continue to hamper even his best efforts. Greg Little? That's not a 'hot fantasy sleeper', that's a 'well, how the hell can it really hurt?' play. Achieving a starting position via being-next-in-line doth not Jerry Rice make.
The Win Goes To: The Seahawks! On the road! In your face! With the Grillpiece!*
* Giving credit where it's due: The greatest Marshawn Lynch nickname there will ever be, 'Grillpiece', was initially coined by Kevin Moore and Lyle Konkiel, The Fantasy Football Guys, circa about four years ago. And if you don't listen to their podcast, and you say you play fantasy football seriously, then you're doing yourself a grave disservice.
Falcons @ Lions: Probably the game of the week....I hate the Falcons this year, for column purposes - just can't seem to get any traction on what team is showing up. This may have a direct correlation to their .500 record. Guess what? Don't really care, the Lions are going to have to come back fierce after last week's coach scrum.
The Fulcrum Point: Well, the Lions suddenly don't have any running game, but no bother - that wasn't going to win this anyway. More importantly, the Falcons don't have any passing game - and that was before Julio got smooshed. That's a bigger 'uh oh'. Matt Ryan is average. There, now that's out there.
The Win Goes To: Detroit
The Powered-By-God Denver Tebows @ Guys Wearing Miami Dolphins Uniforms - NEW BAPTIZED-IN-HIS-BLOOD ARM ALERT #3. Now THIS is how you give a guy his first shot - in the town that made him a saint, against a team so disheveled and off-the-grid that I wouldn't be surprised to see dudes drinking Night Train out of paper bags on the sideline during the national anthem. Oh, and the Fins are throwing a party for Tebow too. And it's that party, the one for the other team's starting quarterback, that's actually moving the tickets. All the way in another region of the country. Awesome.
The Fulcrum Point: Well, the one big mystery going in is, nobody really knows if The Living Messiah can actually really play the position at the pro level, full-time, like everybody in Denver thinks he can. I know this for certain: Matt Moore sure can't.
The Win Goes To: The 2008 Florida Gators, their Heisman Trophy winner, and a bunch of other dudes standing around in blue and orange happy to have a home crowd behind them for once this year.
Chargers @ Jets - If George Carlin's fabled 'meat cake' (start at :58 if you're short on time) was an actual thing, and that thing was given human form through wizardry, I'd imagine it would look like Rex Ryan. Because everything about Rex Ryan just has that 'meat cake' feel...interviews, style, personal habits, play selection. Oh, and he insulted the crap out of Norv this week, which you already know. And then Norv pummeled him with one sentence. And now it's terrific.
The Fulcrum Point: LT is getting a start! What does this mean? Nothing. There's nothing that's going to accomplish - LT doesn't have magic LT powers anymore, he's just an above-average role player....I doubt they even take carries away from Greene, this is just fluffy-fluff. The only thing LT starting that's a huge positive is this: I get to break out the greatest music video ever made one more time. WHAT IT DO? LOOK AT YOUR WIFE!
The Win Goes To: The Bolts, because again, Rivers v. Sanchez goes to Rivers every time. And Norv is a better coach in the regular season, hands down. With that settled, now answer me this: Why am I hungry for waffles all of the sudden? Weird.
Addendum: Can somebody please petition the New Jets to change their team name to The New York Nobody-Can-Shut-The-*&%$-Ups? Good lord, there's more tittering and yammering coming from that locker room than if a bridge club at a retirement home melded with a seventh-grade girl's lunch break in a horrific industrial accident.
Texans @ Titans - This should be a pretty solid fight for control of the AFC South - and, as luck would have it, pretty evenly matched up. And both teams without their best wide reciever. PARITY FOR ALL!!!!
The Fulcrum Point: Tennessee had the better defense of these two grit-chewing franchises as recently as two weeks ago. And THEN Mario Williams tore his boob off. Bad tidings, Texans. Maybe next year's the year, huh?
The Win Goes To: The Titans.
Bears @ Buccaneers - 'ALLO THERE MERRY OLD ENGLAND! Would you fancy a bucket of poo with your tea and biscuits? Righty-o! 'Ere's the Bears and the Buccaneers!
The Fulcrum Point: The one redeeming factor in this yearly waste of jet fuel is that at least it's never completely predictable. This year, if we've been just and there's a God in heaven shining down upon us, all hell will finally break loose and the stadium will be ablaze by the second quarter. And I do mean full-bore, pee-bombs-and-boot-stomping old-school hooliganism, so once and for all we can stop trying to minister our sport onto a culture that doesn't give two bangers and a mash about it. THEY LIKE THEIR SOCCER AND THAT'S OKAY. Let's stop trying to convert everybody, you already have all of our money.
The Win Goes To: Manchester United
Steelers @ Cardinals - Let's put the facts on the table: the Cardinals were blown out by the Minnesota Vikings this year. We're done here.
Chiefs @ Raiders - NEW SOREHEAD-BABY-GOT-HIS-WAY-AFTER-ALL-OR-DID-HE? ARM ALERT#4. The Raiders will be starting a QB who was baking lemon squares at home as recently as Tuesday. And they're still WAY better equipped for this game. OR MAYBE NOT! Since now it sounds like the Raiders are going to run Kyle Boller out there.
Here's the skinny: I'm going to give you a quick list of the Raiders quarterbacks that give Oakland the best chance of winning this game on Sunday, in order from 'best chance' to 'why suit up then?', and you make the call:
1. Carson Palmer, after three days of practive and a lot of time watching HGTV this year
2. Terrelle Pryor, with little to no experience
3. Jason Campbell, with broken spine (or whatever)
4. Jeff Hostetler, current owner of construction company in West VA
5. Daryle Lamonica, 70 years young
6. Kyle Boller
7. Jamarcus Russell
The Fulcrum Point: Are they really going to sit Palmer and run Kyle Boredom out there? Maybe, but I don't see the point in doing so - Carson Palmer will be plenty ready. Well, as much as Matt Cassell will be. Also, get ready to hop off the Jackie Battle train.
The Win Goes To: The Raiders, with Jim Plunkett at the helm
Rams @ Cowboys - OLD NEW ARM ALERT #5. Man, is just me or are there going to be a lot of blowouts this week? AJ Feely is getting dusted off for a beating one more time. Yay!
The Fulcrum Point: Did the Rams replace their offensive coordinator last week, or did they just add one-hit wonder Brandon Lloyd? Just Lloyd? Ah. There you have it.
The Win Goes To: Lookee here Cowboys fans! A good old cattle-roping AND you'll get to leave early to beat traffic. Win-Win!
Packers @ Vikings - NEW SUICIDE WATCH ARM ALERT #6. They couldn't leave McNabb in for one more week and pretended they weren't done with him yet? Welcome to your new gig, Christian! Here's your wristband crib sheet, here's your walkie-talkie helmet....oh, and here's this shiny platter with your ass on it. Have fun out there!
The Fulcrum Point: Somewhere, Brad Childress will be laughing.
The Exorcism and Overall Merciless Beating Goes To: Christian Ponder's soul
Colts @ Saints - This is a night game? Really?
The Fulcrum Point: This game is really still happening? That's stupid. This should have been moved back to the early game a month ago. Possibly all the way back to Thursday night, when people would have just watched it because it was a football game on Thursday.
The Win Goes To: Come on.
Ravens @ Jaguars - Well, at least half of this showdown is worth staying up for on a Monday night. You're halfway there, ESPN, keep petitioning the schedule-maker. Welcome back to J-ville Mike Sims-Walker! Somehow your team situation just got worse, which is good for you, because your talent deficiencies and questionable work ethics won't be nearly as noticeable in your home environment.
The Fulcrum Point: Mob rule-incited murder is still illegal in Jacksonville, I think. That should allow several members of the 2011 Jaguars to leave the field under their own power.
The Win Goes To: The Ravens. By a boatload. And by halftime.
NOW GO GET YOURSELF SOME PIPING HOT CHEESE AND POUR IT ON SOMETHING!
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