by Matt Prendergast, this one's for you, Roy...
Entering week 6 of this majestic NFL season, the most interesting team rolling into it is one on the bye.....I'm pointing the Finger of Scrutiny right at you, Denver. If we indeed subscribe to the idiom 'you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs', and we do, then it's abudently clear that the Broncos have decided to skip breakfast in favor of having a smoke and an energy drink in the car on the way to the stadium. Probably mixed together in one handy container to save valuable time.
So in less than a week's time, Denver management tapped out and installed Deacon Football at the helm then consequently threw the best asset they could give Reverend Biceps onto Craigslist in exchange for either a reliable moped or a sweet vintage Ed McCaffrey jersey. Somebody wants three first round QBs on their roster next spring, and them Broncs are gonna git it, the Colts be damned.
But the true story here is obvious: who is going to grab The Beard? Because Kyle Orton is never starting for the Denver Broncos again - you don't spit in a man's face and ask him to treat your daughter with respect on their date a month later (though Kyle Orton certainly would, for he is the human manifestation of honor and respectability).
Since they're selling parts, KO has got to go, and this week he's surely priced to move - unless the Broncos have lost all sanity (possible)....so this week, we're going to include the Orton Effect to specific previews, analyzing the effect this modern-day Chris Chandler would have on the outcome - we will stick tightly to the teams that would be smart enough to enlist The Bristled Warrior, due to space limitations. Get up on it!
Panthers @ Falcons - These teams are bothersome to me, in that I am generally 100% wrong about the outcome of either of their fortunes - with the notable exception of 'the weeks they played the Packers'. I shall not be swayed from my boisterous opinion, however. The Panthers sitting at 1-4 come visit the endangered Falcons sitting at 2-3. I think that's what we all expected at this point, right?
The Fulcrum Point: THEY'RE DUE!!! Even at 1-4, the Panthers are a better and more explosive team. They've been in every game they've competed in to this point, and run a scare into some of the best. The Falcons have not, on both counts. They were up by two full scores last Sunday night, and I never even worried once that they weren't going to be beaten down. Bad year to have a bird mascot.
The Orton Effect: None. Obviously the Panthers have got their guy going forward for a decade, and the Falcons are bound and determined to ride the future Third-Best-Quarterback in franchise history all the way to the end of the line. Which this year will come in December.
The Win Goes To: The Panthers. And so the power shift begins. For second best behind The Saints.
49ers @ Lions - Game of the Week? Could be. The 49ers are playing skyscrapers higher than I'd have imagined possible this year, and the Lions are, well, awesome? I can hardly believe I typed that. Health may come into play. The 9'ers are coming up in short supply in this arena in their receiving corps, whilst Detroit has done the one thing they absolutely needed to - keep Stafford upright. Look at how that's worked out!
The Fulcrum Point: Vernon Davis. Maybe the only guy as physically imposing at-will as Calvin Johnson in this game is the big TE - when he's on, he's fierce. In this game, I see him being the difference maker.
The Orton Effect: Eventually, Alex Smith is going to fail this team. You know that's going to happen....better to get a trusted hand back there to steer the boat back island-bound, and that's where Kyle comes in. On the Lions side - meh, not much use there.
The Win Goes To: Let's roll with the 49ers - they've been playing above-board the last couple of weeks. And while the Lions are certainly undefeated, they have yet to blow anybody out, and a sneaky-pete squad like San Francisco is running out there can ride tight next to them and throw the knockout roundhouse right at the end.
Rams @ Packers - Please.
The Fulcrum Point: The 1999 Rams could show up and really pick apart the Packers ailing secondary. No? This will be a 1950's catholic school switch-whipping.
The Orton Effect: Look, the last thing Green Bay needs to repeat is the Quarterback Farm they tended and harvested for a decade behind ole' Rocketball. Mark Brunell, Matt Hasselbeck, Aaron Brooks, Ty Detmer ---good god, even DOUG PEDERSON---all gravy-trained their time behind #4 to starting gigs for other NFL franchises, and then proceeded to come in and give the Pack solid fights and occasional staunch beatdowns. And here we go again, as Matt Flynn is already considered 'gone' at season's end to cash in his gold chip and start working it against the mighty Pack.
Let's stop and make a solid decision here: Orton is the perfect fit. Healthy, young enough, and apt-minded enough to see the benefit - much like the aforementioned Doug 'Hunting Buddy' Pederson eventually did - of holding a clipboard for seven years and cashing grossly large checks. The abject fear struck in the hearts of all defenders by combining The Stache and The Beard on one roster would be insurmountable for the next decade. Plus, winning another Super Bowl with a former Bears slinger watching our guy's back NEVER STOPS FEELING LIKE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED.
The Win Goes To: I only previewed this game to make my Orton-as-best-career-backup-ever point above. It's the Packers. Did I really need to say it out loud?
Colts @ Bengals - Worth watching. Yes, I meant that. The Colts have gotten scrappy since injury put Painter in charge, and Cincinnati has been playing tougher than they have a right to be playing since the beginning of the season.
The Fulcrum Point: AJ Green versus Pierre Garcon/Reggie Wayne/Dallas Clark. The Colts won't have an answer to Green, but the Bengals will have to pick their poison betwixt the three hands guys on Indy, and one of them is going to be open, a lot. With a couple weeks under his belt, Painter is getting used to what he's got, and this week that's going to be evident.
The Orton Effect: Eh, the Colts already have Orton in Painter. And the Bengals have him in Gradkowski on the bench. Pass.
The Win Goes To: The Colts.
Bills @ Giants - The Bills are making me nuts....I want to get on board, then they toss me off the ride. I doubt them the next week, they crank it up again. At least it's fun to watch.
The Fulcrum Point: The Giants not sucking a hose parked in the car in the garage. That's the only thing I can see that keeps them in this game competitively, but based on performance to date, it ain't happening.
The Win Goes To: The Bills
Eagles @ Redskins - Philadelphia has to turn this thing around at some point, don't they? They're a far superior team than they've been showing up as - not because of that SuperTeam nonsense, it's just right there: the raw talent is light years better than anybody they've come up against; they just don't know what the hell they're doing.
The Fulcrum Point: Philly D. Or rather, 'If Philly Fields One This Week'. Juan Castillo should be fired. Period. Say what you want about Vick, that guy is grinding out there on every play trying to get enough points on the board to cover what's about to smother them on the way back. Of course Mike's throwing more picks - he has to generate a touchdown on every single drive for the Eagles to have a shot at closing the deal. McCoy, Maclin, Jackson...all doing their part. I repeat, with a modification, if the Eagles D cannot shut down the Redskins this week, Juan Castillo should be out of work on Monday.
The Orton Effect: Philly has no use, they've got VY sitting back there....but the Redskins? We've seen it before, and I want to see it again. With Orton at the helm of this squad, leaving Rexatron in the dust again, there is nothing that could stop them from just killing the Eagles. Just look at that picture! That eagle is as big as a Kia, and Orton is just like 'No probs, bud'. Just like it would be in real life. Embrace the truth, Snyder.
The Win Goes To: I'm probably going to regret this, but if the Eagles can't get their bloodlust roiling against the 'Skins, this season is officially over. It's Washington, you HATE them. Eagles, in a tight one.
Jaguars @ Steelers - Jags are another scrappy team that just seems to keep hanging around, while the Steelers are either 'world-conquering' or 'sadly-in-the-throes-of-dementia' week-to-week, seemingly dependent on whether Mike Tomlin remembered to bring the correct pillbox that week.
The Fulcrum Point: The Steelers achieving some stability. Which I think they've started to do.
The Orton Effect: The Jags could absolutely use him to let Blaine get some sideline seasoning, but Orton doesn't need them - the last thing that guy needs is another place where people are going to be calling for his head the first week he throws a pick because Mike Thomas is too short.
The Win Goes To: The Steelers
Cowboys @ Patriots - Okay, I'm all for bravado and what-not, and like I've mentioned before, Tony Romo absolutely needed to stop taking blame and start getting cocky. But there's a limitation on that swagger son, and opting to tote your team as a Super Bowl contender (albeit, in a very passive-aggressive manner) the week you bus it up to New England is just flat out monkey-crazy. Have some sense, man.
The Fulcrum Point: Maybe, just maybe Romo isn't crazy after all. Miles Austin returns this week, giving the Cowboys two consistently viable deep-threats compared to the Pats' one. (Yes, I just referred to Wes Welker as a deep threat. And I also apologize for telling people to start Chad Zilchocinco in their fantasy leagues last week. Man alive has that guy become a load). Most importantly, look at the facts: The Dallas Cowboys have a terrific defense; the New England Patriots do not.
The Win Goes To: The Cowboys. For reals.
Texans @ Ravens - With Andre Johnson and Mario Williams, this is as hard a game as Houston has on their schedule. Without them, I hope the team doc crammed a bunch of Prozac into his travel duffle.
The Fulcrum Point: The Texans aren't healthy enough to compete with the Ravens this week. That's the simple truth of it.
The Orton Effect: Ravens already have an Orton there; it's almost like Joe Flacco is channeling KO's brainwaves week-to-week with the roller-coaster performances. Texans don't need one. They could use a Lloyd, though.
The Win Goes To: The Ravens
Browns @ Raiders - Cleveland coming off the bye, with an already disgruntled Peyton Hillis and no name-brand wide receivers to speak of; Raiders coming off that emotional win against the Texans, and looking very dangerous. And they're at home.
The Fulcrum Point: The Raiders are rolling on a high emotional tide and their attack is multi-faceted - when did that happen? It's going to be WAY too much for Cleveland to handle on the road.
The Win Goes To: The Raiders
New Orleans @ Buccaneers - It's now safe to say that the Buccaneers are not what everyone thought they were going to be. Yes, they've got a winning record; a good portion of that is thanks to LeGarrette Blount, and he's on the shelf. Outside of that guy, they aren't particularly consistent, or 'all that good'.
The Fulcrum Point: Superior Firepower. The Saints have it in bulk amounts. Blowout.
The Shellacking Goes To: New Orleans
Vikings @ Bears - I hate both of these teams for the purposes of this column. I doubt the Bears, they surprise me; I get behind the Bears, they fail me. Repeat previous couplet, inserting 'Vikings' for 'Bears'. It's an NFC North night game, all bets are off.
The Fulcrum Point: QB misfires. Who has less of them? Your winner. And based on the offensive line of the 2011 Chicago Bears....
The Orton Effect : He'd be better for both of these teams than their current solutions. I mean that. His skills aren't nearly as deadly as Cutler's, but that 'deadly' cuts both directions. Meanwhile, the Vikes could use a year without the focus on inconsistent QB play...oh wait, never mind. They're fine as they are.
The Win Goes To: The Vikings. DON'T FAIL ME, MCNABB.
Dolphins @ Jets - See that over there? That was what was supposed to happen. The big-switchout. But you didn't make it happen did you Sparano? No, you were 'Chad Henne is great', and 'We love Chad Henne' and 'Chad Henne isn't broken'. You get what you pay for, you obstinate crum. But at least Chad Henne isn't Mark Sanchez.
The Fulcrum Point: Brandon Marshall found a microphone again. Great. Guess what? Still nuts. But bless his heart, at least he's trying to get some excitement going into this thing for the Fins. Problem is, the best quarterback in this whole game, the one that would actually help Marshall be 'Brandon Marshall' again, is going to be holding a clipboard on the Dolphins sideline. I've always liked Sage Rosenfels - thought the Vikes were going to finally get tough with him before they hosed him - no pun intended - by chauffering Favre into town. He should be starting for Miami in about a week, and they may eek out a couple of wins at that point.
The Orton Effect: You know what Miami? Up yours. You had your shot, and you asked a different girl to the dance. Enjoy your trailer home and your seven children and your pot pies and your rye whiskey nightcaps. You don't deserve him.
The Win Goes To: J. E. T. S. Jets, Jets, Jets! Despite Mark Sanchez.
So what have we learned here? Well, that Kyle Orton is desperately needed by well over a handful of teams....teams that could use a veteran with a measured approach to the game, one who will help your fledgling squad get some consistency and start building for the next four-to-five years. A team that can compete, but lacks a solid unwavering hand, one that is unflinching in a continual storm of controversy, and one that has a fanbase that will love and appreciate him when he arrives to carefully and lovingly nurse a band of rag-tag misfits with big dreams and hearts all the way to the playoffs. In summary:
Let's do this thing, Seattle.
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