by Matt Prendergast
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Scott Hanson is getting a Christmas card this year.
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Alright..That worked out pretty good last week, let's go round 2 - For review:
Every game, no commercials, hosted by the affable Scott Hanson and all wrapped up near the five o'clock hour with a montage that is only aptly described as 'The Orgasm of Touchdowns'. Chances are great that you'll forget how to eat.
Once again today, I'm gonna dive in and throw up the thoughts and smartassery as it hits me...feel free to refresh early and often......today I remembered a giant cauldron of taco dip, so it's a fine thing it's laundry day....
And we launch in t-minus 27 minutes....tune in, early and often.
12:08 - Was putting away laundry. In that time, Hakeem Nicks has fifty yards receiving, and Mike Vick hasn't thrown a pick. Parity returns.
12:09 - PAC MAN JONES! 81 yard punt return. Bengals win.
12:10 - DOUBLEBOX! Saints and Eagles. Mark Ingram cannot score. Repeat. Eagles threatening Vikes.
12:11 - Surprising. The Saints go to the underrated Jim Graham in the end zone....and VICK PICK in the end zone.
12:13 - The elusive Ryan Tannehill on the bootleg for the score. BRING BACK THE WILDCAT!
12:13 part 2 - THe Arizona Cardinals are currently leading the New England Patriots. I expect to never say that again.
12:14 - Blair Walsh - Ice cold. The Vikes have the best kicking squad in the league. I'm looking at you @ChrisWarcraft.
12:15 - Flacco fumble. Back to reality, oops there goes gravity.
12:16 - Vick to Celek on 3rd and 20! Short. Reid is going for it. Reid don't give a sh*t.
12:18 - Brady with a pick! Don't try that junk on the Cards, bro, this ain't JV ball.
12:20 - LeSean gets the first, Vick's still holding his ribs. Classic Week Two Eagles football.
12:23 - LeSean touchdown. Vick rocked again. Note this: he won't finish the game today.
12:23 - Kevin Kolb - missing Todd Heap by about fifteen yards. CARDINAL FOOTBALL!
12:24 - Drew Brees with a horrible throw returned by - did he say Gilbert Gottfried? Anyway, tied up Saints/Cats.
12:28 - Two weeks in a row, a Donnie Avery sighting. Put him on your watch list and just wait it out until the invariable injury.
12:29 First look at Bills/Chiefs...sounds like if you're a fan of either squad who likes offense, you may be investing in paint thinner mixers for a----CJ SPILLER TOUCHDOWN!
12:30 - Colts touchdown - the other rookie TE! I'd learn his name, but that seems like a waste of energy.
12:31 - Giants just pooched out three useless plays within the ten. They need some hands.
12:31 - Just saw two consecutive drops in Saints game from Moore and Graham. Do they do hands drills anymore, or was that jammed out in the CBA?
12:34 - VONTA LEACH TOUCHDOWN! You play your studs. Plus a penalty on the Eagles for...um 'being a dick', I think was the call, in the end zone.
12:35 - Mike Goodson - 65 yard catch and run for TD for the Raiders. Play your studs.
12:35 - Apparently Aaron Hernandez is hurt and off the field. BRING IN THE FOOTLONG!
12:38 - CAM SHAFT! Huge run not for a score, but huge. Ben Tate! 26 yards for the score. Always play your studs.
12:40 - Pretty sure I just saw WWE's The Edge on the sidelines of the Texans game. Hope he gives Gabbert a Conchairto..
12:41 - Cam looks like he's entering the DaunteZone. Works great for three years, enjoy 'em!
12:42 - RedZone keeps cutting out. God Damn You ATT.
12:44 - Awesome. System is resetting. Should be a good afternoon.
12:45 - Back in! Spiller with TD number 2. Cam Newton just fumbled on the one yard line on fourth down. Terrific.
12:46 - Vincent Jackson, touchdown Buccaneers. Still hate him.
12:50 - Based on a week and a quarter of Benjarvus Green-Ellis, it's now very clear that Bill Hoodiechek has no effing idea about running backs. AJ Green, touchdown.
12:55 - I'm done reporting on field goals. Unless they're clutch. Just not much to say, it's one of the sadder scoring plays.
12:56 - Someone needs to tell Andy Luck, and fast, that if he can't grow the mustache, the neck beard is a HORRIBLE plan B.
12:58 - Patriots still havin trouble against the behemoth that is Cardinal Defense.
12:59 - Vikes threatening, Colts rush, fumble and turnover. It's like watching puppies fight.
1:00 THE TRENT RICHARDSON ERA HAS BEGUN!
1:01 - Jacoby Jones. Touchdown Ravens. Much like we all expected.
1:02 - Buffalo forces a Chiefs fumble and recovers. The Bills are really making the Chiefs look like the Bills today.
1:03 - CJ Spiller is never letting Fred Jackson back on the field.
1:04 - Pretty sure Jacoby Jones' TD dance was called 'Making Cobb Salad with a Slap Chop'.
1:04 - Jonathan Stewart Touchdown.
1:05 - Spiller is about twelve seconds away from a third touchdown.
1:06 - Doug Martin endaround to the end zone. Bucs manhandling the Giants. SPILLER DENIED.
TD to Scott Chandler instead.
1:08 - Second touchdown for Ben Tate. That's why you took him in the 12th round.
1:15 - Apparently Ahmad Bradshaw left the Giants game some time ago. Joining the rest of their offense.
1:16 - Shady McCoy, fumble on the Ravens five. Ray Lewis recovers. Vick tackles him. Gonna be a rough year for the Eagles.
1:19 - Hakeem Nicks, wide open, score. Giants getting in rhythm.
1:21 - Mike Tolbert - bullrush TD for the Panthers. And that's why you still keep looking at him on your waiver wire.
1:25 - Carson Palmer will win this week's Most Inept Player, based on the squandered three downs he could have just used for a Raiders' touchdown.
1:26 - Okay, so Matt Cassell runs like mad, something like 30 yards to get the ball to the one. They give it to Payton Hillis, and he promptly either a) gets stopped short, or b) makes an extra lunge and fumbles the ball into Buffalo's hands in the end zone. This brings up this point: DROP PEYTON HILLIS.
1:31 - Holy crap. Eli Manning's 3 pick half just ended with giving up six on the third one. This is why people will never think you're as good as Peyton, bud.
1:36 - Basically halftime.....Hanson's just filling time, thinking about nachos.
1:50 - Brandon Tate! Bengals! THAT'S WHY YOU DRAFTED HI- oh wait.
1:51 - Vikes are getting screw calls.
1:52 - Joe Flacco: Keeping the Eagles In the Game.
1:53 - Not positive, but almost positive that the Ghost of Painter Bob Ross is calling the Colts/Vikings game.
1:56 - The Saints D is really bad. And because they just apparently hurt Steve Smith, I hope that screws their whole year.
1:58 - Mike Vick is the only veteran QB I hear that weekly gets commended for using 'high percentage passes'.
2:00 - CARDS PUNT BLOCK ON ZOLTAN MESKO! MESKO!...DeAngelo Williams touchdown in Carolina. Would have been terrific last week, Deeanj.
2:01 - Just like we talked about all week, the Cards came to Foxboro to manhandle the hapless Patriots.
2:02 - God Damn. Why did I sit Jeremy Maclin this week? Great end zone grab....Eagles back in the scrum. Fists will fly in the fourth.
2:02 - Also, in 'things that were obvious', Reggie Bush with a spectacular run to move the Dolphins even more above the Raiders. - Breaking: MJD with the catch for six!
2:04 - Steve Smith leaving the field, and Antonio Gates inactive tonight in week two. Tremendous drafting, Matty.
2:12 Just in: The Chiefs are horrible. Stevie Johnson with a TD catch and run of about three miles. In related news: Saints and Pats have troubles.
2:13 And per schedule, Reggie Bush with his second long run for a touchdown. Looked like about 70 yards. Al Davis' skeleton has risen from the crypt and is on it's way to wrap it's bony fingers around the lifeless husk of Reggie McKenzie.
2:17 - Ben Tate, second score of the day. That's why you used the overall #1 on him.
2:24 - Saints double up with the Ingram/Thomas combo for 6 - just like we figured, right?
2:25 - The nice thing about all these back-up and third stringers blowing up this week is that it's going to put a lot of quality out on the waiver wires come Tuesday.
2:38 - Andrew Hawkins of the Bengals just made a space for himself on your fantasy team.
2:39 - Vick bomb to Jackson results in a) terrific catch and b) second starting WR for the Eagles going to the locker room for the afternoon.
2:40 - Vickoff Pickoff! Ed Reed making DeSean Jackson's injury even more fruitless.
2:41 - Anthony Fasano with the Miami touchdown. He might be a good TE to pick up. Also, Cards are continuing to own the Patriots. And Percy Harvin is hurt.
2:47 - OH NOOOOOO! Blaine Gabbert is out of the Jacksonville game. Sell all your possessions, the end is nigh.
2:54 - Victor Cruz just provided a killshot. That was a nice effort Tampa Bay, but the Giants are coming for you, and they've got time.
3:05 - The last five minutes have just been going back and forth between the Pats and the Vikes trying to ties up their games. Vikes did. Pats couldn't get the 2 pt conversion. This is all according to plan.
3:07 - Oh, and the Giants just scored again. Martellus Bennett looks like yet another TE you might want to be starting.
3:09 - HOLY HELL. The Bucs just won't lay down. Tampa Mike with the bomb grab to tie the game again.
3:11 - Vikes D needs to hold Colts O. Can Wet Paper hold a Thrown Feather?
3:13 - Vinatieri closes down the Vikes. We're all 1-1 after the 9ers crush the Lions.
3:14 - The Pats are going to lose to the Cardinals. The 5th seal has been broken.
3:15 - AND....The Saints lose.What the eff.
3:16 - REDSKINS ON THE BOARD! Six points after Danny Amendola fumbleola. That won't sit well with Mustache.
3:16 - 3rd and 11 on the Cards side, and Ryan Williams fumbles the ball to the Pats. They owe Satan big.
3:17 - Colts win. Frazier sad.
3:18 - Hakeem Nicks just caught another bomb....and the Pats just scored a touchdown with Woodhead....but it got called back. Sad Woodhead.
3:18 - Giants score, Pats still grinding.
3:20 - Steve Gostoskoskwowski just hooked that effing game winner. A second left on the clock. Pats lose to the Cards. Time to break it apart.
3:23 - It's starting to look like you should have drafted Tampa Mike.
3:24 - Seattle just blocked the opening drive punt from the Cowboys and scored 6. WHAT IS GOING ON TODAY?!?!?
3:35 - Giants pick ends that game....nice run, Bucs. No dice.
3:38 - Vick within the five to win the game - fumble/pass/something. Going to be an ugly call. Should have never let go of the ball in the first place.
3:32 - (I don't know what's up with my time up there)....Dallas is down by 10 and Romo just heaved another pick. Wish I had commission on the whiskey sales in ReclinerQB's neighborhood today.
3:39 - And that's why I don't trust Flacco - pressure situation, can't be nails.
3:45 - Alfred Morris understands the importance of not losing his job. Huge run.
5:04 - Turns out I fell asleep. Ah well, worth it. Seahawks beating Cowboys as I awake. Just like expected.
5:20 - Alfred Morris looks like I'm going to wish I drafted him for the next couple of years. Also, Rams/Skins is best uniform game today.
5:21 - Except - are the Skins unis supposed to look like they're wearing collared shirts? How about a dickie, too?
5:47 - It took Sanchez and Ryan and the Jets to come to town to finally make me root for Ben Rothlisberger. I feel unclean.
5:48 - I kinda wish Bane would go ahead and cave in that stadium today.
5:52 - HORRIBLE CALL against the Steelers.
5:55 - The more football I watch this year, the more unbelievable it is that Plaxico Burress can't get a job anywhere.
6:15 - Alright, that's it for me....there's spaghetti on the line...thanks for tuning in, we should be back next week.
-MP
12:08 - Was putting away laundry. In that time, Hakeem Nicks has fifty yards receiving, and Mike Vick hasn't thrown a pick. Parity returns.
12:09 - PAC MAN JONES! 81 yard punt return. Bengals win.
12:10 - DOUBLEBOX! Saints and Eagles. Mark Ingram cannot score. Repeat. Eagles threatening Vikes.
12:11 - Surprising. The Saints go to the underrated Jim Graham in the end zone....and VICK PICK in the end zone.
12:13 - The elusive Ryan Tannehill on the bootleg for the score. BRING BACK THE WILDCAT!
12:13 part 2 - THe Arizona Cardinals are currently leading the New England Patriots. I expect to never say that again.
12:14 - Blair Walsh - Ice cold. The Vikes have the best kicking squad in the league. I'm looking at you @ChrisWarcraft.
12:15 - Flacco fumble. Back to reality, oops there goes gravity.
12:16 - Vick to Celek on 3rd and 20! Short. Reid is going for it. Reid don't give a sh*t.
12:18 - Brady with a pick! Don't try that junk on the Cards, bro, this ain't JV ball.
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| I'm okay, I got another spleen, right? |
12:23 - LeSean touchdown. Vick rocked again. Note this: he won't finish the game today.
12:23 - Kevin Kolb - missing Todd Heap by about fifteen yards. CARDINAL FOOTBALL!
12:24 - Drew Brees with a horrible throw returned by - did he say Gilbert Gottfried? Anyway, tied up Saints/Cats.
12:28 - Two weeks in a row, a Donnie Avery sighting. Put him on your watch list and just wait it out until the invariable injury.
12:29 First look at Bills/Chiefs...sounds like if you're a fan of either squad who likes offense, you may be investing in paint thinner mixers for a----CJ SPILLER TOUCHDOWN!
12:30 - Colts touchdown - the other rookie TE! I'd learn his name, but that seems like a waste of energy.
12:31 - Giants just pooched out three useless plays within the ten. They need some hands.
12:31 - Just saw two consecutive drops in Saints game from Moore and Graham. Do they do hands drills anymore, or was that jammed out in the CBA?
12:34 - VONTA LEACH TOUCHDOWN! You play your studs. Plus a penalty on the Eagles for...um 'being a dick', I think was the call, in the end zone.
12:35 - Mike Goodson - 65 yard catch and run for TD for the Raiders. Play your studs.
12:35 - Apparently Aaron Hernandez is hurt and off the field. BRING IN THE FOOTLONG!
12:38 - CAM SHAFT! Huge run not for a score, but huge. Ben Tate! 26 yards for the score. Always play your studs.
12:40 - Pretty sure I just saw WWE's The Edge on the sidelines of the Texans game. Hope he gives Gabbert a Conchairto..
12:41 - Cam looks like he's entering the DaunteZone. Works great for three years, enjoy 'em!
12:42 - RedZone keeps cutting out. God Damn You ATT.
12:44 - Awesome. System is resetting. Should be a good afternoon.
12:45 - Back in! Spiller with TD number 2. Cam Newton just fumbled on the one yard line on fourth down. Terrific.
12:46 - Vincent Jackson, touchdown Buccaneers. Still hate him.
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| AJ Green running a buttonhook |
12:55 - I'm done reporting on field goals. Unless they're clutch. Just not much to say, it's one of the sadder scoring plays.
12:56 - Someone needs to tell Andy Luck, and fast, that if he can't grow the mustache, the neck beard is a HORRIBLE plan B.
12:58 - Patriots still havin trouble against the behemoth that is Cardinal Defense.
12:59 - Vikes threatening, Colts rush, fumble and turnover. It's like watching puppies fight.
1:00 THE TRENT RICHARDSON ERA HAS BEGUN!
1:01 - Jacoby Jones. Touchdown Ravens. Much like we all expected.
1:02 - Buffalo forces a Chiefs fumble and recovers. The Bills are really making the Chiefs look like the Bills today.
1:03 - CJ Spiller is never letting Fred Jackson back on the field.
1:04 - Pretty sure Jacoby Jones' TD dance was called 'Making Cobb Salad with a Slap Chop'.
1:04 - Jonathan Stewart Touchdown.
1:05 - Spiller is about twelve seconds away from a third touchdown.
1:06 - Doug Martin endaround to the end zone. Bucs manhandling the Giants. SPILLER DENIED.
TD to Scott Chandler instead.
1:08 - Second touchdown for Ben Tate. That's why you took him in the 12th round.
1:15 - Apparently Ahmad Bradshaw left the Giants game some time ago. Joining the rest of their offense.
1:16 - Shady McCoy, fumble on the Ravens five. Ray Lewis recovers. Vick tackles him. Gonna be a rough year for the Eagles.
1:19 - Hakeem Nicks, wide open, score. Giants getting in rhythm.
1:21 - Mike Tolbert - bullrush TD for the Panthers. And that's why you still keep looking at him on your waiver wire.
1:25 - Carson Palmer will win this week's Most Inept Player, based on the squandered three downs he could have just used for a Raiders' touchdown.
1:26 - Okay, so Matt Cassell runs like mad, something like 30 yards to get the ball to the one. They give it to Payton Hillis, and he promptly either a) gets stopped short, or b) makes an extra lunge and fumbles the ball into Buffalo's hands in the end zone. This brings up this point: DROP PEYTON HILLIS.
1:31 - Holy crap. Eli Manning's 3 pick half just ended with giving up six on the third one. This is why people will never think you're as good as Peyton, bud.
1:36 - Basically halftime.....Hanson's just filling time, thinking about nachos.
1:50 - Brandon Tate! Bengals! THAT'S WHY YOU DRAFTED HI- oh wait.
1:51 - Vikes are getting screw calls.
1:52 - Joe Flacco: Keeping the Eagles In the Game.
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| 'And here we put a happy little BLITZ!!!' |
1:56 - The Saints D is really bad. And because they just apparently hurt Steve Smith, I hope that screws their whole year.
1:58 - Mike Vick is the only veteran QB I hear that weekly gets commended for using 'high percentage passes'.
2:00 - CARDS PUNT BLOCK ON ZOLTAN MESKO! MESKO!...DeAngelo Williams touchdown in Carolina. Would have been terrific last week, Deeanj.
2:01 - Just like we talked about all week, the Cards came to Foxboro to manhandle the hapless Patriots.
2:02 - God Damn. Why did I sit Jeremy Maclin this week? Great end zone grab....Eagles back in the scrum. Fists will fly in the fourth.
2:02 - Also, in 'things that were obvious', Reggie Bush with a spectacular run to move the Dolphins even more above the Raiders. - Breaking: MJD with the catch for six!
2:04 - Steve Smith leaving the field, and Antonio Gates inactive tonight in week two. Tremendous drafting, Matty.
2:12 Just in: The Chiefs are horrible. Stevie Johnson with a TD catch and run of about three miles. In related news: Saints and Pats have troubles.
2:13 And per schedule, Reggie Bush with his second long run for a touchdown. Looked like about 70 yards. Al Davis' skeleton has risen from the crypt and is on it's way to wrap it's bony fingers around the lifeless husk of Reggie McKenzie.
2:17 - Ben Tate, second score of the day. That's why you used the overall #1 on him.
2:24 - Saints double up with the Ingram/Thomas combo for 6 - just like we figured, right?
2:25 - The nice thing about all these back-up and third stringers blowing up this week is that it's going to put a lot of quality out on the waiver wires come Tuesday.
2:38 - Andrew Hawkins of the Bengals just made a space for himself on your fantasy team.
2:39 - Vick bomb to Jackson results in a) terrific catch and b) second starting WR for the Eagles going to the locker room for the afternoon.
2:40 - Vickoff Pickoff! Ed Reed making DeSean Jackson's injury even more fruitless.
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| I can't win from over here.... |
2:41 - Anthony Fasano with the Miami touchdown. He might be a good TE to pick up. Also, Cards are continuing to own the Patriots. And Percy Harvin is hurt.
2:47 - OH NOOOOOO! Blaine Gabbert is out of the Jacksonville game. Sell all your possessions, the end is nigh.
2:54 - Victor Cruz just provided a killshot. That was a nice effort Tampa Bay, but the Giants are coming for you, and they've got time.
3:05 - The last five minutes have just been going back and forth between the Pats and the Vikes trying to ties up their games. Vikes did. Pats couldn't get the 2 pt conversion. This is all according to plan.
3:07 - Oh, and the Giants just scored again. Martellus Bennett looks like yet another TE you might want to be starting.
3:09 - HOLY HELL. The Bucs just won't lay down. Tampa Mike with the bomb grab to tie the game again.
3:11 - Vikes D needs to hold Colts O. Can Wet Paper hold a Thrown Feather?
3:13 - Vinatieri closes down the Vikes. We're all 1-1 after the 9ers crush the Lions.
3:14 - The Pats are going to lose to the Cardinals. The 5th seal has been broken.
3:15 - AND....The Saints lose.What the eff.
3:16 - REDSKINS ON THE BOARD! Six points after Danny Amendola fumbleola. That won't sit well with Mustache.
3:16 - 3rd and 11 on the Cards side, and Ryan Williams fumbles the ball to the Pats. They owe Satan big.
3:17 - Colts win. Frazier sad.
3:18 - Hakeem Nicks just caught another bomb....and the Pats just scored a touchdown with Woodhead....but it got called back. Sad Woodhead.
3:18 - Giants score, Pats still grinding.
3:20 - Steve Gostoskoskwowski just hooked that effing game winner. A second left on the clock. Pats lose to the Cards. Time to break it apart.
3:23 - It's starting to look like you should have drafted Tampa Mike.
3:24 - Seattle just blocked the opening drive punt from the Cowboys and scored 6. WHAT IS GOING ON TODAY?!?!?
3:35 - Giants pick ends that game....nice run, Bucs. No dice.
3:38 - Vick within the five to win the game - fumble/pass/something. Going to be an ugly call. Should have never let go of the ball in the first place.
3:32 - (I don't know what's up with my time up there)....Dallas is down by 10 and Romo just heaved another pick. Wish I had commission on the whiskey sales in ReclinerQB's neighborhood today.
3:39 - And that's why I don't trust Flacco - pressure situation, can't be nails.
3:45 - Alfred Morris understands the importance of not losing his job. Huge run.
5:04 - Turns out I fell asleep. Ah well, worth it. Seahawks beating Cowboys as I awake. Just like expected.
5:20 - Alfred Morris looks like I'm going to wish I drafted him for the next couple of years. Also, Rams/Skins is best uniform game today.
5:21 - Except - are the Skins unis supposed to look like they're wearing collared shirts? How about a dickie, too?
5:47 - It took Sanchez and Ryan and the Jets to come to town to finally make me root for Ben Rothlisberger. I feel unclean.
5:48 - I kinda wish Bane would go ahead and cave in that stadium today.
5:52 - HORRIBLE CALL against the Steelers.
5:55 - The more football I watch this year, the more unbelievable it is that Plaxico Burress can't get a job anywhere.
6:15 - Alright, that's it for me....there's spaghetti on the line...thanks for tuning in, we should be back next week.
-MP
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