Football Methadone

Written by J.R. Shepperd

     NFL, the reason we are all here.  The addiction we all possess.  It is an addiction that rivals heroin. (or so I'm told)

     You have the preseason. A time when you would go to parties with your friends.  Doing the drug recreationally. Insisting "Its not an addiction, I can quit anytime I want!"

     Then comes the regular season. Kiss the wife and kids good bye, because every Sunday you are in a trance, unresponsive to any form of stimulation other than your precious NFL.  Your wife and kids plead for you to get help, but you are still very insistent that you could stop at any time, you just don't want to.

"My friends can handle their high!!"

   Next comes the playoffs, you are being slowly weened off your addiction, (not by choice), your supplier, skinny Goodell, has run low on the supply.  You scour the furthest reaches of the Internet, maybe you can find (shudder) a C.F.L. game, just to fill that emptiness.
     Imagine that roller coaster ride, and how it comes to a screeching halt in a mere 60 seconds... Those 60 seconds after the Super Bowl clock hits 00:00 and the confetti has stopped falling.  It is then you realize "I have to wait until April before I can see my precious again?!?!". Much like a family intervention in which they handcuff you, toss you in a trunk and drop you off at a rehab, waiving as they speed away....

   

"I got r' dun!!"

     So what is a guy to do?? Fret not my pasty friend! Do what the nerds do, resort to technology!  Everyone has a smart phone, tablet, or some form of computer (or how the hell are you reading this?).  Why not let me act as your Sherpa through all the P.O.S., boring apps that flood the App Store.  And not just apps, I plan to scour the darkest reaches of the Internet, looking for ways to keep us from becoming NASCAR fans...  truly a fate worse than death. 
   
     I start my app adventure by doing something that 90% of NFL fans have wanted to do themselves.... Punch Tim Tebow straight in that beautiful face of his! ....yes, I am secure enough in my masculinity to say that.  :)

I am Tebowing as we speak.

     The premise of the app is simple, there is a picture of Tebow and you punch it... over, and over, and over, and over again.  The more I played this, the more I wanted to "Elvis" my iPhone!! What a steaming pile this is!!  The only thing that breaks up the painful repetitiveness of this app is the stupid slogans that pop in after a while. 

   
  "Tebow used a jump-pass against his eight year-old nephew. He has no mercy for the weak."
     
     No mercy huh?  I can agree, mercy would be making this app mildly entertaining.  But it's not.  Don't waste the 2 megabits of bandwidth it takes to download this.  I've downloaded some poor apps in my time ( Geico Brostache ) but this one takes the cake. And what boggles my mind is there are a bunch of positive reviews of this app!!
     "Punch Tebow, my new favorite app!!!!!"
    
     You've wondered what happened to that kid who would sniff paint thinner back in high school.  Looks like I found him, and he's reviewing apps. I'm not even going to link this P.O.S., I would hate for the download count to go up by one accidentally. On a scale of one to five Kurt's, I give this one Kurt, because I can't give any lower than that!

You make Tebow smile!

The only possible way you may find this app useful, is if you are a Jets fan and use it like a digital Voodoo Doll.
















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