The "Girlfriend Concept"

Written by: J. R. Shepperd

     Standing lifelessly in the mall, you accompany your wife/girlfriend/baby mama as she tries on clothes.  (for the millionth time)
      "Does this skirt make my butt look fat?" She asks.
You respond with the same unconscious, "Not at all babe.", not looking up from your NFL mobile app. When all of a sudden, some movement catches the corner of your eye. You turn to look and who do you see walking towards you? The 1992 version of Claudia Schiffer (or a reasonable facsimile.)

Instantly your brain kicks into survival mode...
      "My girl is right here, do I tempt fate and look a little longer or stare at my iPhone?" your inner-voice screams over and over again! You frantically take inventory of your girl...
     "Oh thank God! She is talking to the salesperson!"
You proceed with caution, slowly turning your head. No sudden movements... There she is, as amazing as you had hoped. Your brain starts playing "Cherry pie" by Warrant as she strolls closer.
     "Is she smiling at me? Should I smile back?" When all of a sudden you hear
     "Is that what you want?!?"  Your head snaps forward to find your girl staring at you, arms crossed, face as red as Claudia's lipstick.
     "I said, is that what you want!?!?" she says, growing more impatient by the second....

     What do you do hotshot? What do you do? You wouldn't dream of cheating on your girl, so why would you ever cheat in your NFL team? I'm here to tell you that cheating is alright (on your team, not your wife)
Any true NFL fan has a team. A team that you have been with through thick and thin. For richer or poorer. Through taking Alex Smith over Aaron Rodgers. *facepalm.

     That being said the concept of the "girlfriend team" should always be taken seriously. The equation works out like this:

if(49ers = wife)then(Broncos = girlfriend) /2

     There is nothing wrong with cheering your heart out for another team (when your team isn't playing). Hell, I switch girlfriend teams faster than Belichick cuts the sleeves off a brand new hoodie. And I sleep like a baby every Sunday night.  It doesn't make me a bad person.  It makes me a football fan.  Its shows an appreciation for the game itself.  Whether it is cheering against a certain team, so your team can take first in the division. Or because you have a team's quarterback in a fantasy league and need 4 TDs and 300 yards to pull off the upset.
     We all have standards as far as which type of woman we will date, I won't date any one taller than me.  I stand 6'5 so it's not too hard to meet that requirement.  Same goes for my girlfriend teams.  Under no circumstance will I cheer for an NFC west division rival, the Cowboys or the Steelers.  The division rival thing you can understand., but as far as the Cowboys and Steelers...  Their fans drive me up a wall!! (I got your terrible towel right here.)
     So in summation, You're not going to end up on the defunct T.V. show "Cheaters". Don't be ashamed to "cheat" on your team. If you find yourself cheering for the Bills, because if they beat the Ravens, your Bengals claim the division.  Cheer!  Cheer like your life depended on it!

You have my blessing...

                                                   

   (... but remember, everyone has a camera phone now.)

"Does this skirt make my butt look fat??"

These aren't the droids your looking for... But this is the fantasy football advice you need!

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