Week 9 Throwdown: Returning From The Bye

by Matt Prendergast, refreshed and revitalized

It was all I ever wanted

You know, I wasn't initially planning a mini-vacation break to coincide with the Packers' bye, but as it turned out, it was a terrific idea, because a) I was starting to feel a little burn [a feeble attempt at a Week 8 piece resulted in only the equation '(LEWIS + SUGGS) x BAG OF SOAP/PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY = FLACCO DISABILITY = SUPER BOWL)' repeatedly for seven pages],  and b) I didn't want half my family to leave the house permanently because I opted to 'write an occassionally entertaining blog about football' in lieu of 'celebrating the days of their births'.

Let's jump back in headfirst without checking the depth of the creek!

Jets @ Bills - Tubbymouth Footfreak comes a-leading his band of malcontents and ne'er-do-wells upstate for what I'm assuming they believe will be a beat-down, because The Jets carry themselves with a swagger that says 'we're always driving the Hurt Train'. They then usually proceed to 'not do that', but it's still cute. I don't get why they keep forgetting Sanchez is their guy, but whatever.

This is clever. And available.

The Bills have lost some of the magic-team sparkle from the first month of the year, but that doesn't make them less dangerous - they are competitors, and Fred Jackson looks bound and determined to run all their high running back draft picks out of town weeping. Yes, Steve Johnson and David Nelson are going to have a rougher time of it on the outside, but rest assured that once Scott Chandler and Jackson start giving the Jets 'touchdown issues', Lord Revis is sure to pull up mysteriously gimpy giving SJ a chance at his.

The Win Goes To:  Buffalo! In a close one...

Filled with hope and dreams!

Falcons @ Colts - Meh. One uninteresting under-performing team is going to beat the living tar out of an incompetent and busted one. Or are they?

The Win Goes To: Here's my stupid pick of the week (to compliment my other near-dozen 'kinda stupid' picks)  THE COLTS. For no logistically sound reason other than 'I want them to'. So be careful with that when placing your wagers.

Seahawks @ Cowboys - I still like the Seahawks in general - it took a week for the fantasy screw-job that was 'Marshawn's not playing today...wait, we didn't tell you that? I'm pretty sure we told somebody that...maybe I just thought it' to subside in it's pain-inducement.  I've grown since then. The only thing that really is holding them back from taking things to the next (read: 'competitive') level in real games is their unwillingness to try using a quarterback in their offense.  Maybe next year.

We proudly present: the 2012 Miami Coaching Crew

Over at Cowboy Acres, Rob Ryan has made it abundantly clear - in a 'I'm not saying this, I'm just saying this.' manner -  that he wants the top gig somewhere, mostly so he can give his brother a nougie on national television.  Good.  I love Rob Ryan - he looks the part, and gives a lot less stupid interviews than his brother.  But mostly, if it's in Texas, or Florida, or wherever, I want Rob Ryan as a head coach in this league  because I'm 100% certain that he will make Sammy Hagar his Offensive Coordinator, because hey - what the hell, right?  THE RED ROCKER! In the meantime, Rob does have his current guys behind him (maybe more than Garrett does), and they're going to be itching to get the taste of Eagle feet out their mouths.

The Win Goes To:  The Cowboys, and it's going to be dominating.

 The Browns' vaunted 2-Headed Sitting Attack

Browns @ Texans - The current reigning 'NFL's Most Valuable Anchor' will be sitting on the sidelines again this week, moping and tenderizing his hammy with tears, and standing next to him uneasily will be the perennially broken Montario Hardesty. Truth: Those were the two only chances the Browns had in this game; an ingrate and Mr. Glass.  So instead, the Browns are unleash a new two-headed running attack composed of Nevaheardo'him Whatshissack and Whocares Fodderton.  Fierce. How bad is Clinton Portis looking at these tryouts anyway? Did he have his knees removed or something? Because that does sound like something CP might do....

Let's make this clear: Andre Johnson would be playing in this game if the Texans didn't already assume they'll be up by three decades in the middle of the third. Since he was already declared 'down for the count' more or less by the middle of last week, let's assume the Texans are going to stick with a 'run for 320 yards first to support the pass' scheme, and then throw touchdowns to Joel Dreessen.

The Walkthrough Victory Goes To:  Houston

Yet, somehow, this still remains historically sadder  

Dolphins @ Chiefs - Remember how I picked the Colts up there? Yeah, that's the bottoming-out of my 'ridiculous' threshold. Look at the bright side, Fins fans! You're finally going to bookend that '72 undefeated team.  HOORAY FOR SYMMETRY!

The Chiefs, by the by, have started to look pretty dang good over the last month.  Not world-domination-level good, but dangerous thanks to Todd Haley's revolutionary 'I'm probably in need of hospitalization because I truly believe my bearded drifter look is winning us games' strategy.

The Win Goes To: The Chiefs.  Maybe with twelve touchdowns. Start your Chiefs!

WHEEEEEEE! Bye, Season!

49ers @ Redskins - Classic 'Skins season - starting out with enough gumption and excitement to get the souls and hearts of their faithful a-brimming, just long enough to lead them off the highest cliff to a tragically beautiful smashing on the rocks below. Fantasy aside: hey owners, the answer to your now-weekly question: 'which of these guys do I pick to start, Helu or Torain?' is simple: no.

The Niners, by the way, have the second-best record in the entire league.  No, that's real.  With Alex Smith. Which indicates clearly that the rest of this team is unearthly good.  Let's hope they never opt to upgrade the position.

The Win Goes To:  The Niners

WAIT, WAIT! THIS is your card now, right? No? WTF?!?

Buccaneers @ Saints - Okay, so let me see if I understand this, Saints: rather than address the what-and-why behind how the St. Louis Rams made you pay for a nice steak-and-lobster dinner AND front-row tickets and then went home with a hotter girl last week in a cab you paid for, you've opted to ignore that and instead force your opposition to report a guy as injured when he's obviously going to be playing.  For future reference: that's not how misdirection works.

I was willing to check off the Rams thrashing as a Those-Things-Happen loss, but now with this bizarro move, I'm beginning to wonder if they should have run some exploratory CAT scans on Sean Payton whilst knitting his leg back together. Regardless, there's some problems bubbling-up in New Orleans, whether anyone wants to admit it or not.

The Win Goes To:  The Buccaneers. It's going to work sort of like an intervention.

This should have been your first clue

Bustos @ Raiders - Willis McGahee has pledged his soul that he will be playing in this game to help out the Broncos. The only remaining question is: why? Let that hand heal up some, son, ain't no big hurry.  Hell, take the rest of the season off, it's not gonna hurt anybody's feelings. Clearly John Fox gave up trying three weeks ago, and you don't want to be showing him up, he's the coach who listens to fans! And though it's been said many times, many ways, it bears repeating: Tim Tebow is a horrible, horrible quarterback.

For the Raidahs,  Carson Palmer's knowledge of at least double-digits in the playbook will be a monumentally important factor. In his rapid-fire debut, there's no dancing around it, Palmer looked awful (yet still better than Kyle Boller)....well, execution-wise, he looked awful.  More importantly: arm-wise, he's gots some spinach back on the plate....Let's assume he spent most of the bye-week working out a few kinks.

The Win Goes To::  The Black and Silver Juggernaut

Hey CJ! Pick a consonant for the win!

Bengals @ Titans - So, Chris Johnson isn't sweating over his complete absence of performance because he already earned all that money. Wow. Wheels have ne'er come spinning off a bus quicker. Yet through all that disappointment, the Titans have maintained a winning record.  That said, welcome back to Averageland, kids.

The Bengals are quietly playing pretty good football, and with a win here will either put themselves in a three-way tie for their division lead, or at least pull ahead of the Ravens.  Yeah, I didn't even notice that happening, either, but it did. And this week, CJPaidK is going to see little to nothing against the league's second-ranked rushing quenchers.  Conversely, the Titans blow against the run, and Cedric got himself a nice week of resting up. They won't need Dalton-to-Green to pummel the Titans, but they'll probably use that anyway, just to spit on Cortland Finnegan for funsies.

I would rather tackle the left one, sir

Rams @ Cardinals - Last week's Rams, spare parts and duct tape and all, looked phenomenal.  Can that be repeated? Well, not against another top-shelf selection like the Saints - not this year - but lucky for them there's a two-for-one special on rail mixers down at Sun Devil Stadium. You know who's starting for the Cards?  John Skelton. That's like half-a-Feeley. Bet Fitz is happy he got the contract shorn up early.

Whether the Rams get the services of Sam Bradford this week, or run Old Man Feeley out there one more time, it shouldn't matter - this game, and all of the Rams' fortunes this year ride once-again on Steven Jackson. And to compliment SJax, his veteran experience really paid off this year as he opted to have his annual month-hobbling injury early this year, providing for a nice second-half of powerful destructive availability.

The Win Goes To: The Majestic Rams

Yep.

Giants @ Patriots - The Patriots already lost two games in row this year. That's not going to happen again. Especially not to the Giants. Especially not when they're all broken. Good week to be Brandon Jacobs; they're not even going to blame you for what doesn't happen. This match-up feels so uneven, I'm surprised it's not on ESPN's Monday Night Football.

The Win Goes To: The Patriots

Packers @ Char.....OH GOOD LORD, WHY EVEN BOTHER?  I mean, I thought that this was going to be the first one the Packers dropped, but then the last two weeks happened, wrapped up with Phil Rivers forgetting how hands work.

Also no longer producing any electricity

That said, I still think there's some danger here for the Packers - Darren Sproles is a complete wildca---what now? Oh, that's right. Never mind. Honestly, the Bolts have some problems, clearly, but to their advantage, GB still doesn't cover tight ends worth a good goddamn, and Antonio Gates is still the best guy playing that position. If Norv hasn't totally lost use of his mental facilities, they'll exploit that. For a quarter and a half, then they'll inexplicably 'not do that anymore'.

The Win Goes To: The Undefeated Champions of the World

I like this picture.  A lot.

Ravens @ Steelers - Probably the best Sunday Night matchup we're going to get this season. Hate, anger and bitterness - that's what makes this game great!

Last time through, I picked against the Ravens, but said it would be close. The Ravens then summarily dismantled the Steelers and buried all the parts in separate states.  This time through, I won't be so fool-hardy - this time I say 'RAVENS BLOWOUT'.  So you best go put your monies on the Steelers.

The Win Goes To: Seriously, the Ravens are that 'play to the level of our competition' frustrating team this year. But they're still going to beat Pittsburgh.

Obligatory Philly-Rocky reference now fufilled

Bears @ Eagles - Well, well, well....look who showed up after the bye week? The gol'dang super-charged Philadelphia Eagles.  And they proceeded to tenderize the Cowboys like they were training for the prize-fight of a lifetime. This week, Ole' J Cutty gets to be the rack of beef.

The Bears just don't have as much emotional investment in beating Philly as the Boys/Eagles do, so there's no way they're ready for this pummeling. They will certainly fight, and there will be a few moments of worry, but the Bears just don't have enough consistency or talent to hang in for this contest.

The Win Goes To:  The Rejuvenated Eagles

Now let's all go fix ourselves up a mess of ribs!

If you enjoy these disjointed meanderings, there are more available @amazingmattyp on the Twitter