Throwdown X: VH1's Worst Week Ever

by Matt Prendergast, rethinking his oddsmaker career plan

An abbreviated entry this week - short on time, angry with Lady Luck. The great news for you is 'abbreviated me' is still 'really wordy, to the point where one can get a nice nap in'.  Run that flag up the pole!

Saints @ Falcons - Ah, leading off with two teams that affect my sleep. I'm coming to a real dislike of the entirety of the AFC South, which mostly just tells me that whoever wins the tin tiara is still going home in the first round of the real dancing competition in a couple of months. Both these squads are hot-and-cold, losing games they just flat-out shouldn't. Completely coin-flipping this one. Because I really want to pick the Saints, and I'm always wrong about both these teams, so I'm invoking the Costanza Principle and doing the opposite. Winner: Falcons

Titans @ Panthers - You know what Cam?  I like you, a whole lot. It's just, you know, it's not working out. Our relationship - this one in which I say 'it's his week, they're overdue', and then you come out and say 'you aren't the boss of me, I do what I like!'....well, it's not healthy. We're not communicating like we used to, kind of like Chris Johnson and 'carrying a ball successfully'. Sometimes it's best for everybody if we just walk away. I want my Ramones vinyls back, but you can totally keep the Hootie discs though. All of them.

Oh who am I kidding? I can't hate you.  Winner:  Panthers.  Let's go out for some cheese fries after, Cam, okay? We're good now, right?

Steelers @ Bengals - Can hardly believe I'm going to type this, but I'm going to: the Bengals are the better team.  Well, standings-wise. But a closer look reveals that they've played exactly three semi-challenging games to date - the Bills, the Titans and the 49ers. DID I JUST TYPE THAT TOO?  WHAT IS HAPPENING THIS YEAR?!?! Anyhow, The Steelers just finished dropping both the season's scrums with the Ravens, and in heartbreaking fashion. So somebody's going to get pummeled with a bagful of soap and doorknobs, shoved in a trunk, driven around for a couple of hours and left laying in a roadside ditch this week.  That special somebody is Andy Dalton; welcome to the fraternity, frosh! And then they might do the old shaving-cream-on-the-hand trick just to add some pizzazz. Winner: Steelers

Rams @ Browns - Good god.  Winner: Rams.  Mostly because Mike Polk needs to do more of these:

This never stops getting better.  Every time it's funnier. Hang on, I'm gonna watch it again.  Yep, every time. Something you can count on, it's nice to have that in these unstable times.

Bills @ Cowboys - I really, really want to pick the Bills here....I've got that convincing 'they're  bound to right this ship quick' feeling about them, love the matchups, the whole ball of wax. They've got all the tools, and Dallas is still banged up as all hell (can somebody get a trainer to hang out with Miles Austin, like, all of the time?) So judging on my feeling on my success judging the Buffalo franchise in this column to date, it's clear there's only one direction to go:  COSTANZA PRINCIPLE! Winner: Dallas Cowboys.

Del Rio, don't be jealous I've been chatting online with Andrew Luck all day 

Jaguars @ Colts - GAH! There's a worse game that Rams @ Browns in the same week? STOP BURNING MY HEART THROUGH MY EYEBALLS! Remember when this match-up was totally an awesome, game-of-the-week, bloodfeud-angry cage fight?  Me too! Last year was cool. I can't help but feel like we're just about due for Maurice Jones-Drew's yearly voyage on the USS Injury List, but that's going to be really dependent on whether or not the Colts tackle anybody this week. While the Colts are outstanding in the field of awful, they've got to win one game this year, and it might as well be against the Sags. Winner? Indianapolis Semi-Professional Football Team Guys.

Broncos @ Chiefs - JESUS H.?!? Did the schedule dudes specifically set this weekend up so people will go  holiday shopping early? At least Haley will have taken a bath by this weekend.  Maybe. Please to note: The Broncos are two games out of their division lead.  Really. With how awful they appeared to be bound and determined to make this year, they still have a legitimate shot - hell, they aren't even the worst team in their division any more - that distinction is being hardscrabble fought for by both the Chiefs (Miami did that to you? MIAMI?!?!? I can't even look at you.) and the Effing Chargers like it's half-a-can of beans at a Michigan hobo encampment in January. The Broncos are trying like hell....and hey, I still don't think Tebow is a 'great quarterback' per se, but he does seem to be a 'winner', and sometimes (see: McMahon, Jim) that's way more important. Kudos to John Elway for motivating TT via psychological maneuvering normally reserved for 12-year-olds: 'if you keep sucking, we're taking the ball from you and giving it to Brady, and you can sit over there eating orange slices'.  Whatever works. Winner: Broncos. To put them in a three-way tie for second in the AFC West, and only one game back from the lead. Suck on that for a minute; tastes weird doesn't it?

WEEK TEN IN THE NFL: IT'S FAAAANTASTIC!

Redskins @ Dolphi----SERIOUSLY?!? Now you're doing it on purpose, jackhole. Winner: Certainly not the viewing public. Dolphins, I guess, they seem to be a little less 'totally broken' this week. (Editorial Note: The judges would have also accepted: 'Who cares?')

Cardinals @ Eagles - This really isn't getting any better, you know, both in 'quality of weekly match-up' terms, as well in a 'Eagles season' manner of speaking. It's time to accept that this entire year was an abject failure - you're tied for last with the goddamn Redskins. THE REDSKINS!!! They don't even have any receivers! Fortunately, the crash-test dummies of Arizona are hellbent to finish below the Rams this year, so at least you'll get to move up a game and kid yourselves that there's still a chance for one more week. Kolb may play, Kolb may not play; doesn't matter, Kolb not good at playing. Winner: Eagles, but not due to lack of effort on their part to lose in spectacular fashion.

Texans @ Buccaneers - The Texans are a better team than I thought without Andre Johnson.  Granted they don't pass anymore, ever, but as long as that continues to 'not matter one bit', I see no problem with the decision. The Bucs are probably the most average team in the league to date; not enough problems to fire anybody, but not enough talent or execution to be 'good'. One LeGarrette Blount < Foster/Tate.  And there it is.  Winner: Texans.

'I named him 'Suggs'!'

Ravens @ Seattle - So you say you're in Seattle and a die-hard 'Hawks fan, but you don't have the scratch this week to cobble together the 65 bucks for one of the crap seats?  No problem, bud! You can at least scrounge up a twenty, right? Anybody can come up with a twenty. Okay, so head on down to that Pike Place Fish Market you guys like so much, and buy the biggest fish you can get with that twenty - we're not concerned with the flavor so much, or the type - it can be a grouper, walleye, salmon is a nice choice - hell, even an eel if you want, just make sure it's big.  Now pay for it with your twenty.  Done? Good, last step...now have the guy that sold it to you pick it up, rear back, and swing that flopper as hard as he can right into your head. Repeat a half-dozen times. Done?  Good, now you feel exactly as you would have had you gone to the game, you saved forty-five bucks and you can still eat the fish if you want!  YAY! Winner: Ravens.

Lions @ Bears - FINALLY.  A game worth your time and investment. And yes, I did say that about the Bears-Lions. This game should be tremendous and ugly and angry and great. And the best part is, somebody is going to lose in a manner that will spin the wheels off their team for the next month. Such is the way in the middle of the NFC North. The Bears looked better-than-good on Monday, whilst the Lions...well, they aren't so awe-inspiring as maybe they were before that first loss. And also before the second loss. I'm going to regret saying this, but I'm honestly believing there's one big game in Roy Williams' year, and this is going to be it. Let's keep in mind, when I say 'big game', I am referring to 'for Roy Williams', so sixty yards and a score will qualify. I also believe the Bears are now primarily focused on keeping the Lions out of the playoffs by all means necessary   Winner: Bears. With a heart-breaking fail on the final Lions' drive.

Giants @ Niners - Giants have been looking pretty dang good despite still working with a lot of duct tape and glue holding the machine together. This team is the biggest challenge the Niners' have come up against in quite some time. Whilst I like the Niners' story this year, I still don't quite get how they only have one loss, because outside of Frank Gore, there aren't any reliable superstar performances driving the bus. All that said, the Niners have a five game lead in their division, while the Giants are going to be fighting for their division up until the last week, and I am prone to believe they want this more, I just have that gut feeling about them this week....so that said, I'm using my third and final Costanza Principle invocation.  Winner: 49ers.

Patriots @ Jets - I've come to the stark realization that just because I want the Jets to suck, that doesn't mean they do.  This game couldn't be bigger for both teams involved....Gang Green is starting to shift into a higher gear (I guess that 'running the ball again, because we were good at it before we stopped doing it' idea was a stroke of genius), while the Pats, well, look more than a little stumbly in all the wrong places. This could be one of those fabled 'power shift' games, where the Pats start looking up at other teams' asses for a couple of years.  And let's be honest, I hope that happens.  Going with the hot hand here (figuratively, Mark Sanchez will never have a hot hand. Ever.) - Winner: Jets.

Or maybe 'Tecmo Bowl' is a more accurate comparison

Vikings @ Packers - Liked what I saw out of Christian Ponder the last time out, and I kind of feel sorry for him - he gets the buzzsaw two times in his first four games.  That's brutal.  But let's lay this out honestly: the Green Bay Packers have the thirtieth ranked defense in the entire league. That's one better than the Colts, for persepctive.  And it doesn't matter, even for a second. The Packers are playing Madden this year, and the rest of the league is set to 'Rookie' difficulty.  Which, when you yourself are a rookie, makes for a long evening of tears. Lucky for you, unless you're a Green Bay fan, or a rostered player or coach for the Vikings, you're going to get a nice, full night of sleep this Monday, having gone to bed after the first quarter. Winner: Packers.

Fire up the coals and let's make us some brisket!

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