Trapped In The RedZone© Week 4: Apocalypse

by Matt Prendergast

'I clearly said 'single-malt', Betty. Clean out your desk.'

I believe Former President Gerald Ford said it best: 'Hey Homer, do you like football? Do you like nachos? Would you like to come to my house and watch football and eat nachos?' Welcome to Week 4 of this tremendous experiment in rapid-fire media interpolation and smart-assery!

A lot of developments this week: Mike Carey and and the other officials are back running the show, Kenny Britt has now gone from 'potential sleeper' to 'space occupier on your bench', and my family has informed me, specifically, that it's 'kind of nice on Sundays' when I squirrel away for five hours to do this, and only emerge 'once in a while'. Love.

For quick review: you know what NFL RedZone© is: the greatest development in man's history, save for perhaps the Zippo lighter and hot cheese, all hosted by the fantastic Scott Hanson. I will be here giving you immediate feedback, in addition to helpful insight on delicious sandwiches and possible health issues I'm experiencing AS THEY HAPPEN LIVE!

Join me starting at noon and refresh your browser often....I appreciate you coming for the ride.

Important Note: I would expect this to get pretty Saints/Packers heavy about 3:45, but we'll do our best to keep the lesser games in the mix.....

Early Notes: Watching some pre game nonsense all over the place, here's a couple things: Kenny Britt is sitting out today, because, let's face it, it's not gonna make a difference.

John Elway's commercial for Dove Skin Care above is subtly the most disturbing thing I've seen in many a moon. I may need to consult Revelations, as I'm pretty confident that at least one of the images featured represents the breaking of the third seal.

Nobody bothered to tell Michael Irvin before he conducted a whole interview that 'Roddy' is not, in fact' pronounced 'Rowdy'. On the other hand, look at that suit.

Effing Warren Sapp still thinks he's the best guy to ever touch the game. That's good self-esteem, tween girls, as he maintains that opinion while simultaneously sitting next to three guys that were tremendously better then, as well as now.

Why is Bleacher Report sending me an update the Mikel LeShoure will be playing today? Is this already a concern? HE PLAYED ONE WEEK. Do not trust the Lions for your fantasy running needs.

Play Jerome Simpson today. Time to roll the dice....

Alright, need to shower and heat some meat, back with more pre-game observations in a few....

Wait! Spiller's in, and so's Fred Jackson. Now I hate the Bills RBs this week. Somebody trade Fred Jackson to the Lions already, cool?

5 Pounds. Bam.

Today's blog of mayhem football will be fueled today by Papa Charlie's Italian Beef. Papa Charlie's! Put It In A Blender And Have A Beef Shake! (I'm not positive that's their slogan, I'm just guessing). Gonna make a run at two and a half pounds, give or take, today.

These fellas on the NFL Network pre-game really do a nice job of pretending they are convinced that the Jets are a competitive - nigh, lethal - football club. They must all be competing for a part in Expendables 3.

I love Rich Eisen, but sometimes it seems like he gets lost in his sentences so he just keeps on going until it sounds like it's ended.

Internet Pro-Tip - Oddly enough, Googling 'Beef Shake' in the image search is not even close to 'unbelievable vile' as you'd think. In fact, not at all....pretty tame, YOU MISSED SOMETHING, INTERNET!

I'm 95% sure that Kurt Warner is wearing mascara. WTF, Kurt? Your eyebrows look like your old lady's did a decade ago.

I know it's a 'limited snaps' return, but I'm still playing Pierre Garcon in all my lineups today - and I'm huge on getting Cedric Benson in your flex or RB2 spot.

Whoops! Almost forgot to flip over to RedZone for my weekly Rank/Fabiano and....uh, Fabs is telling us to sit Chris Johnson, Mark Ingram, Andre Brown and DeAngelo Williams. Thanks, Mike. Is Roy Helu also a bad play?

I'm going to keep repeating this: DO NOT PLAY BRANDON LLOYD.

Wow - great prediction from Elliot Harrison who called that the Texans D will score double the fantasy points of Chris Johnson this week. That's tremendous. That's how you get me on board, E.

12:00 - I wonder if the Tron people are gonna sue the RedZone© people for intellectual property infringement because of that opening. Also, I'm already tired of hearing about how the Jets are going to cope without Darrelle Revis. They're going to stack a couple of Cromartie's kids on top of each other and throw a trenchcoat and a helmet on them, obviously. No problem.

First Place. NFC North. Choke on that, Childress.

12:02 - The Pats have deferred the kickoff to the Bills. THE PATS SEASON IS OVER!

12:04 - Percy Harvin, runback for a TD from the endzone - 105 yards. Good luck, Detroit.

12:07 - Andre Johnson against the Titans secondary is the equivalent of 'Me' versus 'A Pile Of Ants'

12:08 - Uh oh....Atlanta 3 and out. Here comes the Cam Newton Experience! Know why? Because I benched Steve Smith everywhere....Texans touchdown to the TE Casey? Kasey? Eh, you don't have him.

12:10 - The early highlights here are always a little stunted. A fifteen yard pass to Sidney Rice doth not 'The BIG PLAY in this drive, make'. MARSHAWN LYNCH touchdown. Also, early Double-Box - Matt Ryan getting his hand looked at.

12:11 - Greg Olsen, Touchdown Panthers! Olsen showing that tenacity and heart that the Bears drafted him for. In 2007.

12:13 - Jason Hanson for 3....it's a barnburner. Sanchez to Chaz Schilens for...I don't know, twelve yards? Why is that a highlight?

12:14 - Jackie Battle is the best running back on the Chargers. Also, Aldon Smith just planted Sancho like a sapling.

12:14 - Part Deux. Stevan Ridley, touchdown....the mighty Patriots running game is mighty!

12:15 - EDDIE ROYAL ENDZONE RESURGENCE! 6 for Chargers, scan your waiver wires!

12:17 - Jerome Simpson. First catch. Here we go......

12:18 - Colin Kaepernick just Tim Tebowed the Jets. And I probably spelled his name super-wrong. And also I totally don't care.

12: 20 - Kapernock in again, huge bomb attempt to Randy Moss. Incomplete, but I like that the Niners are Jetting the Jets.

12:21 - Ugh....Matt Cassell is Tom Petty to the Chiefs' Heartbreakers. INT. Same old Chiefs.....

12:23 - Don't know why I never noticed it before, but Michael Turner in full-stride looks a lot like what I've always imagined a side of beef would look like if it could enter the Olympic hurdles.

'The Leg'. In shorts!

12:25 - 'They call him 'Greg The Leg' in St. Louis' - S. Hanson '...probably because they're drunk and good nicknames are challenging.' - Me.   Looks like Jake Locker is leaving the Titans game...HERE COMES MATT HASSELBECK, YOU DINKS!

12:27 - I swear the Falcons have been in the red zone for 13 plays now. The unyielding power of Panther Defense.

12:29 - Oh I see, they were waiting for Matty Ice to go Matty INT.

12:30 - Brutal fumble from Jamaal Charles, like at their own ten yard line. Norv the Waffle is gonna put some syrup on this....

12:32 - Jackie Battle, touchdown. The Bolts should just sell Mathews for parts.

12:34 - Seriously, who's James Casey? Did Owen Daniels get hurt again? Casey is in on every play. Also, I've seen two Mario Manningham highlights in the Niners game....MANNINGHAM!

12:36  - I've seen nothing but good from the Niners and ugly from the Jets thus far, yet the score is tied at nil-nil.....hang on, wait for it. Nope, still zip.

12:38 - Hey RedZone, I don't pay five bucks a month to watch chain measurements. Get somebody in the camera bay, stat.

12:39 - Colin Capeknocks with the QB sneak for Niners' TD. You had him in your flex, right? Right?

12:40 - Somebody named Givens just made a huge catch for the Rams....RODDY WHITE TOUCHDOWN!......anyway, I don't know who 'Givens' is, but he's faster than hell.

12:41 - Who puts a linebacker on Roddy White? This is why you're losing games, Carolina.

12:43 - Arian Foster, touchdown Texans. That dude really did deserve to be the #1 overall.

12:43 - Sam Bradford throws a pick. It's only a matter of time before Fisher punches him out on the sidelines, for the good of the game. MIKE CAREY SIGHTING!

12:45 - Never mind about my depression on Steve Smith....fumbles her away on an end-around reverse. You don't single-hand that ball around Dunta Robinson, son!

12:46 - Ronnie Brown sighting in the Bolts game!

12:47 - Intentional Grounding on Phil Rivers. A small tear sneaks out of the corner of his eye.

Still a classic.

12:48 - TIM TEBOW COMPLETION! And gets the third-string TE's knee completely shredded in the process. HAVE JESUS HEAL HIM, TIM!

12:49 - Steve Gostowski with another shank! That's how Vinatieri lost that gig, Steve, and then he went drunk-noodling in the canals of Indianapolis....so look forward to your future.

12:51 - Percy Harvin is a stat machine. Best 'Percy' ever in the NFL, I will hear no argument.

12:52 - Wow. Scott Hanson just dropped a 'for a guy who once looked like a superstar' on Chris Johnson. You're so bad, they're retroactively downgrading those three good years. That's suck.

12:56 - Dave Akers hooks it! But it's from 55 yards, so you get a mulligan, you old so-and-so. HUGE Dwayne Bowe catch negated by illegal formation....and the Rams pick off Russell Wilson, by stripping the ball mid-catch. Will probably be re-classified as a catch for Doug Baldwin, as he was near the play.

12:59 - GRONK FUMBLE! To touchdown Bills to Scott Chandler. Suck it, Gronk.

1:00 - DeAngelo Williams touchdown! So again, if you're listening to Mike Fabiano, you just got six points on your bench. POINTS!

1:02 - Steven Jackson is the Original Recipe Marshawn Lynch.

1:03 - How many effing receivers so the Rams have? Austin Pettis? Who? That's like seven I've counted so far....is Isaac Bruce still there? ANTONIO GATES MIDRANGE GAIN!

1:04 - GREATEST SHOW ON TURF MONTAGE!

1:05 - Titans on the board - Hasselbeck to Stevens! Useless to Fantasy!

1:06 - Another one....Brian Quick for the Rams! I've heard of him. Nick Novak in the ChargerAssaultAttack!

1:07 - Taking five, need to resupply.....but first, second Jamaal Charles fumble of the day! The Chiefs this year are as hapless as the Chiefs last year. GOSTOWSKI SHANKS ANOTHER ONE! Gonna be a new kicker in New England by Tuesday.

1:11 - Phil Rivers gives a pick back to the Chiefs. It's nice he's trying to keep things fair! Friendship.

1:13 - Lions had three shots in the red zone, settling for field goal. Brandon Pettigrew drops more crucial balls than Jermichael Finley.

1:16 - Rams call a fake field goal - Touchdown for Amendola! BUT THERE'S A FLAG.

1:16 - TOUCHDOWN STANDS. That's what you get when Mike Carey runs the show.

1:17 - Holy crap. Jamaal Charles just hauled off a run that I can imagine only Barry Sanders could have pulled off. That's how you make up for two fumbles....Chiefs finally on the board.

1:17 - Part Two - SANCHO FUMBLEZ! Niners' ball.

1:18 - Bills up 14 to 7, second Chandler score, set up by a Fred Jackson sideline grab. The Bills shall not be denied.

1:20 - Another Roddy White 6! Bad day to have Julio in there...well, so far. There's a lot of scoring left to be registered in this game.

1:21 - WELKA FUMBA! Bills with a chance to go up by two scores.....

1:24 - Close enough to halftime - actually taking that break I was talking about before - but not before the Bills fumble on the goal line! Pats ball, Spiller fumbling.

'Unneccesary Adorable, Fifteen yards. First Down!'

1:36 - Slight delay-of-game....need to give a bath to one of the children. THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN TO BILL SIMMONS! Does it?

1:41 - Huge scoring punt return for the Vikes! Some dude I don't know! Also, Matt Cassell with another pick...that's the fifth turnover for the Chiefs. Argh.

1:42 - Pete Carroll starts the half with an onside kick...recovered by the Rams. Know why, Pete? BECAUSE GOD HATES CHEATERS.

1:42 Pt. Dos - Patrick Willis, INT on Sanchez. JETS FOOTBALL!

1:44 - The Leg just cranked in a 60 yard FG. Between Walsh and him, the kicking game has changed forever. Forever, you hear? Because they're all going Seabass style.
http://www.thefantasyfootballguys.com/forum/index.php
1:45 - On the other side of the age spectrum, Dave Akers just shanked a 40 yarder. Youth in revolt.

1:49 - Fred Jackson looks plenty healthy - nice solid run there. HUGE CATCH AND RUN FOR DONALD JONES! Touchdown Bills....up by two snee-snees. (© Lyle Konkiel, The Fantasy Football Guys, 2009)

1:53 - Michael Turner ain't dead yet - 60 yard truck to the end zone. Panthers' year is over already.

Musburger: The Early Years

1:54 - I miss Brent Musburger.

1:55 - Daniel Manning just picked off Hasselbeck and went somewhere between 50 and 700 yards for a Texans touchdown. Matt In The Saddle Again.

2:02 - Danny Woodhead. Still Alive. Six for the Patriots. Woodhead to promptly return to the mist where he's been residing for two seasons.

2:04 - Of course Ryan Grant is inactive for the Redskins. Because my dynasty team, which has the worst RBs in the history of fantasy, actually needed him. Thanks again Jahvid Best and James Starks!

2:05 - Cam Newton taking the game into his own hands again! This time, luckily avoiding a knee injury.....followed by a Newton touchdown. That guy is starting to look like a total a-hole. Nice TD dance. Also nice that you blow off your teammates in favor of the dance. FRANK GORE! Remember when all those guys at your draft said he was done?

2:07 - At least these Chiefs don't give up...Cassell to Charles to Endzone. Why did I draft Dwayne Bowe? He's still there, right?

2:08 - Mikel LeShoure; big run for a fumble! Didn't take long for him to fit in o the Detroit scheme.

2:09 - It's Welker time. Always going to Wes when the chips are down....Packers now using Driver like that, but not as often. Ignore them until you actually need to succeed.

2:12 - Owen Daniels is apparently playing. Just steamrolled his way for another Texans....HOLY SH*T, TOM BRADY JUST QB KEEPERED THAT THING FOR SIX. Or close enough. I haven't looked outside, is the sun still there?

2:14 - Looking at them next to each other on the bench, I think Brady wishes Gronk were dead.

The Gentler Side of Chad Greenway

2:22 - Positives: my legs have not fallen asleep thus far, and I have not spilled Broccoli-Cheese soup on the bed yet. Negatives: Calvin Johnson just got knocked-out head-to-head by Chad Greenway.

2:25 - Stevan Ridley is finally fulfilling all the promise and potential the Patriots saw when they drafted Laurence Maroney.

2:26 - BREAKING: I make terrific soup.

2:28 - GRONKDOWN! If he ever stops doing that, Brady is going to have him disappeared.

2:29 - Mike Turner just threw a roundhouse at the end of a long run. I like that.

2:33 - Rams need to finish stronger....with only a six point lead, and six minutes left, there's plenty of ways for the Seahawks to win. Not as many as last week, granted, but still plenty.

2:34 - Spiller might have gotten hurt again, then Fred Jackson fumbled. You made a good try at this Buffalo, you made a good try.

2:35 - Hasselbeck. Fumble. Texans Ball. Please end this. Hasselbeck's a good guy.

2:37 - Who's Brandon Bolden? (sp?) Seems like he's taken Shane Vereen's proposed carries.

2:38 - Jets are gonna get shut-out. Better get a third quarterback - Vince Young seems like he'd fit into that calliope of messy pretty nice.

2:39 - Bills went from up by 14 to down by 14 in a relatively short amount of time. WHY DIDN'T I INVEST IN THAT BUFFALO LIQUOR STORE WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE?

2:41 - The Detroit Lions score on a QB sneak. Great for them, but when planning long-term, how about never having Stafford voluntarily contact the defense, ever. For review, he breaks easy.

2:43 - Can we agree that Bianca Wilfork never needs to be on television again?

2:44 - The Panthers are beating the Flacons. And Ryan Fitzpatrick just threw his second pick to Devin McCourty, whom I was misinformed was a country singer. Jesus H....Hasselbeck just threw another interception for a 63 yard return. Call it.

2:46 - The Bills defense is broken. I thought Mario Williams was supposed to fix all that. That Bolden guy just barrel-rolled into the endzone, and he looks like he weighs a buck-ten. Jackie Battle with another touchdown. Eff Ryan Mathews. Kendall Hunter score for the Niners. WHY IS THIS ALL HAPPENING AT ONCE?!?!?

2:48 - RARE TRI-SCREEN!

2:52 - One point game in Atlanta, like we all expected.

2:55 - I'm confused, Jerome Simpson just caught a ball and did not hurdle or flip over any defenders. What did you do to my Jerome Simpson, NFL?

Bassist. Gamer. Civil Rights Activist. Punter. Badass.

2:56 - KLUWE! Beautiful punt, about the one yard line, and Scott Hanson refs World of Warcraft: Mists of Pandaria. I don't think that should happen. Also, Rams pick-off = Rams win. Too bad Seattle, couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of guys.

2:58 - Stafford just fumbled away the Lions' chances...probably. Reviewing, but I have faith in our regular crew here.

3:00 - Charles Johnson just pasted Matt Ryan. If they don't eff this up, the Panthers are going to win this one.

3:02 - Mists of Pandaria? Really? How is Dreamworks not suing Blizzard's collective ass? Sorry, it's been on my chest.

3:03 - Fumbled reversed - the Lions aren't dead yet.

3:03 Pt. 2 - Never mind, Stafford sacked, Vikings win....the juggernaut will not be denied.

3:07 - QUAD BOX! Second set of games a-startin!

3:08 - I'm a Packer fan, we know that...wait, Brandon Lloyd with a garbage TD.....anyway, that said, ONLY Packer fans would shell out money for a Worst Call Ever shirt with the date on it. Let it go.

3:10 - Uh oh...Arthur Blank is now coming down to the field at the end of games? But that's Jerry Jones' territory.....wait, if Blank is now Jones, then Jones is....JONES IS THE NEW AL DAVIS!

3:11 - Peyton Manning to Brandon Stokely. Seems Like Old Times.

3:12 - Every single replacement referee sitting at home right now is happy as hell they aren't working the Atlanta/Carolina game.

3:13 - Tamme gets a first down, and another 'Tamme and Manning did that a lot in Indianapolis' - NO THEY DIDN'T. ONE PARTIAL SEASON. THAT'S IT. Also, 'touchdown Broncos', to Joel Dreesen.

3:15 - Andy Dalton getting right to it, throwing a pick...but Jags football demands parity! Fumbled right back to Cincy on the return.

3:16 - Terrific special teams play by Carolina - punt downed at Atlanta's one.....

3:17 - Roddy White just grabbed a 60 plus harder. Falcons still in this.....

3:19 - Mike Smith looks like a guy who would like me to sell insurance for him. Also, Falcons in FG range....this is insane.

3:20 - The Panthers have taken the interesting choice of 'not playing defense' on this series. Going to cost them the game.....and we're icing the kicker, because that works.

3:23 - AND, the Panthers lose. Don't challenge Matt Bryant when death is on the line.

3:24 - Sebastian Janikowski with a 38 yard FG. Didn't even have to put out his smoke.

3:28 - Packers go three and out. They've got the Saints right where they want them. This one's in the bag.

3:30 - So Aldrick Robinson and Brandon Meriweather from the Redskins collided with each other two hours before game time and knocked each other out of the game. Not a good start to the day, Skins' faithful.

3:35 - Rodgers is growing a beard. And that's when the wins start to come. Jordy Nelson looks like he's remembering how to run after the catch.

'HANDS'

3:36 - Finley. End zone. Drop.

3:37 - James Jones. End zone. Touchdown.

3:39 - Marcedes Lewis - Jags touchdown, and one hell of a catch. If that guy was on an NFL team, he'd really be something special.

3:42 - Miami tearing up the Arizona defense, as per expected. HUH?

3:44 - Alas, all for but three points.

3:48 - Pack defense has gone back to '11 Style. COVER THE TIGHT END. ESPECIALLY THIS ONE.

3:50 - Brees to Colston for six.....GB might want to get away from the zone. Also, Colston pushed off, and since that wasn't called, it didn't take long for the regular refs to become the old a-holes they used to be. Hope you enjoyed that four days of appreciation, guys!

3:56 - Demaryius Thomas just almost had a terrific run-and-catch for a score, which he opted to switch up by dropping and kicking the ball to Oakland. Also, fake punt for Bengals, which worked great on account of Jags.

3:59 - Credit where due: Finley just had a great catch and run. AND PIERRE GARCON FOR A TOUCHDOWN! Welcome back Pierre! More of that, 'Skins...my fantasy teams need you.

4:03 - So I never noticed before that the Tampa Stadium is built to look like a wharf, then? The hot dog guys should be dressed as longshoremen then.

4:06 - Rodgers to Jennings.....this game may eclipse the 200 mark for combined points. The fierce Miami defense is destroying Arizona, like we said they wo----what?

4:13 - Brian Hartline is on your waiver wire. You should pick him up. Tanne likes him a lot.

4:16 - Whatever that 'put a pin on that guy' graphic thing is that Fox is doing this year needs to not happen anymore.

JORVORSKI!

4:17 - Two weeks of Javorski Lane scoring touchdowns. The Javorski Express is non-stop.

4:18 - JORVORSKI. Good god, I've been spelling that wrong for a week.

4:19 - Andy Dalton, QB sneakdown.....The Red Rocket is on fire! (Obligatory Pun Insertion Complete)

4:24 - Tyler Perry is in an action movie? You know what? Awesome.

4:25 - Miami goes to half with the shutout on the Cards. Yes, I understand what I just wrote...RG3 RUNS ONE IN!

4:27 - Trick play John Kuhn! Green Bay is all full of the trickeroos this year.....followed by Holding on the Saints. If logic follows, the next play should be Roman Harper with a late hit to Rodgers' head.

4:30 - Cedric Benson is a bull. Malcolm Jenkins with the face mask...I must be early on the Harper play, but it's coming.

4:34 - James Jones with a second touchdown. Yeah, they should have dealt him in the offseason.....

4:37 - Good god Alfred Morris doesn't want to lose that gig. About 45 yards for 6.....Roy Helu will be available in the offseason, kids.

4:38 - Wait, I was wrong about Garcon, apparently he recovered a fumble in the end zone, so for fantasy purposes, I have no idea what that means....because in three different leagues, I've got three different answers.

4:45 - Brian Hartline is on pace for 290 receiving yards on your waiver wire.

4:47 - After a terrific Bengals drive that was all AJ Green being awesome, Benjarvus just fumbled it on the one and now the Jags have it....TOUCHDOWN SAINTS! Sproles.....this game is going to be awesome until the end.

4:48 - Peyton Manning. Eric Decker. Denver Peyton's are pulling away....

4:55 - Larry Fitz gets his, no matter who the quarterback is. Now more than ever.

4:58 - If Oakland and Kansas City had a 'who's more half-assed' contest, I'd bet it'd be a tie. TOUCHDOWN MCGAHEE!

5:00 - If it's 5pm somewhere, it's Sav Rocca time! Holding for Cundiff....who just doesn't have enough leg strength......oh Billy, there's still more stops to make on your NFL voyage, son!

5:03 - WHY IS MARV ALBERT ON THE BENGALS/JAGS GAME?

5:08 - Every Ryan Fitzpatrick stat line looks like they combined two quarterbacks' stats inadvertently.

5:11 - Lance Ball, touchdown Broncos...game over. Darren McFadden deserves to be on an NFL team.

5:13 - WOW. Packers just got effed on another challenge call. Jeff Triplette better have brought a bodyguard, he's not getting to his hotel any other way.

5:17 - AJ Green, touchdown, and the Bengals aren't losing this week....

5:20 - It's that time, kids....I gotta put my energies into this Packers game, since we're now lining up 13 guys on kick blocks. Thanks for joining me, and we'll see you next week!


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