'Hey kids, now go into your mother's purse and get out a 20...'
After a week wandering in the desolate wasteland, we've returned. And by 'we', I mean 'I'. And by 'desolate wasteland', I mean 'Walmart'.
You know the drill - Scott Hanson hosts the NFL Network's RedZone channel, and it's football sugar overload. I come here and pull out some observations that might just slip by, but mostly take any opportunity to critique announcing teams' hair choices.
It kicks off at noon....enjoy the ride.
11:35 - Pregame. Two observations - 1) Now confident that Warren Sapp maintains his employment at NFLNetwork solely because he makes Michael Irvin look like Football Einstein by comparison. 2) Nobody delivers nachos, or even tacos in this area. What the hell?
11:42 - Warren just called Andy Dalton 'The Red Rifle'. I like that. Point: Sapp.....however, he's done this whilst wearing an Irvin-cut sport coat. You're not fooling me.
11:59 - And this is another good argument for having older step-children. Taco/Nacho situation is being handled, crisis averted.
12:00 - While the RedZone intro video is certainly stolen from 'Tron 2.0', I should be thankful it doesn't feature Cee Lo, or Faith Hill, or Green Day, or the ghost of what was once Paul McCartney.
12:02 - BATTLE OF OHIO! Game of the year. Love this one....oh, and Andrew Luck is preparing to show Mark Sanchez what a first-round quarterback plays like.
12:05 - Falcons start off with the ball to begin the first of what is sure to be a dozen scoring drives. RAIDERS!
12:06 - Interception, Oakland Raiders. And this is where it starts falling apart, Matty Cripes.
12:07 - Daryl Richardson broke out a 44 yard run against the Dolphins. Thanks for the effort all those years we sucked, SJax!
12:08 - The LEG! Rams up by three. Also, just to compare, Andrew Luck is working with Donnie Avery and having success. How does that feel Sancho? McFadden fumbled the ball back to the ATL. D-Mac knows how to maintain parity.
12:10 - Future convicted felon Cliff Avril just brought down DeSean Jackson for a huge loss on an Eagles trick play. Good call, Reid, but I'd start with just 'completing passes'....Matt Bryant misses a field goal, the Raiders are still in this.
Wheeden chose a new agent during contract negotiations.
12:12 - Wheeden picked on his birthday basically at the line of scrimmage. That's not how you treat a senior citizen, Cincy....deplorable.
12:16 - Jermaine Gresham with a 55 yard catch and score! Gresham has all the potential to be Jermichael Finley, if Jermichael Finley had been born with arms.
12:17 - DOUBLE BOX! - Oak/Atl and Ind/NYJ. Yeesh.
12:20 - Vick Ballard looks like he has the eye for the outside lane and shifty feet of a young Mike Alstott.
12:22 - Luck just totally Sanchezed that end-zone throw to Fleener. KC just turned the ball over back to Tampa. Game may end with a negative score.
12:23 - Legomatic! They better start watching Greg Zuelein's reps, gotta make it to the end of the season.
12:24 - HOLY CRAP! A DEZ BRYANT CATCH!
12:25 - Matt Ryan with his second pick. Raider Nation wins another battle.
12:26 - I told you DeMarco Murray would be able to run on the Ravens (and he had a 30 yard scamper earlier). What I neglected to mention was that Felix Jones would be unleashed as well.
12:27 - Nachos are here. I'm gonna need a minute.
12:29 - Darius Heyward-Bey is ridiculously tough....great end-around reverse.....you know how good Calvin Johnson is? The Lions have absolutely nothing else going on, and they still can't stop him. TEBOW IN THE JETS GAME! For a three yard gain. Stupid.
12:30 - Felix Jones TD on the review.
12:34 - Antonio Cromartie in on the Jets' offense. They'll try anything to fail spectacularly.
12:39 - Whilst I was getting tacos, Mark Sanchez threw a touchdown, and LeDarius Webb had his knee blow-out on him....and the Ravens' D continues it's downward fortunes.
12:40 - Brandon Wheeden just dropped a 60 plus yard TD on the Bengals via Josh Gordon. Mohammed Massaquoi might as well not even rehab.
12:43 - Mike Vick fumble. Recovers. But I'm gonna say now that it'll be weird seeing somebody other than Andy Reid on the sidelines next year.
12:45 - Roddy White for 6....that hope you had sure was intoxicating for a minute, wasn't it Oak....Eagles' center now fumbles, and he makes sure the Lions get it, Follow-through, Mike, follow-through.
12:48 - Shonn Greene actually looks like a running back today....Jets up 14 to 3 after a Luck pick off Wayne's hand to Cromartie.
12:49 - Beautiful bomb over-the-shoulder-where-nobody-else-could-get-it strike from Matt Stafford to the Eagles Nnamdi Asomugha.
12:55 - The Leg is mortal - shanks one, finally.
1:01 - Two interception returns for scores for Antonio Cromartie. Both denied for penalties. In the Ravens/Boys game, Haloti Ngata went to the locker room, RAY RICE TOUCHDOWN!
1:03 - 'Marlon Moore' just caught an endzone strike from Ryan Tannehill. Maybe they said 'Marvin'. I don't know, probably not gonna hear that name again.
1:04 - Maybe they said 'Mormon'? No, that doesn't sound right.
1:06 - Third Raider pick of Matt Ryan. THE WHEELS ARE COMING OFF, SMITH.
1:08 - I don't know there's a worse-looking team with a winning record than the Eagles....Vick Pick to Louis Delmas.
The Original Red Rifle. Wait, is Carson Palmer
related to Adam Corolla? How did I miss that?
1:09 - Denarius Moore with a terrific run after the catch for 6, Raiders are beating the Falcons soundly. Carson Palmer is as good as his receivers decide he's going to be.
1:11 - Touchdown AJ Green, the Battle for Ohio is catching fire like the Cuyahoga River.
1:13 - Tony Romo pick! Took until the second quarter, but finally Tony comes through! I think it might have been trapped, but I'm not looking that closely.
1:16 - The amount of success the Chiefs have had this year in winning games seems to be directly related to how many times a game I hear Dexter McCluster is targeted. A lot today, bodes poorly.
1:16 - A Jets linebacker just caught a fake punt or something from Tebow for a first down, hard to tell what exactly was going on there. Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow. Tebow.
1:18 - Where were these Colts last week against Green Bay?
1:22 - Jason Hill with another Jets touchdown - isn't that the guy they signed last week? AND THE COLTS SHUT DOWN JORDY NELSON?!?!?
1:23 - And there's your Torrey Smith touchdown of the week, combined with a Morris Claiborne injury...Smith pushed off on Claiborne, and Claiborne got called for it. REAL REFS!
1:25 - 'They need LeSean McCoy to take this ball into the endzone and get that ball out of Michael Vick's hands'. Wow. Also, LeSean did just that.
1:37 - Not much going on, it's hovering around the halftime mark for most of these games....
This is the second image that comes
up when you image search 'Weeden'
1:38 - Turns out I've been spelling 'Weeden' wrong for six weeks. But nobody noticed. Go Browns.
1:42 - Whatever the opposite of the word 'lithe' is, it's got to have a picture of Andy Dalton next to it. Runs like Tom Brady.
1:45 - Vincent Jackson score on the throw from 'Meh'. Buccaneers pulling away. Nobody cares.
1:46 - I've now seen Dez Bryant catch four balls today. I think Irvin suited up today.....Jason Hanson just said 'Jason Witten beating Ed Reed on that' as if it were surprising.
1:52 - Jacoby Jones sighting - 108 yard return for a touchdown. Cowboys are in trouble this year.
1:58 - CARSON PALMER! Keeping the Falcons in the game with the clutch fumble.
1:59 - I see. Dez Bryant plays well on the weeks I bench him. Very good then.
2:08 - Dez Bryant touchdown. Dink.
2:12 - 2 touchdown day for Shonn Greene. SELL HIGH.
2:18 - LeSean McCoy is hurt....Montario Hardesty is stopped at the one.....Running Back Mayhem.
2:21 - Hardesty finally hammers in - WHY ISN'T THAT RICHARDSON?
2:25 - The most clusterf***ed play you're going to see this year just happened on a punt attempt by the Buccaneers....I don't even know what to say other than, 'congrats Chiefs, that was your Super Bowl!'
2:27 - Pass Interference on Brent Celek negating his own touchdown....more impressive as he didn't commit pass interference.
2:28 - The negative: Vick got sacked on 3 and goal. The positive: somehow he did not fumble.
2:29 - Philip Tanner running for the Cowboys. DeMarco out with a sad foot or something.
2:29 - And now some guy named 'Dunbar'. Waiver wire is heating up out there...
2:31 - Wrapping up early this week....low numbers, but more importantly, I've got to iron a shirt, and that's going to take some time. Thanks for joining, we'll see about next week.....
Howdy do! Welcome back to this cavalcade of questionable recommendations, we're glad you're here! As we've now got a firm five weeks under our belts, two things are clear: a) The Green Bay Packers aren't very good anymore, and b) God hates my fantasy football teams.
Got it? Good! Let's pull it out of the oven and eat it before it cools!
That Happened On Thursday: You wanna know how I know the Steelers aren't as good as we are always assuming? They lost to the Titans. And from this, I now know that I am not to trust these clowns. Except Mike Wallace, him I still run without questioning the decision, but the rest of these dudes are a wavery stomach for the forseeable future. And that said, I still don't like ANY of the Titans going forward....but we'll cover that next week.
This Week In Footballs:
Raiders @ Falcons - You're kidding me, right?
Raiders Starts: You're playing McFadden if you got him, unless you're in some ridiculous 6 or 8 team league, which means you probably shouldn't even participate in this hobby, and instead dedicate your time to writing NFL Fan Fiction, where your awesomest-ever Tampa Bay Buccaneers team just won their ninth Super Bowl, beating the New England Patriots 114 to 11 after Aaron Rodgers threw a screen pass to 1996 Brett Favre who threw the ball 110 yards to Derrick Brooks who's now an awesome receiver. Raider Screws: Wouldn't touch another Raider. Except Seabass, but you know how I feel about Seabass.
Falcon Starts: Yes. Falcon Screw: No. Unless you really think Jacquizz Rodgers is a good idea, because he isn't.
YAY! FALCONS GO 6-0! Which will make going one-and-out in the playoffs so much better.
Cowboys @ Baltimore - The common sense choice leans towards putting too much emphasis on 'Cowboy Implosion 2012!', and not enough on the fact that for half of their games so far, they're totally great. Also, I love the Ravens, a lot, but their defense kinda looks like Ray Lewis retired last year, and has given Terrell Suggs a terrific renegotiation tool.
I found this, it's somebody else's. Go watch the YouTube vid.
'Boys Starts: I'm all in on Tony this week, and Miles, and DeMarco for that matter. Still don't have a lot of trust in Dez Bryant's ability to recognize basic hand functions, but he can't have a terminal case of the Finleys, can he? Also, I start their D. Boys Screw: Yeah, thinking about it, I'm probably skipping on Dez this week.....unless he's a flex.
Ravens Start: Ray Rice and Torrey Smith. Ravens Screw: Joe Flacco, Dennis Pitta and the Defense - Did you realize that Dallas has the top passing defense in the league this year? BECAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN THE MATRIX. You aren't running Anquan out there anymore, so it barely needs a mention, but I don't like any of these dudes this week.
ROMOCOASTER IS BACK ON THE UP! Cowboys win, and somehow do it by finishing a game.
Bengals @ Browns - This is going to sound like I'm lying to you, but I'm not, I swear...this matchup is one of my favorite games every year, because it's always 'don't look around that guy's basement' insane, no matter what....like a Bears/Packers game, all bets are off. It doesn't matter if the Bengals are fighting for third place in the division, or the Browns are fighting for fourth; this is guaranteed tremendous football.
Bengal Starts: Red Rider, Legal Advisors and Insecticon. Bengal Screw: I know the Browns still have a horrible defense, but after two weeks of excitement, Andrew Hawkins has blended back into the scenery, so 'no thanks' to you, tiny little scrapper.
Brown Starts: Trent is a gimme. Now, here's where it's going to become clear I've taken the wrong prescription: If your regular guy is on the bye, I'm all behind a one-week run of Brandon Wheeden. I know what I just typed, shut your hole. And for that matter, I'm big on riding the lighting and taking a chance on Josh Gordon in a WR3 or Flex position. Browns Screw: Can't trust Greg Little, and I repeat, that Wheeden call is for extreme circumstances only.
Haden's Return Disrupts AJ Enough To Give CLE The Win, and Majority Vote in the House.
This One's For You, Dwain Weddall!
Rams @ Dolphins -Wait,Rams versus Fins is one of the best match-ups of the week? GIVE ME BACK MY MIND!
Rams Starts: This is gonna sound odd, considering what I'm gonna say four or five sentences from now, but 'nobody'. Not a one Ram shalt I start upon my fantasy roster. Ram Screws: Common logic takes the previous sentence and answers this for you.
Dolphin Starts: Reggie Bush, Hartline in a flex situation. Dolphin Screws: Don't like the defense this week, don't know any of the other receivers....is Davone Bess still there?
The Sum-Of-Their Parts St. Louis Rams Fall Short and Lose On the Road.
Colts @ Jets - Wow, five weeks ago I couldn't have conceived of the following words in the order which I am presenting them: The Jets are coming into this game completely outmatched against the surging Indianapolis Colts.
Colt Starts: Andrew Luck has terrific stats, and you should now start thinking about playing him.....Reggie Wayne is a war machine. Colt Sits: As crap as the Jets really are, I still wouldn't put Vick Ballard in there unless your other RB options are 'a dead guy' and 'cargo pants'.
Jets Starts: Nope.
The Colts will MANHANDLE the Jets, Yet Somehow, Someway, Sanchez Will Still Start Next Week
Lions @ Eagles -Two squads which came into the season with high expectations, and yet are both somehow winning games, sorta. This could lead to something super-exciting to watch, or a seven fumble, nine interception affront to the soul of the game itself.
Lion Starts: Staffy, Meggie....and that's where that sentence ends, again. Lion Screws: Not touching that running game, nor that D, nor any of the extra receivers. Same old Lions.
Eagle Starts: Shady's the only lock, but chances are strong with bye weeks that if you've got DeSean or Vick, you're rolling them....however, if you've got anything close, I'd sit Vick until he stops looking like 'Old Mike Vick from Atlanta who can't pass none'. I know Maclin's been under-performing and crutched-up, but I still like him against the Detroit Secondary. Quiz: NAME A MEMBER OF THE DETROIT SECONDARY. There you go.... Eagle Screw: Again, I really don't like Mike Vick if you're not trapped in his web.
'Hey Coach? Um, nobody gave me a helmet yet....'
Chiefs @ Bucs -This shouldn't be televised under human rights laws. One team is totally underperforming, and the other one is the Chiefs.
Game Starts: Jamaal Charles, Dwayne Bowe, Vincent Jackson. Game Screws: Other participants, fans of professional football, Matt Cassell's career.
Um....The Chiefs Win, Cool? I mean, they've got to at some point, why not with Brady Quinn?
Bills @ Cardinals - SuperCardinals D is Average. Bills D is horrifying. Kevin Kolb v. Ryan Fitzpatrick; there was a day not too long ago when I imagined I would only see this showdown in a season preview for the UFL, how fortunate that fate has brought us this magical blessing two years early.
Bill Starts: Uh...you got other guys, right? I guess Steve Johnson. Coin-flip on Spiller and Jackson which has quickly devolved into one of the worst time shares for fantasy since Carolina started paying millions of dollars for guys to distract in the flat to open up lanes for Cam. Bills Screw: I'd prefer you play none of them, if I'm being a caring nurturer, but it's your life.
Card Starts: Fitz, Roberts and Kolb - should be a banner goddamned week for the Cards passing game. Cards Screw: That Will Powell guy, or LaRod, or Alphonso, or whoever isn't running the ball this week for AZ.
Cardinals Radio Landslide Victory!
Patriots @ Seabirds - Here's the thing: I hate both of these teams, deeply. On the Patriots side, that's a long-lasting thing; for Seattle, well, you know why. So if it's possible for both teams to lose, then I'm all for it.
Pats Starts: I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS. Pats Screws: Six weeks in; six weeks of 'don't play Brandon Lloyd'. I haven't failed you with this yet.....also, don't really like Ridley or Bolden or Vereen or any of their RBs.
Seahawk Start: Marshawn Lynch, duh. Hawk Screw: All the rest....I feel bad for Sidney Rice, he really looked like he was gonna be something before he signed a contract with the Black Hole of Receivers.
Pats Remind Pete Carroll of His Place Via A Sound Beating, Followed By Double B Giving Him An Onfield Noogie.
Giants @ Niners - Flip a coin! This is a big game on both sides, and both squads are gearing up....
Game Starts: Anybody important. Game Screw: Ahmad Bradshaw, who will follow up last week's crazy stats with under forty yards.
Niners Win Because Angry Defense is Angry.
Vikes @ 'Skins - Game of the week? MAYBE. My belief is it's certainly going to be the most entertaining.
Vikes Starts: All the starters - and that includes Jerome Simpson as a WR2. The Redskins are only worse at the pass than the Buccaneers (holy crap, maybe that Brady Quinn thing isn't a bad idea...)
Skin Starts: RG3, Alfred Morris....and for one final week, Pierre Garcon (don't fail me again, Pierre). Skin Sits: Hate Fred Davis in this, not sure why....the whole receiving corps is getting dangerously close to 'Saints-level', with nobody standing out consistently....yet not as soul-damning as the Seattle corps.
Redskins Win a Close One At Home - On the Final Series.
Packers @ Texans - Game of the week? Doubt it.
Suck it up, it's not 2009 anymore, Number 12.
Packer Starts: You're playing Rodgers if you have him. James Jones is turning out pretty good for a waiver pickup, huh? Packers Screw: Jordy, Finley, Three-Headed, Two-Yard Running Committee, The Defense, if they field one this week.
Texan Starts: One of two things is going to happen: The Packers' run D shows up, leaving Andre Johnson, Owen Daniels and Matt Schaub open for three scores - or their secondary shows up instead, allowing Arian to rumble for 115 and two sixers. I'd bet on both. Also, their D should be good for 7 sacks. Texan Screw: Don't play Tate. Just don't.
The Homer in Me Wants To Call The Upset; The Realist Wins, and The Packers' Season Is Over. BUT WHAT IF IT ISN'T? WHAT IF IT ISN'T?!?
Broncos @ Chargers - LOVE THIS MONDAY NIGHT GAME!
Game Starts: EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THE PASSING GAME ON BOTH SIDES. Game Screws: Except Jacob Tamme....and Antonio Gates. Also, eff the running backs. Eff 'em all.
Broncos Win A Big One In a Shootout That MNF Hasn't Seen Since Lynn Dickey.
Buttonhook on three! Now go follow @AmazingMattyP on the Twitter. He's nice person.
In fact, follow all the ReclinerQB crew - they know things, things you can't imagine -
Frump. Three losses and a "does not apply" for The West last week. Only the Chargers put up a struggle Sunday, unless you count Carson Palmer trying to open his pizza rolls.
He went 17/40 with 3 fumbles that rolled under the couch
We've got our first divisional power-showdown this week... Broncos at Chargers on Monday night! Five weeks in and these teams are still hard to peg. At last we'll get to see which side of mediocrity they fall on.
Denver's defense is indefensible
Woe unto this defense. The game was advertised as "Brady vs Manning" but played out as "Brady vs Shit, Who Was Supposed To Cover Welker?"...
...again
New England put up four drives of at least 12 plays. The middle third of this game was a continuous Patriots highlight reel, my favorite being Woodhead's 20 yard run on 3rd and 17.
Denver has 2 INTs and 2 fumble recoveries on the season, 25th and 21st in the league. A defense that can't force turnovers puts lots of pressure on the offense to keep pace, and they sure didn't against NE with those 3 lost fumbles. If the defense can't be productive, and the offense can't be perfect, then all the 300 yard days in the world won't get the Denver Mannings to a better record than the Denver Tebows.
San Diego is officially respectable
The Saints game was not the catastrophe my cold, black heart was longing for. The Chargers were one untimely roughing the passer call (and another iffy pass interference call) away from burying New Orleans. They played above average football against an opponent that was doing the same. As a reward they get a loss, but also a week of my reluctant, fickle respect.
You did... OK. I guess.
On the unsarcastic upside... Ryan Matthews! He looked great, with all his hands and feet and whatnot moving in the proper directions! He led the team in carries and receptions! Unless Norv Turner, Jackie Battle should no longer be a threat to Ryan's production. This is great for Charger fan(s) and fantasy owners alike! Finally... some common ground for you animals.
Oakland has found inner peace and the true meaning of life
After last Sunday's embarrassing loss to Denver, Oakland head coach Dennis Allen reminded his players that football was just a game, and true winners and losers cannot be determined by some scoreboard. He instructed everyone to take the bye week off and reflect on what's truly important.
And so they departed...
Michael Huff taught himself sign language so he could describe the beauty of music to students at the California School for the Deaf.
Carson Palmer single-handedly designed and constructed a new wing onto an Oakland area women's homeless shelter.
Shane Lechler donated six units of mostly his own blood to victims of the 2010 Haiti earthquake.
Darrius Heyward-Bey started eating solid foods again.
Based on the resounding success of his team's bye week projects, Dennis Allen is expected to submit forfeits for the remainder of Oakland's 2012 schedule. "We can do so much to make so many people happy... except for on the football field".
As for Allen himself, "Awareness is fine and all, but it's meaningless if you don't take action. The rest of the league can wear their token October Pink, but I'll be performing a triple mastectomy on that alien hooker from Total Recall."
Mars: plenty of breathable air... no ozone layer
Kansas City has enthusiastically charged through the bottom of the barrel
The Chiefs' shittiness at football is surpassed only by their fans' shittiness at humanity. Even the historically savage Philly crowd only cheers when opposing players get hurt. In case you missed it, yes, the home crowd cheered when Matt Cassel got knocked out in the 4th quarter on Sunday. Yes, the same home crowd that purchased a private plane to fly an anti-Cassel/Pioli banner over the stadium. Yes, the same home crowd that is apparently not familiar with Brady Quinn's body of work.
Dear Kansas City Chiefs fans... when you've got the Sarah Palin of backup quarterbacks, you don't cheer when the president is shot.
I can see my career 67.3 quarterback rating from my house!
For the love of Pete! You're BEGGING to see a man that wasn't good enough for the Browns! Here's the list of Cleveland's starters since they got rid of Quinn for being below their standards: Colt McCoy, Jake Delhomme, Seneca Wallace, Brandon Weeden. If Matt Cassel is out next week, you turds will get what you deserve.
On a related note... Matt Cassel interception watch 2012: He threw 2 before getting knocked out. One was behind Bowe, who tipped it up for an easy pick. The second one was right in Bowe's hands, who tipped it up for an easy pick. If KC would sign more WRs and less volleyball players, Cassel's QB Rating would be thirty points higher.
The Chiefs are visiting Tampa Bay this week, so look forward to getting slaughtered by another sub-par team. I'll be sure to cheer when you go down.
<p>Hey kids, we're taking a needed week off from the chaos that is Trapped In The RedZone.... Sorta necessary once a month... I'll be back next week, enjoy your NFL Sunday
However, I will be firing off the occasionally bon mot via Twitter, so join me there @AmazingMattyP.
One week back with the normal officiating crews and already we have world peace and an end to pestilence! No? Well at least we eliminated the questionable calls, like didn't happen in the Saints-Packers game. Hey Triplette, thanks for showing why they're pushing for a practice squad for the refs. Dink.
Looking ahead to this week, looks like a lot of mismatches, which I love for the fact that half of these games aren't going to follow the rules of physics, social order, or even the Brown-Little Handbook. Look at the lineup - including the Thursday game, even! Outside of Eagles/Steelers, every one of these seems like a terrific option for your Elimination Pool that guy in Shipping runs. I say to thee: proceed with much foreboding in your heart, young wagerer.
It's way too early for me to be upsies, and thank Gansesha for bye weeks to maintain my sanity - let's get to it!
Thursday Recap: Rams beat Cards - Let it be said: the Rams are going to cause problems for a lot of teams this years, it was just a matter of when they put it together, which was apparently 'this week'. Let it also be said that: Arizona really needs a 'running game', or more precisely a 'running back' with Brokie Wells, Larod Stephens-Figurine AND Ryan 'Ouchies' Williams all in various states of disrepair. That's what's gonna keep you guys out of contention kids....and with Ryan Grant finally off the market and everything! Paging Steve Slaton....you're not dead yet.
Dolphins @ Bengals - Bengals are 3 and 1, 'Fins are rolling in with an inverse equation....but the Dophins have moxy, kid! And also, a pretty decent running game, which the Bengals are not of the 'real good' against. Conversely, The Miami Oceanapes are goddang devastating against the run - perhaps because, based solely on the stats I'm looking at, they are playing with an eight-man defensive line and no secondary - 1st against the run and 30th against the pass?
Fins' Start: Reggie Bush, obviously...Daniel Thomas maybe, if you're in bye-week sitch, and maybe, just maybe, if you're in like, a 14 team Dynasty league and effing James Starks laid an egg for two years and Jahvid Best's head is stupid-fragile, and Ryan Williams sucks and you picked up goddamned Ryan Grant just to have a freaking warm body up there, I might use Javorskie Lane in a flex. No yards, but has two weeks of goal-line rumbles. Not that I know anybody in the aforementioned situation. Fins' Screw: Brian Hartline. I know, you used your top waiver position to get your shiny toy; now people know. More importantly, in a game where they can run, Miami needs to throw at him roughly 63 less times a game. Expect a let-down for this week...flex at best.
Bengals Start: You know the obvious one, now here's this: Andy Dalton is a must-start this week above a whole lot of guys - except for Rodge, Tom-Tom, Mattefffing Ryan and oddly enough 'Joe Flacco', he's the guy that should be in your captain's chait - and so is Andrew Hawkins at WR3 - hell, WR2 if you need him. And if you're in a bye-week for your TE, Gresham's a good fill-in. Bengal Screw: Benjarvus. He's not 'I'm gonna beat the best running defense' caliber. Sorry.
That 30th-ranked pass D is going to sink lower - Bengals Take It
A brief Google Image Search for 'Butt Nug' teaches us that Bruce Arians is
apparently a dirty hippie. Knowledge is Power!
Packers @ Colts - Was a little nervous here about the Packers looking past this to the Texans, especially after the bizarro last two weeks, but then interim Colts Chief-of-Staff Bruce Arians couldn't shut the f**k up. Did you realize you were talking out loud when you deemed Clay Matthews wasn't even worth whatever the hell a 'butt nug' is?
Packer Starts: I can't justifiably sit any of the key guys on this team - and that's probably the homer in me. Fantasy-wise, Jordy Nelson has been a bust, but it's only a matter of time - and James Jones, now thrust in a starting role, has responded, I like him in a WR2 role...Ced's a push, still, but I've been putting him in the RB2 slot the last couple weeks and the results are decent. Decent. .Packers Screw: I just don't trust Jermichael, and probably never will again - he's a risk/reward player in a position that should be stable on your team.
Colts Starts: It's still Reggie Wayne in a WR2 or 3 slot, and that's it. Colts Screw: There isn't anybody else consistently involved enough to be thinking about - Fleener, Avery, Hilton - average guys (right now) on a very average team.
Packers Trounce the Colts; Andrew Luck May Develop A Nervous Tick
Ravens @ Chiefs - Romeo Crennell makes Todd Haley look like an NFL head coach. Your head just exploded.
Ravens Start:All in. I SAID 'ALL IN'. Ravens Screw: Except for Boldin, who's mostly become very 'eh' since coming to Baltimore, despite their haplessness, the Chiefs D isn't the problem. And the D is in trouble....
Chief Start: Jamaal Charles, Bowe. Simple. Chief Screw:Though the Ravens blow against the pass like they're trying to earn money for nursing school without asking their a-hole parents, there's no reason to consider Jon Baldwin, or any of those other Chief 'aerial threats'.
Ravens Put Romeo on the Top of the 'Hot Seat' Rankings
Eagles @ Steelers - So you're telling me that the Eagles are 3-1, while the Steelers are 1-2? That doesn't sound right, not at all. Why must you build a castle of lies? Two equally above-par defenses sqauring off in a game that could conceivably end with a total score under two digits. But it won't.
With skins that are real!
Eagle Starts: Is Maclin playing again? Yes? No? Honestly, I don't like any of the Eagles (save for LeSean) this week. Definite Eagle Screw: Vick. One more horrifying performance, and maybe it is time to give Foles a shot.
Steeler Starts: I know what I said up there about a defensive battle, but don't listen to that guy, he's all loaded up on Tato Skins. I'm in on Wallace, Brown and Benny-bobo this week....they've got that 'fresh off the bye and ready to take this crazy world by storm' feel about them, that would have made a terrific situational comedy premise in 1977. Steeler Screw: This really isn't the optimal cooking temperature for Mendy to get himself back out on that field....
The Pittsburgh Steelers Are Going to Make the Eagles Look Like the Pittsburgh Pirates (They're still bad, right? I haven't watched baseball in twenty years, is Willie Stargell still there?)
Browns @ Giants - Hey, you know who else is sporting a 'reputation only' defense this year? The Giants. Oh, and their whole receiving crew is receiving worker's comp. Yeah, I know, 'it's the Browns' - but this year Cleveland's Egg-and-Four is different, they're figuring things out and scrapping.
Giant Starts: Eli Manning, who gets his regardless of his options, and Cruz, but nobody surprising. Giant Screw: Andre Brown is a better fit on this team, and more productive, but still sits behind perennial fantasy disappointment Ahmad Bradshaw....avoid these RBs at all costs if you can, until Coughlin changes his mind and will, which happens with about the same regularity as the appearnace of a Great Comet.
Browns Starts: Trent Richardson is absolutely a lock going forward. The yards will come, in the meantime he's their points and should be their focus. And I'm going with Greg Little in a WR3 or Flex this week. Browns Screw: I don't know any other Browns. I mean, besides the 57 year old quarterback.
REGARDLESS! Trap Week Victim Number One: The Giants, Who Won't Understand How The Browns Did It. Nor Will Any of the Rest of Us.
'Could I interest you in a term-life pol---oh, I'm sorry for calling you during din---sir, you don't even know my moth---I've got a---hello? Hello?'
Falcons @ Redskins - I hate the Falcons and I'm not exactly sure why....I mean, Julio and Roddy seem nice enough, and Turner gives it his all, but it's just, I don't know, they're so Mike Smithish, you know what I mean? That fella always reminds me of an insurance salesman who can't close the deal, and spends a lot of time thinking about his three ex-wives, and how his kids hate him, and about how there's just not enough rye whisky in the world tonight. Flip the page, and I LOVE ME SOME SKINS! This year's team has even made me forget Dan Snyder owns them, and that's worth nine Super Bowls!
Falcon Starts: Regrettably, I have to recommend Matt Ryan again this week, and now my fingers feel unclean. Receivers are locked-in, the Redskins are somehow worse than only one other team at stopping the pass game, which will probably factor in to this particular match-up. Oh, and that means Gonzo, too. Falcon Screw: Mike Turner - hey, thanks for the effort last week, but these guys are pretty good against you ground guys, plus we aren't going to call any runs anyway.
Skins Start: RG3 is a weekly go, I shouldn't need to mention that anymore, same for Al Morris who's in the Top Five. Didn't realize that, did you? And I play Garcon if he's in the game no matter what, but he's 'my guy'. Skins Sit: Fred Davis. Hate that match-up.
Nonetheless, Falcons Overlook This One Until Too Late, The Skins Sneak Out With a Unconventional Win, Whilst Atlanta Gets a Reminder of What Vick Was Supposed to Be. TRAP!
Seahawks @ Panthers - Here's another thing I didn't realize, but I guess it makes sense: Marshawn Lynch is the leading rusher in the NFL. Thank god for Roger Goodell's lenient stance towards OWIs, right, kids? Meanwhile, Carolina's combined $77.5 million dollars in extensions for DeAngelo and Stewart have rewarded their faithful with the 22nd most lethal attack in the league, and that's with Cam, since DeAng and Stew are 28th and 48th respectively. Better illustrated: DW is one spot above Ryan Williams and one BELOW Cam. J-Stew has locked in one slot ahead of Mark Ingram, and one below PEYTON FREAKING HILLIS. It's break-out-the-moonshine time, Carolina!
Seahawks Starts: All that said, Lynch is the only Seahawk I'd consider, the rest of that team has the shakiness of a meth addict on day 3 of rehab. Seahawks Screw: Now that we're playing actual games that count and whatnot, Russell Wilson doesn't look all that 'good', for lack of a better term. Matt Flynn will eventually start here, and the sooner the better to establish some pecking order in the current soup-kitchen-spicy receiving pile. And that's the right term, 'pile', because it's not a 'corps'. Somebody give Sidney Rice some help out there, for the love of Pete.
Panther Starts: It's hard to sit Steve Smith - SO DON'T. Panthers aren't all that slick against the pass, it's a great week for Double S....and Brandon LaFell in a WR3/Flex spot ain't the worst call. Panther Screw: Greg Olsen, because Greg Olsen. And those RBs....yuck.
TRAP THREE! Panthers Stick One To the Seahawks, and Cam Newton Jersey Sales Spike In WI.
Bears @ Jags - Sorry this year again, J-ville, but your unbeloved Jaguars are bad again. 'Bad' bad. This is not a trap game, this is a mercy kill. Move that franchise to Los Angeles already, Kahn. The Bears don't win this as much as they accept the terms of the surrender.
Bears Starts: Cutty! And Marshall! And Forte! And The D! And That's It! Bear Screws: Outside of Michael Bush, you can't possibly have another Bear on your roster, can you? I'd sit Bush, as this is the one week this year Cutler will get to put on an air show like a big kid quarterback!
Jag Starts: MJD Jag Offs: The rest.
Bears By 20, Easy. We May Even Get a Jason Campbell Appearance.
Titans @ Vikings - Chris Johnson IS BACK! All the way up to 25th in yards behind Shonn Greene! YAY! You're almost up to 'below-average'! Titans have a better shot at this game with the cagey Hasselbeck at the helm this week, but let's be honest, the Titans' season is already over...the Vikings are legitimately making it hard to catch in the NFC North.
Titans Starts: Pass. No, wait! Jared Cook. I like Jared Cook a LOT this week. Titan Sits: Use your mind, leave CJ1WK there on the bench where you put him, next to Britt and Washington.
Vike Starts: If it's you're bye week, Ponder's your dude, and then the other two usual suspects. Vike Sits: I know I'm all hyped up on Jerome Simpson, but I suppose it's best to wait until he works into things....so please sit him, so he can blow up in the three leagues I'm playing him in a flex because Kenny Britt is 'of the awfulness'.
Vikings Roll To 4-1 and Remain Tied for the Division Lead With Chicago.
Broncos @ Patriots - THE RIVALRY IS RENEWED! Or maybe 'not so much'. Remember a couple of weeks ago how mesmerizing it was that the Pats and Packers defenses turned things around so much? That didn't really last so long up near Boston.
Bronco Starts: Great week for Peyton, as unpredictable as he has been...and that bodes well for Demaryius and Decker in starting slots. In a pinch, I'd use Dreesen as a TE, but temper those expectations. Broncos Screw: Gonna be a bad week for Willis McGahee, which has been surprisingly rare thus far in the season.
Pat Starts: There's only two, can you guess which ones? Three if Hernandez suits up, but that's not happening. Pat Downs: Also a crudlicious week to count on Stevan Ridley to carry your fantasy team. And again, AVOID THE LLOYD.
TRAP 4 - Peyton Triumphant as He Rolls The Pats Like A Hobo Looking For Night Train Nickels.
Bills @ 49ers - Remember how the Vikings just walked all over the Mighty 49ers last week? That's why it's a horrifying week to be a Buffalo Bill. This is going to be 'sneak out of the room without waking anybody - LEAVE YOUR SHOES IF YOU HAVE TO' ugly.
Bills Starts: I would avoid any and all Bills this week, unless you're stuck and have to put Jackson or Spiller in, in which case, we wish you all the best. Bill Screws: The whole team. It's not their fault, they just pulled the 'Ripsaw' card out of the deck, luck of the draw. Especially not Fitz, who reacts to high-pressure games by going color blind.
Niner Starts: Vernon, Frank....Crabtree in a flex, maybe? THE DEFENSE Niner Screws: None of the other receivers really are sticking out....even the Crabtree pick is sort of a goodwill gesture.
49ers by Two Defensive Touchdowns and Then Some
Sonny made this, and it's so terrific, it deserves to be the first pic to appear in back-to-back posts
Chargers @ Saints - SHOOTOUT! And in the Dome, even....I like the stats potential in this showdown. Feels like it's just about time for that Chargers' meltdown we've been waiting for....
Charger Starts: Eff it, Jackie Battle. He's better than Mathews, even if he doesn't start. Phil, Malcolm and Gates. Charger Screws: Can Vincent Brown hurry up and get back already?
Saints Starts: All the people involved in the passing offense, should be a fantastic fantasy week for the the NO hands guys, and the arm as well. Saint Screw: Mark Ingram, who's blah.
TRAP 5! Saints Begin the Turnaround, and So Too Do the San Diego Chargers.
Texans @ Jets - Please.
Texans Start: Smoke'em if you got 'em! Jets Screwed. And We Now Return To Your Normally Scheduled ESPN 'Crapball' Night In America Broadcast. The Houston Texans Will Reward Your Years of Patience By Letting You Get A Full Night's Rest.
Buttonhook on three! Now go follow @AmazingMattyP on the Twitter. He's nice person.
In fact, follow all the ReclinerQB crew - they know things, things you can't imagine -
Every division in the AFC has a total of 7 wins. Maybe The West isn't such a boredom encrusted turd-can after all. They're just as good as everyone else, see? Equality! Parity! Conformity! You hear that, Chiefs? You're beautiful just the way you are!
... if you're a blind chick.
Denver is consistently inconsistent
No one crushes inferior opponents like the Broncos. No one withers in the face of superiority like the Broncos. The wins over Pittsburgh and Oakland are about as surprising as their losses to Atlanta and Houston. Here's a team that's performing right on par with their collective abilities on a week to week basis. Yet mysteriously, amid this stability, Peyton Manning's arm strength seems to be fluctuating wildly between noodly and cyborg. Look for Manning's muscular tissue to deteriorate into strands of beef jerky after losing to New England this weekend.
Draws 23.5 "blow to the helmet" calls per game. FACT.
Speaking of crushing inferior opponents...
San Diego is feasting on the dead
The three teams the Chargers have beaten average #27 on ESPN's power rankings. I don't mean to imply that they're bad, and I certainly don't mean to imply that they don't deserve to be leading the division.... but New Orleans is hosting them this weekend... and the 0-4 Saints are favored by 3 points over the 3-1 Chargers. Las Vegas does not screw around, and Las Vegas says that the San Diego Chargers are no better than the coachless, defenseless, winless New Orleans Saints. Good luck, guys.
TIMELY UPDATE! That line has just moved from 3 points to 4. Take a picture of this .750 winning percentage and lock it in a time capsule, Chargers. In 50 years you can crack it open and remember what hope was like.
Rivers Face 2062!
Oakland is... honestly I haven't been paying attention
Can you blame me? They've won between four and eight games for eight of the last nine seasons, and they're on that road again now. The Raiders are doing what the Raiders do. Ho hum. This is the boring kind of bad. I had high (low) expectations for Palmer, but he's merely awful, not comically atrocious. I guess Heyward-Bey getting his brain scrambled is something... but you can't laugh at that now like you could in the past.
"Scamp" doing his Darrius Heyward-Bey impersonation.
I'm bored.
Kansas City is contributing to this nation's high unemployment numbers
Sure, they're cashing checks, but that doesn't mean they're working! OH SNAP!
Matt Cassel threw three interceptions against San Diego last Sunday, but two of them hit KC receivers right in the hands. The failures of the team as a whole are unjustly piling up on poor Matt. All this does is trick casual observers into believing Cassel is the only problem on this all around horrendous team... but not Sam Mellinger of the Kansas City Star. He's finished with Cassel and everyone who supports him.
"Because this is beyond hope, beyond excuses, beyond any explanation that isn’t a fireable offense for everyone who can be fired. This is gross, and imagining it improving requires a stiff imagination or a stiffer drink."
He's right, of course. It's early, but if the next 12 games play out like the first 4 this team will need to be scattered to the corners of the earth so that it can never be assembled again. Like the Dream Team, only the EXACT OPPOSITE.
Asked what he could do to help fix the problems, Crennel said, “Just keep harping on them and repeating to them their responsibilities, put them in positions in practice where they’re forced to do what they’re supposed to do and then in a game, hopefully they’ll be able to get it done.”
'I clearly said 'single-malt', Betty. Clean out your desk.'
I believe Former President Gerald Ford said it best: 'Hey Homer, do you like football? Do you like nachos? Would you like to come to my house and watch football and eat nachos?' Welcome to Week 4 of this tremendous experiment in rapid-fire media interpolation and smart-assery!
A lot of developments this week: Mike Carey and and the other officials are back running the show, Kenny Britt has now gone from 'potential sleeper' to 'space occupier on your bench', and my family has informed me, specifically, that it's 'kind of nice on Sundays' when I squirrel away for five hours to do this, and only emerge 'once in a while'. Love.
Join me starting at noon and refresh your browser often....I appreciate you coming for the ride.
Important Note: I would expect this to get pretty Saints/Packers heavy about 3:45, but we'll do our best to keep the lesser games in the mix..... Early Notes: Watching some pre game nonsense all over the place, here's a couple things: Kenny Britt is sitting out today, because, let's face it, it's not gonna make a difference.
John Elway's commercial for Dove Skin Care above is subtly the most disturbing thing I've seen in many a moon. I may need to consult Revelations, as I'm pretty confident that at least one of the images featured represents the breaking of the third seal.
Nobody bothered to tell Michael Irvin before he conducted a whole interview that 'Roddy' is not, in fact' pronounced 'Rowdy'. On the other hand, look at that suit.
Effing Warren Sapp still thinks he's the best guy to ever touch the game. That's good self-esteem, tween girls, as he maintains that opinion while simultaneously sitting next to three guys that were tremendously better then, as well as now.
Why is Bleacher Report sending me an update the Mikel LeShoure will be playing today? Is this already a concern? HE PLAYED ONE WEEK. Do not trust the Lions for your fantasy running needs.
Play Jerome Simpson today. Time to roll the dice....
Alright, need to shower and heat some meat, back with more pre-game observations in a few....
Wait! Spiller's in, and so's Fred Jackson. Now I hate the Bills RBs this week. Somebody trade Fred Jackson to the Lions already, cool?
Today's blog of mayhem football will be fueled today by Papa Charlie's Italian Beef. Papa Charlie's! Put It In A Blender And Have A Beef Shake! (I'm not positive that's their slogan, I'm just guessing). Gonna make a run at two and a half pounds, give or take, today.
These fellas on the NFL Network pre-game really do a nice job of pretending they are convinced that the Jets are a competitive - nigh, lethal - football club. They must all be competing for a part in Expendables 3.
I love Rich Eisen, but sometimes it seems like he gets lost in his sentences so he just keeps on going until it sounds like it's ended.
Internet Pro-Tip - Oddly enough, Googling 'Beef Shake' in the image search is not even close to 'unbelievable vile' as you'd think. In fact, not at all....pretty tame, YOU MISSED SOMETHING, INTERNET!
I'm 95% sure that Kurt Warner is wearing mascara. WTF, Kurt? Your eyebrows look like your old lady's did a decade ago.
I know it's a 'limited snaps' return, but I'm still playing Pierre Garcon in all my lineups today - and I'm huge on getting Cedric Benson in your flex or RB2 spot.
Whoops! Almost forgot to flip over to RedZone for my weekly Rank/Fabiano and....uh, Fabs is telling us to sit Chris Johnson, Mark Ingram, Andre Brown and DeAngelo Williams. Thanks, Mike. Is Roy Helu also a bad play?
I'm going to keep repeating this: DO NOT PLAY BRANDON LLOYD.
Wow - great prediction from Elliot Harrison who called that the Texans D will score double the fantasy points of Chris Johnson this week. That's tremendous. That's how you get me on board, E.
12:02 - The Pats have deferred the kickoff to the Bills. THE PATS SEASON IS OVER!
12:04 - Percy Harvin, runback for a TD from the endzone - 105 yards. Good luck, Detroit.
12:07 - Andre Johnson against the Titans secondary is the equivalent of 'Me' versus 'A Pile Of Ants'
12:08 - Uh oh....Atlanta 3 and out. Here comes the Cam Newton Experience! Know why? Because I benched Steve Smith everywhere....Texans touchdown to the TE Casey? Kasey? Eh, you don't have him.
12:10 - The early highlights here are always a little stunted. A fifteen yard pass to Sidney Rice doth not 'The BIG PLAY in this drive, make'. MARSHAWN LYNCH touchdown. Also, early Double-Box - Matt Ryan getting his hand looked at.
12:11 - Greg Olsen, Touchdown Panthers! Olsen showing that tenacity and heart that the Bears drafted him for. In 2007.
12:13 - Jason Hanson for 3....it's a barnburner. Sanchez to Chaz Schilens for...I don't know, twelve yards? Why is that a highlight?
12:14 - Jackie Battle is the best running back on the Chargers. Also, Aldon Smith just planted Sancho like a sapling.
12:14 - Part Deux. Stevan Ridley, touchdown....the mighty Patriots running game is mighty!
12:15 - EDDIE ROYAL ENDZONE RESURGENCE! 6 for Chargers, scan your waiver wires!
12:17 - Jerome Simpson. First catch. Here we go......
12:18 - Colin Kaepernick just Tim Tebowed the Jets. And I probably spelled his name super-wrong. And also I totally don't care.
12: 20 - Kapernock in again, huge bomb attempt to Randy Moss. Incomplete, but I like that the Niners are Jetting the Jets.
12:21 - Ugh....Matt Cassell is Tom Petty to the Chiefs' Heartbreakers. INT. Same old Chiefs.....
12:23 - Don't know why I never noticed it before, but Michael Turner in full-stride looks a lot like what I've always imagined a side of beef would look like if it could enter the Olympic hurdles.
'The Leg'. In shorts!
12:25 - 'They call him 'Greg The Leg' in St. Louis' - S. Hanson '...probably because they're drunk and good nicknames are challenging.' - Me. Looks like Jake Locker is leaving the Titans game...HERE COMES MATT HASSELBECK, YOU DINKS!
12:27 - I swear the Falcons have been in the red zone for 13 plays now. The unyielding power of Panther Defense.
12:29 - Oh I see, they were waiting for Matty Ice to go Matty INT.
12:30 - Brutal fumble from Jamaal Charles, like at their own ten yard line. Norv the Waffle is gonna put some syrup on this....
12:32 - Jackie Battle, touchdown. The Bolts should just sell Mathews for parts.
12:34 - Seriously, who's James Casey? Did Owen Daniels get hurt again? Casey is in on every play. Also, I've seen two Mario Manningham highlights in the Niners game....MANNINGHAM!
12:36 - I've seen nothing but good from the Niners and ugly from the Jets thus far, yet the score is tied at nil-nil.....hang on, wait for it. Nope, still zip.
12:38 - Hey RedZone, I don't pay five bucks a month to watch chain measurements. Get somebody in the camera bay, stat.
12:39 - Colin Capeknocks with the QB sneak for Niners' TD. You had him in your flex, right? Right?
12:40 - Somebody named Givens just made a huge catch for the Rams....RODDY WHITE TOUCHDOWN!......anyway, I don't know who 'Givens' is, but he's faster than hell.
12:41 - Who puts a linebacker on Roddy White? This is why you're losing games, Carolina.
12:43 - Arian Foster, touchdown Texans. That dude really did deserve to be the #1 overall.
12:43 - Sam Bradford throws a pick. It's only a matter of time before Fisher punches him out on the sidelines, for the good of the game. MIKE CAREY SIGHTING!
12:45 - Never mind about my depression on Steve Smith....fumbles her away on an end-around reverse. You don't single-hand that ball around Dunta Robinson, son!
12:46 - Ronnie Brown sighting in the Bolts game!
12:47 - Intentional Grounding on Phil Rivers. A small tear sneaks out of the corner of his eye.
Still a classic.
12:48 - TIM TEBOW COMPLETION! And gets the third-string TE's knee completely shredded in the process. HAVE JESUS HEAL HIM, TIM!
12:49 - Steve Gostowski with another shank! That's how Vinatieri lost that gig, Steve, and then he went drunk-noodling in the canals of Indianapolis....so look forward to your future.
12:51 - Percy Harvin is a stat machine. Best 'Percy' ever in the NFL, I will hear no argument.
12:52 - Wow. Scott Hanson just dropped a 'for a guy who once looked like a superstar' on Chris Johnson. You're so bad, they're retroactively downgrading those three good years. That's suck.
12:56 - Dave Akers hooks it! But it's from 55 yards, so you get a mulligan, you old so-and-so. HUGE Dwayne Bowe catch negated by illegal formation....and the Rams pick off Russell Wilson, by stripping the ball mid-catch. Will probably be re-classified as a catch for Doug Baldwin, as he was near the play.
12:59 - GRONK FUMBLE! To touchdown Bills to Scott Chandler. Suck it, Gronk.
1:00 - DeAngelo Williams touchdown! So again, if you're listening to Mike Fabiano, you just got six points on your bench. POINTS!
1:02 - Steven Jackson is the Original Recipe Marshawn Lynch.
1:03 - How many effing receivers so the Rams have? Austin Pettis? Who? That's like seven I've counted so far....is Isaac Bruce still there? ANTONIO GATES MIDRANGE GAIN!
1:04 - GREATEST SHOW ON TURF MONTAGE!
1:05 - Titans on the board - Hasselbeck to Stevens! Useless to Fantasy!
1:06 - Another one....Brian Quick for the Rams! I've heard of him. Nick Novak in the ChargerAssaultAttack!
1:07 - Taking five, need to resupply.....but first, second Jamaal Charles fumble of the day! The Chiefs this year are as hapless as the Chiefs last year. GOSTOWSKI SHANKS ANOTHER ONE! Gonna be a new kicker in New England by Tuesday.
1:11 - Phil Rivers gives a pick back to the Chiefs. It's nice he's trying to keep things fair! Friendship.
1:13 - Lions had three shots in the red zone, settling for field goal. Brandon Pettigrew drops more crucial balls than Jermichael Finley.
1:16 - Rams call a fake field goal - Touchdown for Amendola! BUT THERE'S A FLAG.
1:16 - TOUCHDOWN STANDS. That's what you get when Mike Carey runs the show.
1:17 - Holy crap. Jamaal Charles just hauled off a run that I can imagine only Barry Sanders could have pulled off. That's how you make up for two fumbles....Chiefs finally on the board.
1:17 - Part Two - SANCHO FUMBLEZ! Niners' ball.
1:18 - Bills up 14 to 7, second Chandler score, set up by a Fred Jackson sideline grab. The Bills shall not be denied.
1:20 - Another Roddy White 6! Bad day to have Julio in there...well, so far. There's a lot of scoring left to be registered in this game.
1:21 - WELKA FUMBA! Bills with a chance to go up by two scores.....
1:24 - Close enough to halftime - actually taking that break I was talking about before - but not before the Bills fumble on the goal line! Pats ball, Spiller fumbling.
'Unneccesary Adorable, Fifteen yards. First Down!'
1:36 - Slight delay-of-game....need to give a bath to one of the children. THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN TO BILL SIMMONS! Does it?
1:41 - Huge scoring punt return for the Vikes! Some dude I don't know! Also, Matt Cassell with another pick...that's the fifth turnover for the Chiefs. Argh.
1:42 - Pete Carroll starts the half with an onside kick...recovered by the Rams. Know why, Pete? BECAUSE GOD HATES CHEATERS.
1:42 Pt. Dos - Patrick Willis, INT on Sanchez. JETS FOOTBALL!
1:44 - The Leg just cranked in a 60 yard FG. Between Walsh and him, the kicking game has changed forever. Forever, you hear? Because they're all going Seabass style. http://www.thefantasyfootballguys.com/forum/index.php
1:45 - On the other side of the age spectrum, Dave Akers just shanked a 40 yarder. Youth in revolt.
1:53 - Michael Turner ain't dead yet - 60 yard truck to the end zone. Panthers' year is over already.
Musburger: The Early Years
1:54 - I miss Brent Musburger.
1:55 - Daniel Manning just picked off Hasselbeck and went somewhere between 50 and 700 yards for a Texans touchdown. Matt In The Saddle Again.
2:02 - Danny Woodhead. Still Alive. Six for the Patriots. Woodhead to promptly return to the mist where he's been residing for two seasons.
2:04 - Of course Ryan Grant is inactive for the Redskins. Because my dynasty team, which has the worst RBs in the history of fantasy, actually needed him. Thanks again Jahvid Best and James Starks!
2:05 - Cam Newton taking the game into his own hands again! This time, luckily avoiding a knee injury.....followed by a Newton touchdown. That guy is starting to look like a total a-hole. Nice TD dance. Also nice that you blow off your teammates in favor of the dance. FRANK GORE! Remember when all those guys at your draft said he was done?
2:07 - At least these Chiefs don't give up...Cassell to Charles to Endzone. Why did I draft Dwayne Bowe? He's still there, right?
2:08 - Mikel LeShoure; big run for a fumble! Didn't take long for him to fit in o the Detroit scheme.
2:09 - It's Welker time. Always going to Wes when the chips are down....Packers now using Driver like that, but not as often. Ignore them until you actually need to succeed.
2:12 - Owen Daniels is apparently playing. Just steamrolled his way for another Texans....HOLY SH*T, TOM BRADY JUST QB KEEPERED THAT THING FOR SIX. Or close enough. I haven't looked outside, is the sun still there?
2:14 - Looking at them next to each other on the bench, I think Brady wishes Gronk were dead.
The Gentler Side of Chad Greenway
2:22 - Positives: my legs have not fallen asleep thus far, and I have not spilled Broccoli-Cheese soup on the bed yet. Negatives: Calvin Johnson just got knocked-out head-to-head by Chad Greenway.
2:25 - Stevan Ridley is finally fulfilling all the promise and potential the Patriots saw when they drafted Laurence Maroney.
2:26 - BREAKING: I make terrific soup.
2:28 - GRONKDOWN! If he ever stops doing that, Brady is going to have him disappeared.
2:29 - Mike Turner just threw a roundhouse at the end of a long run. I like that.
2:33 - Rams need to finish stronger....with only a six point lead, and six minutes left, there's plenty of ways for the Seahawks to win. Not as many as last week, granted, but still plenty.
2:34 - Spiller might have gotten hurt again, then Fred Jackson fumbled. You made a good try at this Buffalo, you made a good try.
2:35 - Hasselbeck. Fumble. Texans Ball. Please end this. Hasselbeck's a good guy.
2:37 - Who's Brandon Bolden? (sp?) Seems like he's taken Shane Vereen's proposed carries.
2:38 - Jets are gonna get shut-out. Better get a third quarterback - Vince Young seems like he'd fit into that calliope of messy pretty nice.
2:39 - Bills went from up by 14 to down by 14 in a relatively short amount of time. WHY DIDN'T I INVEST IN THAT BUFFALO LIQUOR STORE WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE?
2:41 - The Detroit Lions score on a QB sneak. Great for them, but when planning long-term, how about never having Stafford voluntarily contact the defense, ever. For review, he breaks easy.
2:43 - Can we agree that Bianca Wilfork never needs to be on television again?
2:44 - The Panthers are beating the Flacons. And Ryan Fitzpatrick just threw his second pick to Devin McCourty, whom I was misinformed was a country singer. Jesus H....Hasselbeck just threw another interception for a 63 yard return. Call it.
2:46 - The Bills defense is broken. I thought Mario Williams was supposed to fix all that. That Bolden guy just barrel-rolled into the endzone, and he looks like he weighs a buck-ten. Jackie Battle with another touchdown. Eff Ryan Mathews. Kendall Hunter score for the Niners. WHY IS THIS ALL HAPPENING AT ONCE?!?!?
2:48 - RARE TRI-SCREEN!
2:52 - One point game in Atlanta, like we all expected.
2:55 - I'm confused, Jerome Simpson just caught a ball and did not hurdle or flip over any defenders. What did you do to my Jerome Simpson, NFL?
Bassist. Gamer. Civil Rights Activist. Punter. Badass.
2:56 - KLUWE! Beautiful punt, about the one yard line, and Scott Hanson refs World of Warcraft: Mists of Pandaria. I don't think that should happen. Also, Rams pick-off = Rams win. Too bad Seattle, couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of guys.
2:58 - Stafford just fumbled away the Lions' chances...probably. Reviewing, but I have faith in our regular crew here.
3:00 - Charles Johnson just pasted Matt Ryan. If they don't eff this up, the Panthers are going to win this one.
3:02 - Mists of Pandaria? Really? How is Dreamworks not suing Blizzard's collective ass? Sorry, it's been on my chest.
3:03 - Fumbled reversed - the Lions aren't dead yet.
3:03 Pt. 2 - Never mind, Stafford sacked, Vikings win....the juggernaut will not be denied.
3:07 - QUAD BOX! Second set of games a-startin!
3:08 - I'm a Packer fan, we know that...wait, Brandon Lloyd with a garbage TD.....anyway, that said, ONLY Packer fans would shell out money for a Worst Call Ever shirt with the date on it. Let it go.
3:10 - Uh oh...Arthur Blank is now coming down to the field at the end of games? But that's Jerry Jones' territory.....wait, if Blank is now Jones, then Jones is....JONES IS THE NEW AL DAVIS!
3:11 - Peyton Manning to Brandon Stokely. Seems Like Old Times.
3:12 - Every single replacement referee sitting at home right now is happy as hell they aren't working the Atlanta/Carolina game.
3:13 - Tamme gets a first down, and another 'Tamme and Manning did that a lot in Indianapolis' - NO THEY DIDN'T. ONE PARTIAL SEASON. THAT'S IT. Also, 'touchdown Broncos', to Joel Dreesen.
3:15 - Andy Dalton getting right to it, throwing a pick...but Jags football demands parity! Fumbled right back to Cincy on the return.
3:16 - Terrific special teams play by Carolina - punt downed at Atlanta's one.....
3:17 - Roddy White just grabbed a 60 plus harder. Falcons still in this.....
3:19 - Mike Smith looks like a guy who would like me to sell insurance for him. Also, Falcons in FG range....this is insane.
3:20 - The Panthers have taken the interesting choice of 'not playing defense' on this series. Going to cost them the game.....and we're icing the kicker, because that works.
3:23 - AND, the Panthers lose. Don't challenge Matt Bryant when death is on the line.
3:24 - Sebastian Janikowski with a 38 yard FG. Didn't even have to put out his smoke.
3:28 - Packers go three and out. They've got the Saints right where they want them. This one's in the bag.
3:30 - So Aldrick Robinson and Brandon Meriweather from the Redskins collided with each other two hours before game time and knocked each other out of the game. Not a good start to the day, Skins' faithful.
3:35 - Rodgers is growing a beard. And that's when the wins start to come. Jordy Nelson looks like he's remembering how to run after the catch.
'HANDS'
3:36 - Finley. End zone. Drop.
3:37 - James Jones. End zone. Touchdown.
3:39 - Marcedes Lewis - Jags touchdown, and one hell of a catch. If that guy was on an NFL team, he'd really be something special.
3:42 - Miami tearing up the Arizona defense, as per expected. HUH?
3:44 - Alas, all for but three points.
3:48 - Pack defense has gone back to '11 Style. COVER THE TIGHT END. ESPECIALLY THIS ONE.
3:50 - Brees to Colston for six.....GB might want to get away from the zone. Also, Colston pushed off, and since that wasn't called, it didn't take long for the regular refs to become the old a-holes they used to be. Hope you enjoyed that four days of appreciation, guys!
3:56 - Demaryius Thomas just almost had a terrific run-and-catch for a score, which he opted to switch up by dropping and kicking the ball to Oakland. Also, fake punt for Bengals, which worked great on account of Jags.
3:59 - Credit where due: Finley just had a great catch and run. AND PIERRE GARCON FOR A TOUCHDOWN! Welcome back Pierre! More of that, 'Skins...my fantasy teams need you.
4:03 - So I never noticed before that the Tampa Stadium is built to look like a wharf, then? The hot dog guys should be dressed as longshoremen then.
4:06 - Rodgers to Jennings.....this game may eclipse the 200 mark for combined points. The fierce Miami defense is destroying Arizona, like we said they wo----what?
4:13 - Brian Hartline is on your waiver wire. You should pick him up. Tanne likes him a lot.
4:16 - Whatever that 'put a pin on that guy' graphic thing is that Fox is doing this year needs to not happen anymore.
JORVORSKI!
4:17 - Two weeks of Javorski Lane scoring touchdowns. The Javorski Express is non-stop.
4:18 - JORVORSKI. Good god, I've been spelling that wrong for a week.
4:19 - Andy Dalton, QB sneakdown.....The Red Rocket is on fire! (Obligatory Pun Insertion Complete)
4:24 - Tyler Perry is in an action movie? You know what? Awesome.
4:25 - Miami goes to half with the shutout on the Cards. Yes, I understand what I just wrote...RG3 RUNS ONE IN!
4:27 - Trick play John Kuhn! Green Bay is all full of the trickeroos this year.....followed by Holding on the Saints. If logic follows, the next play should be Roman Harper with a late hit to Rodgers' head.
4:30 - Cedric Benson is a bull. Malcolm Jenkins with the face mask...I must be early on the Harper play, but it's coming.
4:34 - James Jones with a second touchdown. Yeah, they should have dealt him in the offseason.....
4:37 - Good god Alfred Morris doesn't want to lose that gig. About 45 yards for 6.....Roy Helu will be available in the offseason, kids.
4:38 - Wait, I was wrong about Garcon, apparently he recovered a fumble in the end zone, so for fantasy purposes, I have no idea what that means....because in three different leagues, I've got three different answers.
4:45 - Brian Hartline is on pace for 290 receiving yards on your waiver wire.
4:47 - After a terrific Bengals drive that was all AJ Green being awesome, Benjarvus just fumbled it on the one and now the Jags have it....TOUCHDOWN SAINTS! Sproles.....this game is going to be awesome until the end.
4:48 - Peyton Manning. Eric Decker. Denver Peyton's are pulling away....
4:55 - Larry Fitz gets his, no matter who the quarterback is. Now more than ever.
4:58 - If Oakland and Kansas City had a 'who's more half-assed' contest, I'd bet it'd be a tie. TOUCHDOWN MCGAHEE!
5:00 - If it's 5pm somewhere, it's Sav Rocca time! Holding for Cundiff....who just doesn't have enough leg strength......oh Billy, there's still more stops to make on your NFL voyage, son!
5:03 - WHY IS MARV ALBERT ON THE BENGALS/JAGS GAME?
5:08 - Every Ryan Fitzpatrick stat line looks like they combined two quarterbacks' stats inadvertently.
5:11 - Lance Ball, touchdown Broncos...game over. Darren McFadden deserves to be on an NFL team.
5:13 - WOW. Packers just got effed on another challenge call. Jeff Triplette better have brought a bodyguard, he's not getting to his hotel any other way.
5:17 - AJ Green, touchdown, and the Bengals aren't losing this week....
5:20 - It's that time, kids....I gotta put my energies into this Packers game, since we're now lining up 13 guys on kick blocks. Thanks for joining me, and we'll see you next week!
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