by Matt Prendergast
.jpg) |
I still haven't figured out how to get this job.
|
Welcome to week three of 'Matt frantically typing for three or five hours and more often when Blaine Gabbert shows up on the screen.' - For review:
NFL RedZone (not affliliated with ReclinerQB.com) is simply: Every Sunday NFL game, no commercials, hosted by the affable Scott Hanson and all wrapped up near the five o'clock hour with a montage that is only aptly described as 'Touchdown Climax Happy Explosion'. If this is your first time watching RedZone (WELCOME TO THE CLUB TIME-WARNER!), make sure you have plenty of sandwiches within arms reach, and plenty of fluids. Make your own, if neccessary, because you're not getting up again for some time.
It's Big Batch Of The Beloved's Chili today, which is going to add a sweet variant to the festivities....I'll be here all day - refresh early and often, and enjoy this ride on Football Mountain! Thanks for playing...
11:55 - I watched almost all of the RedZone Fantasy pregame show....questions: How did Akbar Gbaja Biamila get an NFL gig before Kabeer? And also, why hasn't he already eaten all the tiny people surrounding him on the set?
11:58 - Also, I never noticed before that Michael Fabiano's head looks to be half the size of a regulation football. And you're taking advice from that head. You've been warned.
12:01 - Scott Hanson has warmly greeted the new Time Warner/Brighthouse viewers in the appropriate fashion: by getting an Arnold Schwarzeneggar-circa-1986 haircut. BOLD!
12:04 - Four Kickoffs so far. No scores, no picks. This is bunk.
12:05 - Jets starting off with Sanchez and Tebow in on the opening play.....and it's incomplete.
12:06 - Mohammed Sanu just dropped a bomb to AJ Green out of the Wildcat. Bengals up by seven. WILDCAT RULES!
12:07 - Early Double-Box - Lance Moore score for the Saints! Chiefs-Saints already well on the way to a two hundred point game.
12:09 - I don't know who's doing the call on the Lions/Titans; I do know that one of them is drunk. MARK SANCHEZ PICK!
12:10 - Tony Romo pick! We're all evened up at 2 TDs, 2 picks. Parity.
12:11 - I think I just saw Michael Bivens from Bell Biv Devoe on the Tampa bench. That girl is poison.
12:12 - When did Reggie Bush get great? There should have been a memorandum. Whoops, just cut to Vikes/49ers, for no lie, for 6 seconds, then out.
12:13 - And as we expected, the Niners have no answer for the Vikings offensive assault. Huh? - Also, Daniel Thomas TD for the Fins - back to Vikes, AD to the 2. NOW A BILLS TOUCHDOWN! Some guy I don't know, TJ Graham or something. Start your studs.
12:14 - In general, defensive linemen need to stop celebrating when they do their job. TOUCHDOWN VIKES! Kyle Rudolph. It's anarchy there.
12:17 - Game Line announcement: Cowboys already have three penalties and a pick. How bout 'dem Boys? Glory Hole!
12:18 - Doug Martin is a good running back. First and three inches for Tampa. Chiefs are threatening, but seem halted at the 10. LUKE STOCKER TOUCHDOWN! Yeah, I don't know who he is either.
12:19 - Eh, Chiefs settle for a kick. 7-3. You're falling off the pace....also, Jags FG as well. Things already looking up.
12:20 - Bengals throwing out of the end zone - pick and score for the Redskins. Mayhem.
12:21 - Back in five - child needs food. Also, Matt needs food.
12:22 - Wait up....Ron Pitts and Mike Martz are doing the Lions/Titans game. So Martz was the one that sounded head-deep in a rye barrel. Might not be drunk after all, I think that's just Martz. Jason Hanson FG. Also Robbie Gould FG for the Bears. DULL.
12:25 - CJ Spiller for a 32 yard score. Fred Jackson owners: time to let it go. He's not coming back.
12:26 - As expected: Vikes stifling the anemic Niners offense. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
12:27 - Yearly Devery Henderson sighting in New Orleans. Scour your waiver wires!
12:29 - Jimmy Graham is hard as steel - gets a terrific first down for the Saints. Also, just like clockwork, the Vikes with a huge pass to Harvin making them threaten again. It's just not fair, San Fran.
12:31 - They just showed a highlight of Chris Johnson. Running for ten yards. Let. It. Go.
12:31 - Still need chili. Mean it this time....Andrew Luck to T.Y. Hilton. Touchdown.....okay, now going for chili.
12:40 - Okay, I know I had Fritos, but they've vanished. And these brand new crackers are stale. God damn it.
12:41 - Bengals scored another six....right to Cutty throwing a pick to Cortland Finnegan, who then fumbled - but it looks like down-by-contact. Gonna challenge.
12:43 - Cowboys scored somewhere in there....I can't keep up with all of this, Cap'n, I'M JUST A MAN.
12:44 - Titans just pulled some crazy trick play on a punt return for a TD. The Lions might actually be the worst team in the NFC North, but Cutler's got a lot of time left in his game.
12:45 - 'I gotta show you what just happened to Mark Sanchez'....always a good lead-in. A DOLPHIN SACKED HIM AND THEN DID PEE-WEE HERMAN'S 'TEQUILA' DANCE OVER HIM. That's the best thing I'm going to see this week.
12:46 - And apparently CJ Spiller has been injured. This chili is powerful. Fred Jackson back in play for next week! Currently, the Bills are running Tashard Choice, whom I thought was retired.
12:48 - Aha, it was DeMarco Murray for the Boys' score. Good news! Oh, look, another CJ2K highlight! For a seven-yard loss. Parity.
12:51 - This note on the Bengals: AJ Green is unbelievably talented. And if he gets hurt, ever, their entire season is over.
12:52 - Jake Locker to Jared Cook for a 61 yard score. Because this is the week I gave up on Cook.
12:54 - Christian Ponder just tripped Adrian Peterson. Excellent analogy for when the Vikes eventually lose this game.
12:56 - Bengals fake FG. Which failed. Not a good sign for the second half....Christian Ponder just took a keeper a LONG way to increase the Vikings lead. So who's the best team in the NFL next week, then?
12:59 - LeRon Landry, the one Jet I like, is hurt. And maybe so is Devin Hester. The humanity.
1:00 - It doesn't seem like the Lions are even playing Kevin Smith at all. And I don't trust that at all, either.
1:01 - My whole left leg fell asleep - trying to walk it off, but we've got some troubles. This must be what it feels like for Ben Rothlisberger when he gets flushed out of the pocket.
1:03 - Steven Jackson is out of the game again for the Rams after a three yard outing or something. Should have run with Richardson. As for the Chiefs, I've now seen Matt Cassell miss throws on two or three certain scores.
1:05 - You can shut down the Lions, but you can't shut down Jason Hanson.
1:06 - I don't think there's a less exciting QB playing in this league than Josh Freeman. They should just have 'Meh' written on the back of his jersey.
1:07 - Tebow on a fake punt. God I can't wait for his nonsense to be out of the league.
1:09 - Is Trent Richardson playing today? What the hell, Browns. He's your guy.
1:10 - Unrelated, but I gotta get this off my chest: Who the eff gives a rat's ass what Jim Brown thinks about ANYBODY on the Browns? Great running back in the early 70s; now bitter old man. I've never seen any old bitterman get more press off what he thinks about guys on his old team. Of course, Brett hasn't been retired that long yet....
1:16 - RG3 having a rookie game so far. That could change.....also TOUCHDOWN TRENT RICHARDSON! Thanks for listening, fellas!
1:16 pt. 2 - David Akers just had an FG attempt blocked. The wheels are spinning off the bus, Captain Comeback. Better get your extra-motivation cap on for half-time......also, TOUCHDOWN MICHAEL BUSH in the Bears/Rams scrum.
1:17 - Pierre Thomas with a terrific catch, which he then got off the ground with and ran into the end zone untouched. Which brings up a related point, being that the Chiefs suck.
1:18 - More Cincinnati Wildcat! Touchdown Benjarvus. Get it together Skins, this is getting fugly.
1:20 - If Alfred Morris doesn't put Washington on his back, and soon, doesn't he realize he's going to vanish from the face of the Earth?
1:20 - Never mind on Pierre Thomas, sounds like he didn't catch it or something.
1:22 - As expected, Jake Locker is having his way with the Lions. WHO SWITCHED MY PILLS?
1:23 - You know how devastating Donald Brown is on the Colts? Mewelde Moore just appeared from 2006 and scored for the Colts.
1:24 - I knew I should have sat Griffin when Mikey Fabiano noted specifically that there was nobody outside of Drew Brees he would start over Griffin this week. Stupid buttbag.
1:25 - And here comes Evan Royster! That didn't take long.
1:26 - CJ2K update! Dropped pass in the flat! Also, CJ Spiller has a shoulder problem, not coming back today.
1:28 - There's a lot a really good rookie kickers this year - Greg Zuerlein just put 3 on the board for the Rams from 56 yards. OOPS! Reggie Bush has also sustained a leg injury. Not a good day to be a league leader.
1:29 - Whenever we get near the half on most of these games, they make Hanson get into game breakdown/analysis. Which shows that we need to push for staggered halftimes.....Second Best Highlight of the Day! A ref threw his hat on the field in the Dallas game and tripped Ogletree with it in the endzone. I'm now on board with the replacement refs.
1:34 - I just noticed that when it's inside a helmet, Tony Romo's face looks like it's been drawn in an animation studio. Or possibly applied to his head via Silly Putty transfer.
1:36 - LeShoure seems to have had a decent debut thus far - 61 yards at the half. This will make it more crushing when he suffers a knee injury in the third quarter.
1:38 - Romo going for it all with 2 seconds left....AND....nothing.
1:39 - Niners/Vikes starting the second half....Niners already in scoring position thanks to 94 yard kick return from Kyle 'Death Threats' Williams. Yeah, remember that San Fran, when you were threatening to KILL a punt returner last year? Because I had almost forgotten that. Now I hope you lose. (No offense, Josh)
1:40 - And that all turned into a field goal. Pshaw.
1:42 - Hanson is pimping 'Touchdown Climax' again for the new viewers....and rolled that into the Quadbox Twitter challenge. And both are devastatingly scary with his new True Lies haircut.
1:44 - Somehow Dexter McCluster just caught a ball, which injured him, and then he dropped the ball without being touched, and then the Saints picked it up and ran it in for a score, but the whistle had blown the play dead. THIS ISN'T AFFECTING THE GAME AT ALL, ROG.
1:45 - LaRon Landry apparently wasn't hurt seriously, as he just picked off Ryan Tannehill and ran into the endzone. Don't throw on LaRon, Ry.
1:51 - MJD over a hundy and a long long trot for a score....meanwhile, the replacement refs are going to have to make a decision in the Saints/Chiefs game that they have no way of not looking like a-holes afterwards. Fantastic.
1:54 - And somehow, the final call was still wrong. ALFRED MORRIS WILL NOT BE SAT! Touchdown, your Washington Redskins.
1:55 - Brees - Graham- six. Also, Pierre Thomas would be a terrific running back on a team where he wasn't splitting carries with three other guys. San Fran charging back on the Vikes, Vernon Davis for six. Now taking a five minute break, I'm getting dizzy.
1:58 - Wait! Jets within the ten, Tebow at QB. Fake option or something, losing yards. Good. Tired of that guy. Sanchez back in....AND THROWS A PICK! No, Rex, this isn't a circus at all.
2:00 - Lions going to all 'all Calvin Johnson' scheme. That only took almost three weeks...but the touchdown is for the unstoppable Mikel LeShoure.
2:11 - Another FG in the Titans/Lions game. Who wants to start an all-kicker league? Bironas shanks it!
2:12 - RG3 doesn't give up. On the three, and the Skins could tie this up....Also, I'm glad I'm not watching the Colts/Jags game, because it might make me try heroin.
2:13 - Touchdown Santana Moss! Then, up north, Touchdown Kyle Rudolph! (That's two for Kyle, and the only one Santana will have for the next month.
2:17 - Another Saints score, Brees to some guy I never heard of and you don't have on your roster.
2:18 - Darrelle Revis is injured. Flights to the Island have now been booked solid.
2:19 - Jets just wrapped a nice personal foul around a Dolphins' first down play....shot to the head after the receiver was down. Classy and controlled.
2:20 - Benjarvus - FUMBLE? The dream is dead. The dream is dead. Move your family to the fallout shelter.
2:21 - Niners' fumble, Minnesota recovery. Minnesota remains the juggernaut we've all feared these many years.....HOLY HELL. All of you questioning Jamaal Charles can suck one, 89 yards and 6 for JC. You benched him, didn't you. You are heathen.
2:23 - Wheedan to...um...Travis Benjamin? I think that's what they said....Browns will not lie down, better get your beard on, Fitz!
2:24 - 'Illegal Touching' in the Lions game, which, if I'm staying current with the law of the land, should get Titus Young 15 years with a chance of parole at 7.
2:25 - Rex Ryan could lose all his weight and his head would still look fat.
2:26 - Some Miami RB just scored six....and as I'm not up on the Fins' third string, I'm pretty sure they said his name is 'JAVORSKY' Lane. What the eff is that? That sounds like a place I'm trying to move away from.
2:28 - I apologize for that last one. That was weak. I can do better.
2:29 - I would go so far as to say, that Javorsky line was my Josh Freeman of One-Liners. Oh my, I forgot the Bears/Rams were still playing....
2:32 - CUTLER! HESTER! THROWN FIVE FEET TOO HIGH! I love you, Jay.
2:33 - The Bears are within the five, and they keep passing. Note: This is why you hired Michael Bush, Lovie. Stupid.
2:35 - Miles Austin is WAY better than Dez Bryant. Still. Why don't I learn? Bears took a 3 spot, because why not?
2:36 - Shonn Greene just got stuffed on the one-inch line. Shonn Greene is not an NFL running back. Followed by a Sancho Overthrow. The Jets are not a good team. Related - some Miami meth addict just got two seconds of national TV time....hold onto that moment, son, it won't come again until they bring COPS back onto the air.
2:39 - Apparently Jocque Bell has maintained his backup role on the Lions - what does Kevin Smith keep effing up? Touchdown for the ageless Nate Burleson.
2:41 - And Burleson gets the two point conversion. This is why you used a first rounder on C.J. and your flyer on Titus Young. Oh, and why you took Brandon Pettigrew anywhere.
2:43 - If the Buccaneers were really any good, or half the other teams in this league, Dallas would be out of this game. As it is, they're still going to win. Bears take a bigger leader thanks to a Major Wright pick for six (that's the closest I'll come to saying it, and it's way too close).
2:45 - Stevie Johnson for six. Bills up by ten. That should be enough, wouldn't you think?
2:46 - Darius Reynaud just ran the length of the field on a kickoff return for the Titans. He also set up that other special teams touchdown earlier. And also has been the only RB I've seen move forward for the Titans. DYNASTY LEAGUE!
2:50 - Donald Brown is the Josh Freeman of starting Running Backs.
2:51 - If you're in a league where you're penalized for scoring touchdowns, by all means load your roster with Colts and Jags. And Adam Vinatieri just shanked a lead-taker. Or did he hook it? I get confused. AND TWO WEEKS IN A ROW: Andrew Hawkins breaks a mid-range play into a HUGE touchdown for the Bengals.
2:53 - The Vikings are still handily beating the 49ers. As per the master plan.
2:55 - Nate Washington just made the best catch-and-run there's going to be this week. Tennessee is no longer the worst team in football, but they still have the worst running back.
2:56 - This KC/New Orleans game is gonna end up going to the team that doesn't want it less.
2:59 - This week's Hot Waiver Wire Pickup You're Going To Regret? Nate Burleson, for the eight consecutive year.
3:01 - Dynasty Pickup of the Week You Won't Regret? T.Y. Hilton of the Colts....oh god, Tebow's in again for a play.
3:02 - The New York Jets have no business running a five-receiver set. And it's even more insulting to the sport when it includes Tebow in the slot.
3:03 - Brandon Pettigrew stripped of ball, Titans touchdown. If it stands, Detroit returns to the ass end of the NFC North. Parity.
3:08 - No effing idea what's going on in the KC/NO game - apparently Brees got hit in the end zone and dropped it, or something, so the Chiefs got a safety, and the ball, and free tickets to Jersey Boys and a Blu-Ray copy of Carlito's Way, and a membership at Anytime Fitness. These new rules are fuzzy.
3:11 - They keep going back to the Jets/Dolphins every minute, and I swear a different team has the ball every thirty seconds - are they on some Super-Overtime One Down And You're Done deal? Because that sounds terrific.
3:12 - Alex Smith pick leads to Vikes win. It's all starting to even out.....
3:14 - Chaz Schilens is still in the league? And did I spell that right?
3:15 - I swear to god, if the Jets win this game on the back of Shonn Greene, I'm writing a terse letter.
3:16 - The Chiefs can still win this game. Glad the Saints spent all that offseason time distracted by the suspensions of four of their defenders, one of whom is a Brown, one of whom is unemployed, and one of whom immediately went on the PUP list.
3:18 - Shaun Hill to CJ to put Lions back in game - immediately followed by a successful onside kick recovery. They will not lie down.
3:19 - Shaun Hill still in game. You'd think Stafford would be more durable with all that extra face padding.
3:20 - HOLY HELL. Hail Mary bomb with no time left on the clock, and Titus Young catches it in the end zone. And in the Redskins/Bengals game, RG3 is attempting to do the same....AND IN THE JAGS/COLTS, CECIL SHORTS JUST PROBABLY WON THE GAME WITH LIKE NO SECONDS LEFT ON THE CLOCK OR SOMETHING. Oh, who cares? Jags/Colts. Call it a tie.
3:22 - 45 seconds left. So the Never Say Die Colts are still in this. 7 seconds left for the Skins, with some double penalty nonsense. These replacement refs wouldn't have any issues if all these games could just be blowouts.
3:25 - Bengals win, Cowboys gonna win, Chiefs taking the Saints to overtime. Grim.
3:26 - So it looks like Lions/Titans and Saints/Chiefs both going into OT. And Greg Schiano had the line rush the Cowboys on the kneeldown. Mark my words, this bullish*t from Schiano is going to cost the Buccaneers a lot of calls, and games, going forward.
3:27 - T.Y. Hilton with a huge catch - so much for Donnie Avery.
3:29 - Colossal PI call against the Jets as Miami was charging.....also, Jags beat Colts. Yay.
3:30 - AND....Miami/Jets also going to OT.
3:31 - Huge Titans catch, plus a Lions helmet-to-helmet penalty on top of the football sundae! Because your team doesn't have a control problem, Schwartz.
3:34 - Why do the Cardinals have blue jerseys on? And how did they already score a touchdown?
3:36 - HORRIBLE Call in the Titans game. Still got the PI, but somehow disallowed a catch that never hit the ground.
3:39 - Jacquizz Rodgers with the Falcons score.
3:40 - Cards are up by ten. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
3:41 - Heath Miller with another touchdown for the Steelers, continuing his yearly dominance of the TE position. Is this milk expired?
3:42 - These OT games need to end, I need a ten minute break....TEN goes up by three.
3:44 - Shawn Draughn may just fumbled the Saints to victory. Welcome back to the 2 hole, Peyton.
3:45 - Eff it. Back in fifteen, maybe. ...wait, McFadden with 64 yards for a score. Thank god.
3:46 - Oh, and Andre Johnson just scored on a three-mile long pass play.
3:52 - Tennesse won when Shaun Hill fumbled on fourth down.....as long as it's over. Back after the break....
3:56 - THE CHIEFS DIDN'T WANT IT LESS!
3:58 - Here come the Dolphins......NO GOOD! Look for Dan Carpenter on the actual waiver wire some point on Monday.
3:59 - Remember when I told you to sit Heath Miller? I was very very wrong. 2nd TD. Glad I just dropped him in a league.
4:00 - Vick. Sucks. Bring in that kid. It can't hurt.....
4:02 - Nick Folk finally ends that effing....NO HE DIDN'T! BLOCKED! Except there was a time-out from the Dolphins that prevented that from being an actual play. Good job with the icing, Philbin.
4:04 - Nick Folk finally ends that effing game.
4:05 - Texans/Broncos - 7 to 5. Five?!?
4:06 - Arian Foster, making it 13 to 5. Hope they go for two, because 15 to 5 would be the best score that never happened.
4:08 - Scott Hanson should get a pair of those kick-ass red shades that Cyclops wore in X-Men.
4:10 - I can't wait for Tony Gonzalez to retire so that I can stop not drafting him because he's done and then he beats me during the year.
4:11 - Steelers get a great run back from Antonio Brown negated because of, I think, 'Name Calling', and 'Ill-Fitting Pants' against the return team.
4:13 - Kevin Kolb to Larry Fitzgerald. The Eagles look ridiculously outmatched so far.
4:17 - Pat Lee is a starting CB for Oakland. Pat Lee never went higher than the 5th QB his entire career with the Packers. Now I understand why Oakland is having trouble.
4:18 - Is Will Ferrell playing the part of Ben Rothlisberger again?
4:20 - And a 52 yard striked to Kevin Walter - because of course the Texans are airing it out today, on account of Matt Schaub hates me.
4:33 - And thus the first 'Nick Foles' mention I've heard of the day....I expect more.
4:36: - The Eagles are in an unbelievable amount of trouble. That sack/fumble better take Vick out of the game so this week isn't a complete embarrasment.
4:39 - And Jonathan Dwyer just cleared the path for Rashard to step right back into the starting lineup. Hurry on back now, Mendy!
4:40 - Nate Irving of the Broncos just may have concussed himself or worse tackling the Texans returner - and that just about sums up the Denver outing today. Hope the dude is alright, the fall to the ground did not look promising.
4:44 - CARSON PALMER BOOTLEG. He's deadly, like snake. Or snake-based boots.
4:45 - Irving is up for Denver - that's about the only good thing that's happened for them in the last two hours. And you're telling me Tebow was winning with this squad?
4:46 - Jamaal Charles ran for 233 today? Considering he's losing all those carries to Hillis, that means Peyton got like 180, right?
4:49 - GREAT CATCH by Darius Heyward-Bey. Raiders tie the game. Shame on you, Pittsburgh, you hurt your mother and make her cry when you don't play hard.
4:52 - Terrific interception by the Broncos. Now Schaub is finally settling in to play some Schaubball.
4:56 - When Ben-Ben waves his hands all around to hurry the team to the line, he looks a lot like Big Bird sometimes.
4:57 - Broncos bring themselves up to 11. Because that's a normal score.
5:00 - That Steve Sabol piece is the best football we're going to see this year. That guy was amazing, period.
5:08 - Outside of the Steelers/Raiders, this whole afternoon is blowouts....and that means it's time for me to sign off for the day. The family needs me, or something....thanks for joining me again, and please join us again next week for more RedZone fun!
11:55 - I watched almost all of the RedZone Fantasy pregame show....questions: How did Akbar Gbaja Biamila get an NFL gig before Kabeer? And also, why hasn't he already eaten all the tiny people surrounding him on the set?
11:58 - Also, I never noticed before that Michael Fabiano's head looks to be half the size of a regulation football. And you're taking advice from that head. You've been warned.
12:01 - Scott Hanson has warmly greeted the new Time Warner/Brighthouse viewers in the appropriate fashion: by getting an Arnold Schwarzeneggar-circa-1986 haircut. BOLD!
12:04 - Four Kickoffs so far. No scores, no picks. This is bunk.
12:05 - Jets starting off with Sanchez and Tebow in on the opening play.....and it's incomplete.
12:06 - Mohammed Sanu just dropped a bomb to AJ Green out of the Wildcat. Bengals up by seven. WILDCAT RULES!
12:07 - Early Double-Box - Lance Moore score for the Saints! Chiefs-Saints already well on the way to a two hundred point game.
12:09 - I don't know who's doing the call on the Lions/Titans; I do know that one of them is drunk. MARK SANCHEZ PICK!
12:10 - Tony Romo pick! We're all evened up at 2 TDs, 2 picks. Parity.
12:11 - I think I just saw Michael Bivens from Bell Biv Devoe on the Tampa bench. That girl is poison.
12:12 - When did Reggie Bush get great? There should have been a memorandum. Whoops, just cut to Vikes/49ers, for no lie, for 6 seconds, then out.
12:13 - And as we expected, the Niners have no answer for the Vikings offensive assault. Huh? - Also, Daniel Thomas TD for the Fins - back to Vikes, AD to the 2. NOW A BILLS TOUCHDOWN! Some guy I don't know, TJ Graham or something. Start your studs.
12:14 - In general, defensive linemen need to stop celebrating when they do their job. TOUCHDOWN VIKES! Kyle Rudolph. It's anarchy there.
12:17 - Game Line announcement: Cowboys already have three penalties and a pick. How bout 'dem Boys? Glory Hole!
12:18 - Doug Martin is a good running back. First and three inches for Tampa. Chiefs are threatening, but seem halted at the 10. LUKE STOCKER TOUCHDOWN! Yeah, I don't know who he is either.
12:19 - Eh, Chiefs settle for a kick. 7-3. You're falling off the pace....also, Jags FG as well. Things already looking up.
12:20 - Bengals throwing out of the end zone - pick and score for the Redskins. Mayhem.
 |
| You can probably take off the pads, Fred. |
12:21 - Back in five - child needs food. Also, Matt needs food.
12:22 - Wait up....Ron Pitts and Mike Martz are doing the Lions/Titans game. So Martz was the one that sounded head-deep in a rye barrel. Might not be drunk after all, I think that's just Martz. Jason Hanson FG. Also Robbie Gould FG for the Bears. DULL.
12:25 - CJ Spiller for a 32 yard score. Fred Jackson owners: time to let it go. He's not coming back.
12:26 - As expected: Vikes stifling the anemic Niners offense. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
12:27 - Yearly Devery Henderson sighting in New Orleans. Scour your waiver wires!
12:29 - Jimmy Graham is hard as steel - gets a terrific first down for the Saints. Also, just like clockwork, the Vikes with a huge pass to Harvin making them threaten again. It's just not fair, San Fran.
12:31 - They just showed a highlight of Chris Johnson. Running for ten yards. Let. It. Go.
12:31 - Still need chili. Mean it this time....Andrew Luck to T.Y. Hilton. Touchdown.....okay, now going for chili.
12:40 - Okay, I know I had Fritos, but they've vanished. And these brand new crackers are stale. God damn it.
12:41 - Bengals scored another six....right to Cutty throwing a pick to Cortland Finnegan, who then fumbled - but it looks like down-by-contact. Gonna challenge.
12:43 - Cowboys scored somewhere in there....I can't keep up with all of this, Cap'n, I'M JUST A MAN.
12:44 - Titans just pulled some crazy trick play on a punt return for a TD. The Lions might actually be the worst team in the NFC North, but Cutler's got a lot of time left in his game.
12:45 - 'I gotta show you what just happened to Mark Sanchez'....always a good lead-in. A DOLPHIN SACKED HIM AND THEN DID PEE-WEE HERMAN'S 'TEQUILA' DANCE OVER HIM. That's the best thing I'm going to see this week.
12:46 - And apparently CJ Spiller has been injured. This chili is powerful. Fred Jackson back in play for next week! Currently, the Bills are running Tashard Choice, whom I thought was retired.
12:48 - Aha, it was DeMarco Murray for the Boys' score. Good news! Oh, look, another CJ2K highlight! For a seven-yard loss. Parity.
12:51 - This note on the Bengals: AJ Green is unbelievably talented. And if he gets hurt, ever, their entire season is over.
12:52 - Jake Locker to Jared Cook for a 61 yard score. Because this is the week I gave up on Cook.
12:54 - Christian Ponder just tripped Adrian Peterson. Excellent analogy for when the Vikes eventually lose this game.
12:56 - Bengals fake FG. Which failed. Not a good sign for the second half....Christian Ponder just took a keeper a LONG way to increase the Vikings lead. So who's the best team in the NFL next week, then?
12:59 - LeRon Landry, the one Jet I like, is hurt. And maybe so is Devin Hester. The humanity.
1:00 - It doesn't seem like the Lions are even playing Kevin Smith at all. And I don't trust that at all, either.
1:01 - My whole left leg fell asleep - trying to walk it off, but we've got some troubles. This must be what it feels like for Ben Rothlisberger when he gets flushed out of the pocket.
 |
| This guy. Give. Him. Ball. |
1:03 - Steven Jackson is out of the game again for the Rams after a three yard outing or something. Should have run with Richardson. As for the Chiefs, I've now seen Matt Cassell miss throws on two or three certain scores.
1:05 - You can shut down the Lions, but you can't shut down Jason Hanson.
1:06 - I don't think there's a less exciting QB playing in this league than Josh Freeman. They should just have 'Meh' written on the back of his jersey.
1:07 - Tebow on a fake punt. God I can't wait for his nonsense to be out of the league.
1:09 - Is Trent Richardson playing today? What the hell, Browns. He's your guy.
1:10 - Unrelated, but I gotta get this off my chest: Who the eff gives a rat's ass what Jim Brown thinks about ANYBODY on the Browns? Great running back in the early 70s; now bitter old man. I've never seen any old bitterman get more press off what he thinks about guys on his old team. Of course, Brett hasn't been retired that long yet....
1:16 - RG3 having a rookie game so far. That could change.....also TOUCHDOWN TRENT RICHARDSON! Thanks for listening, fellas!
1:16 pt. 2 - David Akers just had an FG attempt blocked. The wheels are spinning off the bus, Captain Comeback. Better get your extra-motivation cap on for half-time......also, TOUCHDOWN MICHAEL BUSH in the Bears/Rams scrum.
1:17 - Pierre Thomas with a terrific catch, which he then got off the ground with and ran into the end zone untouched. Which brings up a related point, being that the Chiefs suck.
1:18 - More Cincinnati Wildcat! Touchdown Benjarvus. Get it together Skins, this is getting fugly.
1:20 - If Alfred Morris doesn't put Washington on his back, and soon, doesn't he realize he's going to vanish from the face of the Earth?
1:20 - Never mind on Pierre Thomas, sounds like he didn't catch it or something.
1:22 - As expected, Jake Locker is having his way with the Lions. WHO SWITCHED MY PILLS?
1:23 - You know how devastating Donald Brown is on the Colts? Mewelde Moore just appeared from 2006 and scored for the Colts.
1:24 - I knew I should have sat Griffin when Mikey Fabiano noted specifically that there was nobody outside of Drew Brees he would start over Griffin this week. Stupid buttbag.
1:25 - And here comes Evan Royster! That didn't take long.
 |
| Worth every penny. The teeth are, at least. |
1:28 - There's a lot a really good rookie kickers this year - Greg Zuerlein just put 3 on the board for the Rams from 56 yards. OOPS! Reggie Bush has also sustained a leg injury. Not a good day to be a league leader.
1:29 - Whenever we get near the half on most of these games, they make Hanson get into game breakdown/analysis. Which shows that we need to push for staggered halftimes.....Second Best Highlight of the Day! A ref threw his hat on the field in the Dallas game and tripped Ogletree with it in the endzone. I'm now on board with the replacement refs.
1:34 - I just noticed that when it's inside a helmet, Tony Romo's face looks like it's been drawn in an animation studio. Or possibly applied to his head via Silly Putty transfer.
1:36 - LeShoure seems to have had a decent debut thus far - 61 yards at the half. This will make it more crushing when he suffers a knee injury in the third quarter.
1:38 - Romo going for it all with 2 seconds left....AND....nothing.
1:39 - Niners/Vikes starting the second half....Niners already in scoring position thanks to 94 yard kick return from Kyle 'Death Threats' Williams. Yeah, remember that San Fran, when you were threatening to KILL a punt returner last year? Because I had almost forgotten that. Now I hope you lose. (No offense, Josh)
1:40 - And that all turned into a field goal. Pshaw.
1:42 - Hanson is pimping 'Touchdown Climax' again for the new viewers....and rolled that into the Quadbox Twitter challenge. And both are devastatingly scary with his new True Lies haircut.
1:44 - Somehow Dexter McCluster just caught a ball, which injured him, and then he dropped the ball without being touched, and then the Saints picked it up and ran it in for a score, but the whistle had blown the play dead. THIS ISN'T AFFECTING THE GAME AT ALL, ROG.
1:45 - LaRon Landry apparently wasn't hurt seriously, as he just picked off Ryan Tannehill and ran into the endzone. Don't throw on LaRon, Ry.
1:51 - MJD over a hundy and a long long trot for a score....meanwhile, the replacement refs are going to have to make a decision in the Saints/Chiefs game that they have no way of not looking like a-holes afterwards. Fantastic.
1:54 - And somehow, the final call was still wrong. ALFRED MORRIS WILL NOT BE SAT! Touchdown, your Washington Redskins.
1:55 - Brees - Graham- six. Also, Pierre Thomas would be a terrific running back on a team where he wasn't splitting carries with three other guys. San Fran charging back on the Vikes, Vernon Davis for six. Now taking a five minute break, I'm getting dizzy.
1:58 - Wait! Jets within the ten, Tebow at QB. Fake option or something, losing yards. Good. Tired of that guy. Sanchez back in....AND THROWS A PICK! No, Rex, this isn't a circus at all.
2:00 - Lions going to all 'all Calvin Johnson' scheme. That only took almost three weeks...but the touchdown is for the unstoppable Mikel LeShoure.
2:11 - Another FG in the Titans/Lions game. Who wants to start an all-kicker league? Bironas shanks it!
.jpg) |
| You are still not forgiven. |
2:13 - Touchdown Santana Moss! Then, up north, Touchdown Kyle Rudolph! (That's two for Kyle, and the only one Santana will have for the next month.
2:17 - Another Saints score, Brees to some guy I never heard of and you don't have on your roster.
2:18 - Darrelle Revis is injured. Flights to the Island have now been booked solid.
2:19 - Jets just wrapped a nice personal foul around a Dolphins' first down play....shot to the head after the receiver was down. Classy and controlled.
2:20 - Benjarvus - FUMBLE? The dream is dead. The dream is dead. Move your family to the fallout shelter.
2:21 - Niners' fumble, Minnesota recovery. Minnesota remains the juggernaut we've all feared these many years.....HOLY HELL. All of you questioning Jamaal Charles can suck one, 89 yards and 6 for JC. You benched him, didn't you. You are heathen.
2:23 - Wheedan to...um...Travis Benjamin? I think that's what they said....Browns will not lie down, better get your beard on, Fitz!
2:24 - 'Illegal Touching' in the Lions game, which, if I'm staying current with the law of the land, should get Titus Young 15 years with a chance of parole at 7.
2:25 - Rex Ryan could lose all his weight and his head would still look fat.
2:26 - Some Miami RB just scored six....and as I'm not up on the Fins' third string, I'm pretty sure they said his name is 'JAVORSKY' Lane. What the eff is that? That sounds like a place I'm trying to move away from.
2:28 - I apologize for that last one. That was weak. I can do better.
2:29 - I would go so far as to say, that Javorsky line was my Josh Freeman of One-Liners. Oh my, I forgot the Bears/Rams were still playing....
2:32 - CUTLER! HESTER! THROWN FIVE FEET TOO HIGH! I love you, Jay.
2:33 - The Bears are within the five, and they keep passing. Note: This is why you hired Michael Bush, Lovie. Stupid.
2:35 - Miles Austin is WAY better than Dez Bryant. Still. Why don't I learn? Bears took a 3 spot, because why not?
 |
| I Googled 'COPS Florida Methhead', and got this. Sunshine State! |
2:39 - Apparently Jocque Bell has maintained his backup role on the Lions - what does Kevin Smith keep effing up? Touchdown for the ageless Nate Burleson.
2:41 - And Burleson gets the two point conversion. This is why you used a first rounder on C.J. and your flyer on Titus Young. Oh, and why you took Brandon Pettigrew anywhere.
2:43 - If the Buccaneers were really any good, or half the other teams in this league, Dallas would be out of this game. As it is, they're still going to win. Bears take a bigger leader thanks to a Major Wright pick for six (that's the closest I'll come to saying it, and it's way too close).
2:45 - Stevie Johnson for six. Bills up by ten. That should be enough, wouldn't you think?
2:46 - Darius Reynaud just ran the length of the field on a kickoff return for the Titans. He also set up that other special teams touchdown earlier. And also has been the only RB I've seen move forward for the Titans. DYNASTY LEAGUE!
2:50 - Donald Brown is the Josh Freeman of starting Running Backs.
2:51 - If you're in a league where you're penalized for scoring touchdowns, by all means load your roster with Colts and Jags. And Adam Vinatieri just shanked a lead-taker. Or did he hook it? I get confused. AND TWO WEEKS IN A ROW: Andrew Hawkins breaks a mid-range play into a HUGE touchdown for the Bengals.
2:53 - The Vikings are still handily beating the 49ers. As per the master plan.
2:55 - Nate Washington just made the best catch-and-run there's going to be this week. Tennessee is no longer the worst team in football, but they still have the worst running back.
2:56 - This KC/New Orleans game is gonna end up going to the team that doesn't want it less.
2:59 - This week's Hot Waiver Wire Pickup You're Going To Regret? Nate Burleson, for the eight consecutive year.
3:01 - Dynasty Pickup of the Week You Won't Regret? T.Y. Hilton of the Colts....oh god, Tebow's in again for a play.
3:02 - The New York Jets have no business running a five-receiver set. And it's even more insulting to the sport when it includes Tebow in the slot.
 |
| 'That'll do, Schwartz, that'll do.' |
3:08 - No effing idea what's going on in the KC/NO game - apparently Brees got hit in the end zone and dropped it, or something, so the Chiefs got a safety, and the ball, and free tickets to Jersey Boys and a Blu-Ray copy of Carlito's Way, and a membership at Anytime Fitness. These new rules are fuzzy.
3:11 - They keep going back to the Jets/Dolphins every minute, and I swear a different team has the ball every thirty seconds - are they on some Super-Overtime One Down And You're Done deal? Because that sounds terrific.
3:12 - Alex Smith pick leads to Vikes win. It's all starting to even out.....
3:14 - Chaz Schilens is still in the league? And did I spell that right?
3:15 - I swear to god, if the Jets win this game on the back of Shonn Greene, I'm writing a terse letter.
3:16 - The Chiefs can still win this game. Glad the Saints spent all that offseason time distracted by the suspensions of four of their defenders, one of whom is a Brown, one of whom is unemployed, and one of whom immediately went on the PUP list.
3:18 - Shaun Hill to CJ to put Lions back in game - immediately followed by a successful onside kick recovery. They will not lie down.
3:19 - Shaun Hill still in game. You'd think Stafford would be more durable with all that extra face padding.
3:20 - HOLY HELL. Hail Mary bomb with no time left on the clock, and Titus Young catches it in the end zone. And in the Redskins/Bengals game, RG3 is attempting to do the same....AND IN THE JAGS/COLTS, CECIL SHORTS JUST PROBABLY WON THE GAME WITH LIKE NO SECONDS LEFT ON THE CLOCK OR SOMETHING. Oh, who cares? Jags/Colts. Call it a tie.
3:22 - 45 seconds left. So the Never Say Die Colts are still in this. 7 seconds left for the Skins, with some double penalty nonsense. These replacement refs wouldn't have any issues if all these games could just be blowouts.
3:25 - Bengals win, Cowboys gonna win, Chiefs taking the Saints to overtime. Grim.
3:26 - So it looks like Lions/Titans and Saints/Chiefs both going into OT. And Greg Schiano had the line rush the Cowboys on the kneeldown. Mark my words, this bullish*t from Schiano is going to cost the Buccaneers a lot of calls, and games, going forward.
3:27 - T.Y. Hilton with a huge catch - so much for Donnie Avery.
3:29 - Colossal PI call against the Jets as Miami was charging.....also, Jags beat Colts. Yay.
3:30 - AND....Miami/Jets also going to OT.
3:31 - Huge Titans catch, plus a Lions helmet-to-helmet penalty on top of the football sundae! Because your team doesn't have a control problem, Schwartz.
3:34 - Why do the Cardinals have blue jerseys on? And how did they already score a touchdown?
3:36 - HORRIBLE Call in the Titans game. Still got the PI, but somehow disallowed a catch that never hit the ground.
3:39 - Jacquizz Rodgers with the Falcons score.
3:40 - Cards are up by ten. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
3:41 - Heath Miller with another touchdown for the Steelers, continuing his yearly dominance of the TE position. Is this milk expired?
3:42 - These OT games need to end, I need a ten minute break....TEN goes up by three.
3:44 - Shawn Draughn may just fumbled the Saints to victory. Welcome back to the 2 hole, Peyton.
3:45 - Eff it. Back in fifteen, maybe. ...wait, McFadden with 64 yards for a score. Thank god.
3:46 - Oh, and Andre Johnson just scored on a three-mile long pass play.
3:52 - Tennesse won when Shaun Hill fumbled on fourth down.....as long as it's over. Back after the break....
3:56 - THE CHIEFS DIDN'T WANT IT LESS!
 |
| 'Starring: Dan Carpenter' |
3:59 - Remember when I told you to sit Heath Miller? I was very very wrong. 2nd TD. Glad I just dropped him in a league.
4:00 - Vick. Sucks. Bring in that kid. It can't hurt.....
4:02 - Nick Folk finally ends that effing....NO HE DIDN'T! BLOCKED! Except there was a time-out from the Dolphins that prevented that from being an actual play. Good job with the icing, Philbin.
4:04 - Nick Folk finally ends that effing game.
4:05 - Texans/Broncos - 7 to 5. Five?!?
4:06 - Arian Foster, making it 13 to 5. Hope they go for two, because 15 to 5 would be the best score that never happened.
4:08 - Scott Hanson should get a pair of those kick-ass red shades that Cyclops wore in X-Men.
4:10 - I can't wait for Tony Gonzalez to retire so that I can stop not drafting him because he's done and then he beats me during the year.
4:11 - Steelers get a great run back from Antonio Brown negated because of, I think, 'Name Calling', and 'Ill-Fitting Pants' against the return team.
4:13 - Kevin Kolb to Larry Fitzgerald. The Eagles look ridiculously outmatched so far.
4:17 - Pat Lee is a starting CB for Oakland. Pat Lee never went higher than the 5th QB his entire career with the Packers. Now I understand why Oakland is having trouble.
4:18 - Is Will Ferrell playing the part of Ben Rothlisberger again?
4:20 - And a 52 yard striked to Kevin Walter - because of course the Texans are airing it out today, on account of Matt Schaub hates me.
4:33 - And thus the first 'Nick Foles' mention I've heard of the day....I expect more.
4:36: - The Eagles are in an unbelievable amount of trouble. That sack/fumble better take Vick out of the game so this week isn't a complete embarrasment.
4:39 - And Jonathan Dwyer just cleared the path for Rashard to step right back into the starting lineup. Hurry on back now, Mendy!
4:40 - Nate Irving of the Broncos just may have concussed himself or worse tackling the Texans returner - and that just about sums up the Denver outing today. Hope the dude is alright, the fall to the ground did not look promising.
4:44 - CARSON PALMER BOOTLEG. He's deadly, like snake. Or snake-based boots.
4:45 - Irving is up for Denver - that's about the only good thing that's happened for them in the last two hours. And you're telling me Tebow was winning with this squad?
4:46 - Jamaal Charles ran for 233 today? Considering he's losing all those carries to Hillis, that means Peyton got like 180, right?
 |
| And by 'your mother' we mean Hines Ward, obviously. |
4:52 - Terrific interception by the Broncos. Now Schaub is finally settling in to play some Schaubball.
4:56 - When Ben-Ben waves his hands all around to hurry the team to the line, he looks a lot like Big Bird sometimes.
4:57 - Broncos bring themselves up to 11. Because that's a normal score.
5:00 - That Steve Sabol piece is the best football we're going to see this year. That guy was amazing, period.
5:08 - Outside of the Steelers/Raiders, this whole afternoon is blowouts....and that means it's time for me to sign off for the day. The family needs me, or something....thanks for joining me again, and please join us again next week for more RedZone fun!
No comments:
Post a Comment