Live From the Zone...The RedZone Week One

by Matt Prendergast

Scott Hanson is broadcasting straight from Heaven.

Alright...trying something new this year. Here's the deal, and if you have NFL RedZone, you can skip ahead, but as a diehard football aficionado, it's simply the only thing that'll replicate that feeling that meth addicts must have when they don't mind that seventh tooth falling out.

Every game, no commercials, hosted by the affable Scott Hanson and all wrapped up near the five o'clock hour with a montage that is only aptly described as 'The Orgasm of Touchdowns'. In short, it'll make you forget to go to the bathroom for 6 hours.

So today, I'm gonna dive in and throw up the thoughts and smartassery as it hits me...feel free to refresh early and often......this might suck, or it may be brilliant. Probably the suck. Here we go...

12:03 - Important fantasy note: 'Stevie Johnson is active with a sore groin'. That's the regular season kids....Stevie's a gamer, on and off the field.

12:04 - One minute in, three games already. I may pass out.

12:05 - TEBOW IN THE SLOT?  Is that what I saw? Right to the Bears game.....One play, one sack on Cutty. Good improvements on the line Chicago.

12:07 - I've seen two plays in the Jets game, and already this Tebow/Sanchez offensive plan looks like it's going to quickly devolve into a circus of nothing but monkeys on blow.

12:10 - 'Griffin to Garcon'.  Get used to that.

12:11 - And our first interception of Mark Sanchez's young season. Vintage Favresque.

12:12 - My first glimpse of Falcons and Chiefs indicates I might have been wrong picking the Chiefs. Touchdown Julio.

12:13 - Maybe the Saints D isn't very good or something, but they've been showing a lot of this game, and the Skins look polished and great.

12:14 - Janoris Jenkins picks off Stafford in the end zone. That's two picks and one TD across the board, if I'm following, though the Cepacol might be making me dizzy.

It's lonely for you, ain't it Jay?

12:15 - 3 PICKS! This one for 6! You guessed it: CUTTY! Good luck this year Chicago.

12:18 - There's another  pick - Crazy Fitz to Revis. This is going to be a great year.

12:20 - So far, one Touchdown. Maybe two if the Texans get a good review on a LeStar Jean catch.....But BLAINE GABBERT IS THREATENING!

12:21 - No-go for LeStar. Doesn't get the call, and also Scott Hanson just pronounced his name 'Lester'.

12:23 And....Jags fall short. FG....hang on, think Jets are TOUCHDOWN! Sanchez to some guy I never heard of. You've already turned it around, Jets. I apologize.

12:25 Brees to Graham for TD. Barring an injury, Graham is dang near indefensible. In other Graham news at Houston/Miami - Shayne Graham misses a boot. Same old Shayne Graham. Very defensible.

12:27 - Quick RedZone 'in studio' update....they're doing new Double Boxes this year...also the ticker now has fantasy stats. Who cares? MICHAEL BUSH TOUCHDOWN IN CHICAGO! REGGIE BUSH FUMBLE IN MIAMI! Things are starting to stabilize.

12:29 - Taking a break. Need sammich.

12:32 - Griffin to Garcon - 88 yard touchdown. You all should have listened to me.

12:32 - Brady to Hernando....And some things are the same. Gronk set that up. I'm gonna copy and paste this one a bunch.

12:33 - Still need sammich.

12:34 - 2 PICKS FOR RYAN FITZ! Gonna be a long year already....

12:42 - Mark Sanchez is the greatest quarterback who ever lived. Another long one for 6. Buffalo has a coverage issue.

12:43 - I might not make it through this.....the Browns are still beating the Eagles. Vick has not looked particularly adequate at all so far.

12:45 - Props to Kevin Moore of The Fantasy Football Guys - Matt Cassell looks good, touchdown to Kevin Boss. In Indy/Chi news, Donald Brown looks like he sucks.

'Hey Matt, I told you you were a douche!'

12:49 - Alfred Morris is still the RB getting the most carries in Washington, and also is wearing a license plate on the back of his uni.

12:51 - Jets are pasting the Bills. Special Teams TD. Holy crap, were we all wrong?

12:57 - Julio Jones and Brandon Marshall both with TD receptions. Your draft picks were well spent. Julio is awesome. Also, The Pats D doesn't seem to suck like usual....

1:01 - The family has elected to go to Jimmy John's - finally a sammich resolution we can all believe in.

1:02 - With Fred Jackson hurt, CJ Spiller just laid claim to his job - huge run for the score, the Bills needed something like that to happened.....Also Jamaal Charles just broke off a 46er - he's fine.

1:03 - Andrew Luck with the bomb pick. I'm going to enjoy seeing today's picks v. TDs stats.

1:06 - Matt Cassell on the keeper for the score. He's known for his elusiveness and the quick feet. What?

1:08 - 'Billy Cundiff, the former Saint..' How about 'the former kicker for everybody'?

1:09 - Cortland Finnegan - pick to the house....wait, flag.....Nope, against the Lions. BELIEVE IN THE RAMS!

1:13 - Of all the rookie QBs starting today, Ryan Tannehill is the one bringing down the curve. You realize that Wheedon't is playing too, right? But you're the one bringing the curve down.

1:15 - And there's your first Gronkdown of the season. Probably. Gonna review....but if they overturn it, Gronk's gonna eat one of the scab refs.

1:16 - New York Jets' Jeremy Curley is your hot waiver wire pickup for the upcoming week.

1:19 - Stafford almost threw pick #3 a minute ago....FEAR THE MUSTACHE.

1:20 - And there's your first Arian Foster score of the year......

1:21 - Followed by AD's first - I told you Bobby!

1:22 - Followed by DONALD BROWN? I'm sorry Don!

1:25 - There's your second Arian Foster TD of the year. Wow.

1:26 - WHEEDENBOMB COMPLETE! To Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. Good try, though!

1:28 - We've hit the halfway mark...need a ten minute break. Family is questioning my loyalties, apparently they never read the contract.

1:29 - But first, Brandon Marshall is who we thought he was. This is going to be dangerous in the NFC North. Set up the touchdown for Earl Bennett.

1:38 - Eagles look to have regained footing. Great hurl to Maclin. Second half should get ugly for Cleveland.

1:40 - And Maclin with 6. Thanks for hanging in there, Browns.

1:41 - When did I miss the Andre Johnson touchdown? So far, all the brand name guys are showing up strong....except for Calvin, but he's got a whole half to work.

1:44 - The Colts are hanging in this game....whoops, Vinatieri just shanked a gimme. Never mind.

Plus, look at that hat!

1:45 - AD.  2nd touchdown. They're gonna work him in slowly.

1:48 - Scott Hanson is now talking about the QuadBox. And wrapping it into using Instagram and Tweeting a picture of the Quadbox to win something. DON'T EFFING RUIN THIS NFL MARKETING.

1:49 - Mike Turner, 18 yards for the day.  Yeesh.

1:50 - Great catch by the Titans Jared Cook. Glad I drafted him in every league.

1:52 - Both of my legs are asleep. This is going to break bad. Maybe the girls can bring in CJ Spiller to help with the laundry. Also, Nate Washington for a Titans score.

1:52 - Matt Ryan scores on the sneak. Still don't care for him.

1:53 - Shanny has no fear. This is terrific...second time going for it on 4th and 1...two flags, whatever the outcome, worth the effort.

1:55 - PI in the end zone on the Saints. Crushing.

1:56 - Probably wasn't PI. Whatever.....Alfred Morris for 6.....now let's see what RyFitz can do...3RD PICK! And that's for six. BRING IN TAVARIS.

1:59 - Blaine Gabbert running full-out looks like an instant replay.

2:00 - Gonzo TD after Chiefs turnover. This one's out of hand, and where's Dwayne Bowe? That's why you didn't get your monies, son.

2:03 - We've hit a lull, but I'm hitting this sammich, so it's all good.

2:06 - And there's our first 'Replacement Refs' horrifying call in the Titans/Pats game. This is why replay review is a great thing. Also, the Jets have just passed the 40 point mark.

2:08 - Forte for 6, Bears look to be for real.....against the Colts.

2:09 - Cassell pick, the Falcons/Chiefs game is over - reviewed Titans/Pats call fixed a horrid call. The Redskins are in position to score again, much like we assumed they would be all day. Huh?

2:11 - Third Tannehill pick today. Wonder if Garrard is still in the Rolodex?

Damn. It.

2:12 - Per Bleacher Report, Fred Jackson has a sprained LCL. Note to self: stop drafting RBs named 'Fred'. They're all doomed.

2:15 - Stevan Ridley - 100 yards and a score. Typical Pats RB behavior.

2:17 - Wheeden to Rodgers-Cromartie again! This hook-up is unstoppable! (Note to Browns - might check into Brandon's color-recognition skill set)

2:18 CJ Spiller is not intending to give Fred his job back, apparently.

2:20 - Fitz - Chandler - Score. The Bills are back in this, only 28 points to go. Unrelated - did the Eagles practice any offense in the preseason, or did they just figure it was all good-to-go?

2:22 - Nate Washington injured. Kenny Britt just and Kendall Wright just became equally important going forward. WAIT, Locker's down too. Things just got grim in Tennessee. Hasselbeck's coming back.

2:29 - Luck picked off in the end zone. Another day, son, another day.

2:30 - Here. Come. The Saints.

2:33 - Maybe not. London Fletcher is still tremendously underrated.

2:34 - RAMS JUST TOOK THE LEAD AGAIN! Brandon Gibson, great hands there. I told you so.

2:37 - Has Rob Bironas always been so teeny?

2:41 - Taking a break. Need a shower. Back soon. Also, RG3 needs to find Garcon again.

2:45 - WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE EAGLES? Again.

2:55 - Cecil Shorts! Jags take the lead! Cecil Shorts! You can't stop the BlaineTrain.

2:56 - The Mustache has got the crank face on. Let's do this St. Louis.

2:57 - Mike Vick Tanks. Bring the hook.

2:58 - Donnie Avery sighting!

2:59 - Holy crap. That rookie kicker for the Vikes just erased Ryan Longwell from the minds of everybody in Minnesota. That was ice-cold.

3:00 - Now I see the problem with Buffalo; Ryan's clean-shaven. Get that ferret back on your chin, Fitz! I thought you were a team player.

3:01 - Chad Greenway definitively isn't somebody I'd want to eff with. Pretty sure he just scared that coin into flipping itself to the Vikes favor.

Mustache.

3:02 - Another rookie kicker - this time with the Rams - shows ice-cold nerves. But I think the Mustache was holding the ball.

3:05 - TRISCREEN! If I take a pic of this and Twitter it to you, do I travel through time Scott Hanson?

3:08 - Nailbiter in Detroit. This is gonna be tight.

3:09 - Effing Kevin Smith. Touchdown. No Mustache for you.

3:10 - Blair Walsh. Iceman. The Vikes just put the game in Blaine's hands. A think that's a decent call.

3:11 - Not today for the Rams. Next time through, they win this game. Different team and attitude under Fisher.

3:13 - FYI, this gets spotty in twenty minutes. Pack is on. I have priorities.

3:15 - Vikes win. So if the Pack loses, they're in last place in the North. So that ain't gonna happen.

3:19 - So the Jets obliterated the Bills. And yet, I still don't want any of them on my fantasy squad. Can't truss it.

3:22 - As expected, the Redskins will beat the Saints time and again.

3:23 - Alfred Morris with his second score, which guarantees he remains the Redskins' primary back at least through tomorrow.

3:25 - Clay Matthews starts off with a sack on the third play. Promising.

3:32 - The Eagles are stealing a game they shouldn't even have had starters in by this point.

3:34 - Aldon Smith sacks Rodgers then negates it immediately. Smart football.

3:36 - Here's the deal: Aldon Smith doesn't get that called if he doesn't toss the helmet. He does, so that's on him.

3:38 - Harbaugh is gonna have a coronary by the end of the first quarter.

3:39 - Based on his six touches thus far in the first series, Tampa Bay has adopted an 'All Doug Martin' offensive scheme. Which is probably a good call.

3:41 - Mike Williams, Tampa Touchdown. Vincent Jackson will be good for MW.

3:46 - Did I miss something? Is Gore hurt? Why is Kendall Hunter the only guy I'm seeing run for the Niners?

3:53 - That's it for me this week....need to focus on the Packer game....we'll be back next week with more fun, thanks for joining me!

-MP