Not gonna lie to you; that was refreshing. Betwixt the holidays, two birthdays, missing the playoffs in five of six fantasy leagues clearly due to collusion amongst the NFL Players Association and God, and 'chronic lethargy', Matty needed a few minutes to himself.
Then last week happened, when my mighty Green Bay Packers exhibited exactly why it pays to run through some hands drills when you're playing Madden franchise mode. Get bent, they're still a good team, albeit one that could use some education in 'covering the middle' and 'tackling'. We'll get to my personal feelings towards J-Fin and The Dropsies later this week, for now let's get to business of Conference Championship Week, since that's what you're here for!
THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP - The New York Football Giants @ The San Francisco 49ers
Team One: The Gints - Let's start with some honesty: the only reason I don't hate the Giants more is because the Jets exist. This isn't a personal grudge because of last week - they won that game, fair and square. And I won't even go with a 'the Packers beat themselves' cop-out, because the truth is that big games are won by not making errors, and that's exactly what the Giants did. No, my dislike of the Giants runs a boiling red for different reasons.
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| Secretary for the U.S. Department of Douchery |
1) I hate Eli Manning having any success whatsoever. Every single time this guy gets it together, it's another horrifying strike towards unionizing petulant and spoiled little brothers the world around. He will never, ever shake that draft day bullsh*t that he and old Arch pulled on the Chargers. To wit, it's that very thing that serves as the only reason I like Philip Rivers more than E.
2) I do not want to see a man have a stroke on national television, just the idea is a sadness sandwich. And if we keep letting Tom Coughlin drive deep into the playoffs, we're all going to witness just that - and that is going to ruin January football for everybody, forever. For the sake of Coach Coughlin's loved ones, and for the betterment of the NFL, we need to stop the madness.
3) Michael Strahan. Yes, I get that he's retired. But the sooner the Giants plummet to below-average, the sooner Gappy stops being on Subway commercials with Facekick Suh, and somehow bringing the already unbearable Fox Pregame Show down to dumber levels. In short: You are on a set with Terry Bradshaw, and he is the smarter one. The only reason I want Ray Lewis to retire is so he can take that seat from Mikey and go on to team with Howie Long in a full-on takeover of that entire program - and if you don't think that's not good TV, then go back to your Downtown Abbey, lady.
Pros - Those receivers are good. Real good. 'I'd-love-to-see-all-three-of-them-in-different-unis' level good. Won't happen, Hakeem feels like a career Giant, and Cruz puts asses in seats. At least Manningham will invariably leave town for Minnesota or Seattle where he'll follow it up by promptly falling off the face of the earth. The run game is serviceable - and that's all it is, don't tell me different. Defense looks tough, kind of like I thought they would when I drafted them at the beginning of the season, when they 'weren't', in a manner of speaking....and (sigh) Eli isn't making a bunch of mistakes. Yet.
Cons - I can't help but feel that last week's game was as big an emotional rush as these guys can fire together. Yes, they're 'putting it all together at the right time', which can do great things. What can also do great things is 'putting it all together the entire year', which is what their opponent has done. Also, Jake Ballard is a poor man's Kevin Boss. Think about that for a minute.
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| Another 'Insanity=Success' argument |
Team 2 - NINERS! Sure Jim Harbaugh seems half-insane sometimes, so do I, what of it? Whatever he's done, in one year, is take all the parts and pieces that Mikes Nolan and Singletary left just sitting around the yard rusting away and built a kick-ass '72 Dodge Charger with all sorts of chrome on it, and mag wheels and those fuzzy dice on the rearview that look totally boss. Pros?
Alex Smith - American Inspiration. These last five years have been a bitch of a thing for a lot of us; economic strife and unemployment have crushed a lot of dreams....now get a load of this guy. Alex Smith, since being taken with the first overall pick in 2005 five, has lost his job on three separate occasions (yes, I get that he had shoulder problems, but let's be straight - every time he left the rotation, the world assumed he was never coming back and breathed a little easier). And every time, he was instantly outplayed and outperformed by the most magnificent array of washouts and third stringers this side of the Chicago Bears pre-Cutler. Trent Dilfer. JT O'Sullivan. Shaun Hill. Troy Smith. That's an entire conference of starting arms for the United Football League, not NFL leaders. And all the while, every goddang interview that guy had to gut through was just laced with the stank of Aaron Rodgers and subliminal suggestions to maybe think about an insurance career. And the fans HATED him - don't pretend you didn't, we remember.
And you know what AS did? He kept going. Over and over and over....and now, he's bringing his special brand of 'moderate' to a championship game. The American Samurai of Average. Never give up, never surrender, kids.
Here's another crazy fact: It's January, and Frank Gore is still not injured. Harbaugh must have some hook-ups in the world of the voodoo ritual, because nobody could have seen that coming. The whole team seems to have that elusive ability to 'not give up'....like that ridiculous 'Captain Comeback' mystique that Harbs used to tote around somehow acquired the properties of transference. I like Vernon Davis and all, but what he did to the Saints was criminal - this is Vernon Davis we're talking about? Remember when he was a showboater with no team-building characteristics who seemed to value his image way more than hard work and improving his performance? Wait, when did I start talking about Finley? Back on topic: Davis is as lethal as they come in a position that features game-breakers across the league, and he's got that 'heart of a leader' spilling all out of him
Cons - Well, it still doesn't seem real, does it? Until I actually don't see Alex Smith choke in a huge game I can't believe---oh wait, that happened last week. Never mind.
WINNER: 49ers - they've been consistently tougher all year long, and they still are flying under the radar. Not after this one, it'll be back-to-back respect commanders.
THE AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - The Baltimore Ravens @ The New England Yankees
Team One: The Baltimore Ravens - Lemme give you the skinny here, B-more: did you see what the Giants did to Green Bay last week? Okay, good. You're better on Defense, and you have a way-better running back. Also, Flacco needs this one from the rest of you guys - if you're only doing it so he knows that Rothlisogre is home crying and punching holes in his garage, that's fine. It should be plenty.
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| Siragusa will do anything for free wings |
Pros - If there's one defense more porous than Green Bay's it's suiting up for the Pats. And the Pats don't even have one name-brand world-beater on that whole side of the ball - you know that's true. Name one. Come on. Wilfork? Mayo? McCourty? Not a one is game changer. Ray-Ray has an all-clear for over 200 all purpose yards this week. And the Ravens are the only team, defensively, that can drop the hammer on Team Offensive Strike. This is Ray Lewis' last stand, and I can't wait to see what he has in store for Gronk.
Cons - You're spotty. You have been all year long, like you're trying to out-think yourselves all of the time. Note to Other Harbaugh - if you've been thinking about dicking around and starting this game off by trying some different stuff to catch New England off-guard: Don't. Stop trying to cram a pig into a wedding dress just so somebody calls you pretty, the end result is always uncomfortable and sad. Use the pass to support the run. Blitz. Hurt some guys. Above all else, resist the urge to get fancy and show up with the intention of becoming a finesse team. Smash. Mouth.
Team Two: The New England Patriots - I don't hate the Pats as much as I used to. Brady seems like a decent enough guy for a billionaire with weird hair decisions, and Welk is the best player the Dolphins ever didn't know what to do with. But I do still hate Emperor Belichick, and always will. That said, there is no more terrifying team left in the playoffs, and if they get past the Ravens, just start fitting the rings.
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| Ahh....the classics. |
On the Pro side of things; you already know it. Tom Tremendous, Wes, Branch and Gronk. And if they aren't happening, Benjarvis or any of the other half-dozen running backs will sneak up and shiv you. This has been the mark of this team for a decade - it's an arsenal. I still wouldn't be surprised if Ocho doesn't come out of nowhere to make a mark - it's not like anybody's been planning for him for some time now. That's the ideal set-up for a classic Belichick gambit.(EDIT: Please to ignore this last part in regard to betting purposes, as 85 has been delcared inactive. Or maybe BB has figured out a loophole.) And also for a subsequent month of inane Twitter declarations from Eight Five, but Double B will deal with that part during the offseason cuts. Because rest assured, The Chad hasn't made his last stop on this football journey. Get ready Jacksonville!
Cons: That. Defense. Sucks.
WINNER: Ravens, at the wire. (Obligatory The Wire reference? Check.)
That's all for now kids....join me next week for an in-depth look at the Pro Bowl! No you won't. However, I will be back for the Super Bowl, and off-season meanderings on the state of the Pack. Stay tuned....
Follow me @amazingmattyp on the Twitters.
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