Throwdown XV: Off With Their Heads

by Matt Prendergast, currently sitting by the phone awaiting a call from Scott Pioli

artist's rendering

Well, how about that! I'm not one for much self-tooting, but I do take some solace in my column of one week ago in which I specifically picked the Eagles to roll over the Dolphins based on one reason: somebody needed to make sure Tony Sparano got the heave.....and brother my brother that didn't take long. Job well done, Iggles! Been quite awhile since anybody told you that, but you deserve the accolade. Mountain Man Haley got the one-finger-salute too, which I maybe didn't see coming, as after that miserable first month the Chiefs were at least sorta competing in games here and there with a roster half-comprised of United Football League cast-offs and paper cut-outs held together with Scotch tape.® We wish both these gentlemen luck in their future endeavors.

But you knew all that already....let's get to the fights!

Jaguars @ Falcons - Thursday Night Football - now expanding to anger even more Time-Warner and Cablevision customers!  YAY! To celebrate, this week NFL Network will be providing you with an excellent time to get some gift-wrapping or sleeping done. MORE YAY! The Jags have a new owner, a still pretty-new interim head coach, and the same new Blaine Gabbert with no receivers anybody ever drafts even as a back-up in fantasy football. And they once again aren't playing for anything, while the Falcons are bound and determined to sneak into a wild-card slot for a nationally televised blanket party in their honor in January. In the meantime ATL fans, enjoy the false hope.  The Win Goes To: Falcons

Cowboys @ Buccaneers - I'll give the 2011 'Boys this: they sure keep a fella guessing. I careen all the way from thinking 'these guys look terrifying' to 'these guys look terrified', sometimes within the same series. I have a sneaking suspicion they're actually pretty good, but they're saving up their best for something...what that 'something' is does not lay within my conceptual grasp, but I'll bet it's exciting! I know this: they're going to walk out of this week looking like world-champeens, thanks to this gimme scrum against the Suckaneers. Who. Are. Awful. The Win Goes To: Dallas

Dolphins @ Bills - If I may take a moment to speak for all members of the fantasy football community and/or Bills fans worldwide: Ryan Fitzpatrick, you can go to hell. The Win Goes To: THE NEW FINS!

I am now terrified of rainbows and candy.

Seahawks @ Bears  - Sara R, I hope you're reading this: I LOVE THESE SEAHAWKS. I don't know how they are suddenly winning games with force, and it's way too late for their own salvation, but goddang I see no way they aren't trampling the crap out of the Bears, physically and figuratively. And so will end a once-promising Bears season, yet again. They should maybe just rename themselves 'The Chicago Football Cubs'. Did anybody even think to ask Caleb Hanie if he ever actually threw one of those footsballs before? Rhetorical question. Tavaris Jackson thinks that kid's a chump....and SkittleBeast Grillpiece is going to spend the better part of two hours showing Marion Barber everything MB3 was supposed to be back in Dallas. The Win Goes To: Seattle


Panthers @ Texans - If the Bengals couldn't beat the Infirmary Ward of Destiny at home, the Carolina FallShorts aren't going to a week later on the road. Next year, with a couple smart pick-ups and barring catastrophe, the Camthers are going to be dangerous. Next year. Right about now, Lil' Stevie Smith ought best start phoning it in, or coming up with a suspicious knee pain, just to save the wear and tear. The Win Goes To: Houston


The Win Goes To: Titans (@ Colts)

Packers @ KC Ortons - And so the 2011 Crucifiction of Kyle Orton will continue. That dude must have a soul built by Timex, because most men would have gone Slapshot by this point with the amount of crushing overhands laid on top of them. Really, you're going to debut your future QB (because, again, he should be) in this? Guess what? The Packers are not intending on coasting, AT ALL. Give Carson Palmer a call if you'd like an objective opinion. Winner: Pack


Saints @ Vikings - Oh, come on... The Win Goes To: Saints and all other regional markets

Redskins @ Giants - There's a part of me that thinks that the Redskins have a great shot at playing semi-spoiler as the Giants grasp to a precarious division lead. That's the same part that thinks George Lucas may still make those last three Star Wars movies and that dragons might be real. We don't let that part out to the store by itself anymore and it's totally lost it's cellphone privileges.  The Win Goes to: Giants

Browns @ Cardinals - The Win Goes To: Absolutely Nobody, Because Friends Don't Let Friends Watch, Let Alone Play In, Horrible Horrible Games


Bengals @ Rams - Again, you have better things to do. Life's too quick, get out there and enjoy it. Make smart choices; take a walk, read to an invalid, eat a bag of carrots... live life, man! Winner of the Cakewalk of Week 15: Bengals


Lions @ Raiders - So that we're clear on the, the Loins did not win that Vikings game last week; that was the worst no-call I've ever seen. Joe Webb, the quarterback, holding the ball, during a live play, gets a free spinal adjustment from DeAndre Levy AND NOBODY IS LOOKING AT THAT PART OF THE PLAY. Sometimes people need a firing. The Raiders and the Broncos are still chasing each other for a division championship (Really? Is that right? Huh...how about that?), whilst Detroit is just hoping to curl into a ball holding a wild-card berth via 'lying still and hoping nobody notices'. If Detroit really wants a shot next year, then Jim Schwartz needs to be run out of town immediately following the season on a cart constructed only of all the wheels he let come off this bus the last few weeks, because don't kid yourself, it's his fault. Winner: RAIDER NATION!

Patriots @ Tebroncos  - Wait, what's that on your sign, sir?

Yep, that sums it up nicely

Hope that ride was awesome, Denver fans, because the park's closing in five minutes. You may score a bunch - heck, Double T might even throw for up-to-and-including 250 whole yards! - and none of that is going to matter. Because, though nary a word has been spoken, not even a peep, we all know one thing is an absolute truth walking into this: Bill Belichick thinks your whole run has been a bunch of bulls**t. And he doesn't cotton to bulls**t in his sport. The Bitter, Cold Coffee Will Be Delivered By: Pats


Jets @ Eagles - Okay, I get it...maybe it wasn't such a stretch to call the Eagles over the Dolphins...but over the Jets? Misery does love companions, and if there's anything that can get some Pro-Reid sentiment mildly smoldering, it's delivering a swift kick to the groinal area of Rex Footie's band of malcontents and putting them squarely back into 'scrambling desperately for a wild card' mode the rest of the year. This is going to be the best game the Eagles put together all season, just out of spite. Yeah, they'll probably still choke it away late in the fourth, but you aren't anything if you don't take a leap of faith once in awhile. The Win Goes To: The Philadelphia Spoiltrain


Ravens @ Chargers  - Hope you enjoyed the last two weeks' flirtations with mediocrity, Bolts, because you're about to start getting your head kicked in again. And then next week: Norv finally gets the hook. Thanks in advance Ray and Terrell! - love, San Diego. Winner: Ravens 

What Ben Rothlisberger sees in the mirror every morning

Steelers @ 49ers - The only logical explanation for why this is on ESPN's Monday Night Garbage is that somebody in the scheduling office must've assumed Jim Harbaugh was going to fail. I don't like Ben Rothlisberger, never have, just something about that guy has always made me ecstatic he's not on 'my team'....but I have to respect that dude's ability to play while technically dead on a near-weekly basis. Somehow that half-Shrek/half-John-Deere-tractor bullheaded lunk has found the cure for pain, and just refuses to share. Typical. I won't believe he's missing this game unless he's knocked unconscious by a low-flying giant robot condor, and even then it's 50/50. And for that reason alone (well, and that they kinda have to keep winning, the 9ers can lean back for a bit, and maybe should think about doing so before Frank Gore blows a hip on the big-screen TV in front of everybody), The Win Goes To: Pittsburgh


Now let's all get out their and consume our own body weight in meat!

For more glimpses into a troubled mind, why not follow @amazingmattyp on the Twittery Thing!