Throwdown XIV: Footballs Express Edition

by Matt Prendergast, filled with glee and candy canes

Welcome back to me! Quite a few folks (2) peppered my inbox with queries as to where last week's column was.  Let me tell you straight: the holiday season takes a toll on us all.  So rather than deprive my chillin's of the special joy that is 'me swearing incessantly at an artificial tree', week 13 was a second bye. Plus, I'm not going to lie to you, Thursday Night Football screws my whole schedule up.

Crying bitter tears of rum 

But on that note, how about them Browns? I think in next year's draft, they should try to limit their selections to 'football players', and that'll get things off to a nice start. The entirety of the second half, the Steelers could run exactly TWO PLAYS: a run to Mendie, or a shotgun heave down field by a cyborg ogre. And with that intricate planning, they handed you your ass. Somehow, that was worse than the entirety of the Colts' season.

I gots a work holiday party today, so this's gonna be brief; Let's hit it!

Colts @ Ravens -  Jesus A. Modell in a manger. 'Tis certainly the season for giving, and you can bet your paycheck that the Ravens are going to be in the holiday mood; expect them to give the Colts a plentiful and merciless beating. This premeditated killing spree shouldn't be televised during hours when children might accidentally see it, it just feels morally wrong during this season of peace and love. Win: Ravens

Falcons @ Panthers - Congrats Carolina!  You won two games in a row that you were supposed to, and NOW your rookie QB is calling the rest of you soft and squishy. Awesome pep talk, Cam....should have broken out the inspirational 'play to my level' bs about 6 losses ago. Also, you aren't playing for anything anymore, whilst the Falcons are - and they're better - so that 'toughen up' talk, along with eight gallons of gas, will get you a buck off your car wash at local participating BP stations in the Raleigh-Durham area.  Winner: Falcons


Vikings @ Lions - I am totally disappointed in this game already, because I'm pretty sure the Vikes aren't so completely stupid that they're actually going to run Ponder out there when he isn't healthy. But then I remember, 'oh hell yes they are!'. This is the perfect storm of NFC North December showdowns: The Vikings have absolutely nothing to play for other than screwing over the Lions. Any sensible team would leave AD and Ponder sit for another week (and they may indeed do that in AD's case), but the chance to push a shiny button and drop another nail in the Annual Detroit Coffin Assembly Line is going to be too much to resist and they are going to play this one like a team possessed by fire demons. Winner: Vikings

'It tastes like dirt, feet and Marv Lewis' shirt all smooshed up'

Texans @ Bengals - The Texans have held it together pretty well considering they're starting a dude who up until two weeks ago served the sole purpose of 'locker room towel rack' in their scheme. Andre keeps getting hammy pulls from jogging downfield with nobody on him, and Kevin Walter (the other other Wes Welker) is sick with a flu bug, or bad circulation from wearing his pants' backwards or some such tripe. That leaves you Jacoby 'THIS is his year' Jones and Derrick Mason and some other retread whom I'm not remembering at the moment and am too lazy to look up. You've got a great D, I'll give you that; so does Cincinnati.  Winner: THE BENGALS ARE GOING TO ABSOLUTELY KILL YOU THIS WEEK, HOUSTON.  I will never, ever, write that sentence ever again in this lifetime. It feels gross in the mouth.

Jaguars @ Buccaneers - I've said it before, but maybe never so emphatically: WHO CARES? Winner: Jaguars because, why not? The Bucs have got to be considered this year's most disappointing team (yes, more than the Dolts and the Rams and everybody else - these guys have been pretty much healthy in comparison and still sucked a tailpipe all year long).

The Philadelphia Failures @ Dolphins - Somebody needs to knock the Dolphins down a couple more times before the year ends in order to ensure that Tony Sparano isn't coming back. Time that with the fact that the Eags are destined to pull it all together WAY too late, and this one should be a high-scoring display of horrible football which cements firmly that Philadelphia is destined to piss off all their fans even more by suddenly 'getting the hang of things'.  Winner:  Eagles, because it completely doesn't matter anymore, so why not give the fans what they wanted before you broke two legs and were put to sleep in the starter's gate before the race ever started.

Seriously, man, there's NO need to rush back out there

ORTONS! @ Jets - When The Beard dislocated his finger on the first play he participated in as a Kansas City Chief, one couldn't have painted a better exclamation mark for his entire year.  I'm glad he's going to have to sit this week, because I think he's a good fit for this team (better than Cassell), and it would be a shame for him to have to get his face punched clear in during his first full week at the helm: that's what Palko is still there for. You can begin the Era of the Beard next week, so use this time to begin growing that thing back already.Winner: Jets, by a million.

Saints @ Titans  - The Titans sure are gritty, and Moneybags Johnson seems to finally have an idea what he keeps getting those checks for.  Ain't going to matter this week; steamroller is coming to Tennessee, gearing all up for the post-season.  Winner: Saints


Patriots @ Redskins - Good god.  Can you imagine if this and the Ravens/Colts game were back-to-back this week in any market? It would be like watching your 12 year old nephew play your grandfather in Madden for six straight hours, only considerably less entertaining due to the decreased chances of somebody participating having a stroke or being written out of a will.  Winner: Pats

Hanie: also not sure how it got past this point

49ers @ Cardinals - Terrific, they're finally going to televise executions.  The Cardinals have 5 wins this season.  I will copy and paste that sentence into next week's preview as well to save time. The eviction of Ken Whisenhunt is nigh, sinners repent! Winner: San Fran Second Seeds


Bears @ Broncos - Congrats Chicago!  You managed to find the one guy playing quarterback in the entire NFL who has less of a chance of completing twelve passes in a game than Tim Tebow.  And yours can't run. This 'professional' football game has all the markings of 'for diehard fans only' spray painted all over the team buses. You know what's not going to happen? Tebow isn't going to have a fourth quarter comeback; face it, it has to end sometime. That sometime will be this week, as they'll already have a lead going into the fourth, and they won't let it go.  Winner: Your Timver Bronbows


Raiders @ Packers - I've read a bunch of articles on the whys and hows behind how the Raiders can win this game.  I also read those before the Giants game, and it didn't matter then either. The Raiders will score; the Packers will score more. Doesn't help that Oakland doesn't have a premier TE, or that their three best receivers are constantly hurt.  Yes, I know, half the GB defense is hurt, and played like crap sandwiches when they weren't. IT DOESN'T MATTER, aren't you paying attention to this season at all? Winner: Pack


Bills @ Chargers - a/k/a The Which Flushes Down Faster Bowl brought to you by Liquid Plum'r. There might be a lot of mis-matches on this week's slate, but make no mistake about it: this is the least watchable game that's going to be broadcast anywhere. The Freeway to Sucktown is often a lonely, desolate stretch....but not when you travel with a buddy! Thing here is, the Bills overplayed that first month or so of the season - they just weren't supposed to be all that good this year from the get-go, so I can cut them the slack, they deserve that. On the flip side of the paper, the entirety of the Chargers should be fired. Except that kick returner, he looks awesome. Do you think he can play all the positions? Except for Mike Tolbert's, he can keep his. Winner: Bills


Giants @ Cowboys - Actually no snark or sarcasm here - this should be a tremendously fun game. Both squads are performing about at the same level, and desperately trying to get things gelled in time for a post-season shot...oh, and they hate each other.  Delicious! Game of the week, by a country mile....but I think the 'Boys just have a smidge more heart this year, and are grinding to the playoffs.  I think the Giants got the air kicked out of them in that Packer loss last week, and that's going to hang on in the stomach for a couple more weeks....Winner: The 'Boys

Save time and just read the novelization

Seahawks @ Rams - THIS is what ESPN coughed up 15 billion dollars to get more of? Somebody is stealing, and that somebody is Roger Goodell.  What a sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad match-up. Just disheartening. And they had to know this was going to be a horrifying showdown way back when they first scheduled it, right?  The Seahawks had signed TAVARIS JACKSON for the love of god.  And they're the significantly better team! That's not right, at all.  If I didn't think this was all an intricate plan that is designed to get Jaws and Gruden canned, I might even be pressed to write a terse letter to the NFL, but I do believe the ends justify the means, so keep at it until those two clowns are sent packing.  Winner: Seahawks


That's it for this week, get out there and have yourself a nice warm cider, kids!

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