Throwdown XII: The Rest Of The Lineup

By Matt Prendergast, who likes dip

Through some rip in dimensional law, I somehow went 3 for 3 on the Thanksgiving Day picks, which can only be regarded as a holiday miracle. Not content to leave good enough alone, let's proceed to ruining that unexpected hot streak.....this time with new 'quick picks because I have to run to the store' formatting, hooray!

I would wait a week for a significant price markdown

Vikings @ Falcons - So begins the Dawning of the Age of Gerhart. Why do I see no quivering? There was supposed to be quivering, I see it right here on the schedule....Hmmm. The Falcons will likely continue their middling ways, however I find it somewhat disturbing that their entire passing game revolves around an injured rookie and a 54 year old tight end. You know what? I feel jolly, and I really like Christian Ponder....but I'm still not medically impaired, so Winner: Falcons

Browns @ Bengals - Usually a terrific game, regardless of how miserable both squads are....not this year. I think we can agree on one thing here: there will be entirely too much orange on the field of play at all times. This sort of thing shouldn't be allowed by law. The Bengals needed a nice 'gimme' in their schedule after a rough month in which they emerged on the other end 'pretty okay'. The Browns need a complete hard-drive wipe and fresh install of their operating system. Here's your early holiday present, Red Avenger! Winner: Bengals

TUBBS SQUARED!

Buccaneers @ Titans - On paper, maybe the Titans look like the better team, but the Bucs hung with the Packers last week, more so than anybody else has mustered up until this point. The Titans might be the dullest team in the league this year....just 'okay' in all aspects of the game. So I'm giving the nod to the team with the guy that looks the most like Miami Vice's Philip Michael Thomas. Winner: Buccaneers

Panthers @ Colts - There is no quantifiable equation that indicates the Colts should suffer any stumbling block on their triumphant road to reverse-perfection this week. Cam, enjoy the feeling at the end of this, it's gonna feel new and uncomfortable but if you break it in, I think you'll find it fits. Winner: Carolina Camthers. THIS IS YOUR SUPER BOWL!!!!

Nope, still a crappy gift

Texans @ Jaguars - Welcome back, Andre Johnson! As a gesture of appreciation for how much you were missed, management went out and stood in line on Thanksgiving night and got you something extra special....go on, open it, can't wait to see your face.....SEE?!? It's a MATT LEINART!!! ISN'T THAT GREAT???? (Yeah, we know, you wanted a copy of Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, but the line was way too long). Regardless, the Texans were more or less tenderizing their opposition weekly without a tremendous passing game in the interim, and if Leinart brings one thing to the table, it's definitely 'without a tremendous passing game'.  Doesn't matter. Leinart is still the better quarterback on the field at the start and end of this. Winner: Texans

Bears @ Raiders - 'Member last week when I said the Bears would be the guys that were going to take one from the Packers? Yeah, that was before Caleb Hanie got the reins. I like Hanie, but he doesn't have that quintessential 'douche' quality that made Cutty the leader of this team....they'll still make the playoffs (assuming Josh McCown doesn't get his number called at any point in the next month), but it won't be with any real momentum. The Raiders are running a medical ward, especially in the receiving corp, but it hasn't seemed to matter.  Guess what? After all the hub-bub, looks like that Palmer trade was worth it. Winner: Raiders

Redskins @ Seahawks - I'd rather not make a call on this, so many bad things could happen here, on either side of the match-up. The probability calculators are melting. The one stable thing the 'Hawks have had in Marshawn Lynch (did I just call Marshawn Lynch 'stable'? Huh. How about that?) is going to have a rough match-up. The one stable thing the 'Skins had was Art Monk, and he hasn't been there since 1993. There is the possibility of over ten picks happening in this game, and the score still not breaking into the 20s for either team. Winner: Seahawks? Sure, why not.....

Sometimes the sages say it best

Bills @ Jets - All the helium sure came out of that balloon fast. Remember when the Bills looked fearsome? Feels like forever ago....this is the first time I recall that a Quarterback got paid and then immediately jumped aboard the Suck Train; that sort of plummeting spiral is usually the marked territory of a receiver, or a defensive end, or a running back for the Tennessee Titans.  Way to blaze new trails, Harvard! The Jets are fighting their own natural tendency to 'lose on account of Mark Sanchez isn't good', and making a serious run towards becoming a very dangerous team for the end run.  Winner: Jets

Cardinals @ Rams - Ugh. Winner: Rams, who I still think might finish second in their sad, sad division.


Patriots @ Eagles - Pats are playing the third-worst football in their own division as of late, probably because they can; that's the comfort you're allowed with a significant lead.  It doesn't matter. Here's an opportunity to slam shut the garbage can lid on the Ugles, and that's going to happen emphatically and often. Get ready for the Philly hate VY, it's gonna be all addressed to your inbox next week. Winner: Patriots

Tebroncs @ Chargers - I want to be totally clear on this: I think Teebs is a winner, personality and leadership-wise.tf I still don't think he understands 'throwing'. This has been a fun ride so far, but it will end, so brace yourself the day is nigh. But it's not this day. And to be clear, I don't think it's going to be because of the option, or Tebow's miracles, or anything the Broncos really do. It's going to be because the Chargers are bad, it just seems like nobody is willing to tell them to their face. Winner: Broncos

Hail To The Chief - image credit to my friend 'meathorse'

Steelers @ Chiefs - This is the Sunday Night game? Is ESPN running the Sunday game this week? No?  How wasn't this flexed out two months ago? SOMEBODY'S GETTING FIRED! The most important thing that this game will accomplish is relegating Tyler Manfro back to his rightful spot holding towels and looking over guys' shoulders, while paving the way for next week's glorious Return of The Beard.  Welcome to KC, Kyle...make this job yours for the keeping. Winner: Steelers

Giants @ Saints - And now this? ESPN got this? Somebody's doing somebody some bad favors all of the suddens. This is a great Monday Night game, one that will surely be ruined by Jon Gruden and Jaws somehow vehemently being on opposite but equally wrong sides of many a spirited and poorly thought out debate. So what I'm saying is: turn your sound down. But by all means, if you're going to stay up late for one Monday Night Football airing this year, this might be your last opportunity to ensure it's not categorized as 'Time Frittered Away Pointlessly'. The Saints need to start pulling away in their division to grab some of that precious momentum the kids are all abuzz about these days; The Giants need to keep scrapping for post-season opportunity. Maybe it's nostalgia, but I can't shake the feeling the Saints are better than they've looked, and the Giants are going to collapse in the next month.  Winner: Saints


Now go fix yourself a nice turkey pot pie!

For more sarcasm and meandering thoughts, please to follow @amazingmattyp on the Twitter....and for an extra bonus, feel free to check out Matty's adventures in holiday shopping at his own just-now-this-day resurrected from the ashes blog (much like Kyle Orton) Opinionated Misfits.

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