Throwdown XI and a Half: Insert Reference Here

by Matt Prendergast, 100% Steam Powered

Short on time , long on belligerence and semi-convincing opinions. COME OUT FIGHTING!

Bengals @ Ravens - Well, well, well....what do we have here? A fight for a tie of the division lead involving the Bengals? Didn't see that coming, and still not sure I believe it. Here's the deal, the Ravens keep telling us they have no idea why they keep showing up pulseless in games that should be blowouts. Super, we have no idea how you keep sucking in those games as well, so there's common ground. Cincinnati, on the other hand, just seems to shut their damn mouths in favor of  'planning', 'adjusting' and 'winning those games'. So that said, it seems blatantly obvious.  Winner: Ravens. They may be of the disappoint, but not to an Eagles-level: big game team wins big game.

Summed up nicely. On fists! I think I just pick this guy to win.

Jaguars @ Browns - Guuuuuuhhhhharg.  Who the hell cares? Maybe they'll merge midway through the game to form a super-cool-laser-sword-wielding-robot-team that still can't pass or run, that would at least look cool, and that's something, right? For all that's holy, their local markets should get to watch a different game, just for the change of pace. Winner: Nobody

Panthers @ Lions - Hush, Cam.  I ain't listening anymore. Stats don't mean a thing without wins. The Lions, whilst disappearing faster than my ability to keep coming up with different ways to say 'Chris Johnson is a thief who should be fed his own hair', are at least still hanging in the games. That's much more than the Carolina Next Years can claim if they're being honest with the mirror. Maurice Morris has the enviable opportunity to make it appear like he's been a hidden gem for the past - I don't know, 23 years? It seems like he's been somebody's backup-to-the-backup since Eric Hipple was leading the Lions. Winner: Detroit - Welcome back to Premier Status! (for four days, at least.)

The Tampa Bay Losing Team @ The Green Bay Winning Team - Next.

'What do you mean 'no dipping sauce'? This trade is void.'

Bills @ Dolphins - If anybody is having a rougher slide than the Lions down the scale from 'unbelievable' to 'about what I expected, which isn't much' it's the Bills. Meanwhile, I guess the Fins must've decided they got beaten down heartily enough for half-the-year to ensure they'll get a new coach, so they've started 'playing football'. Hey there Reggie Bush!  Where you been? We haven't seen you since, what, like 2005? What have you been doing with yourself, man, you look fantastic! It took long enough, but finally it seems like the guy that got the pizza is getting the short end of the stick. Well, unless it was a Meat-Lover's, then it's probably a push. But all that said, Winner: Bills.

RAIDAHS! @ Vikings - The Vikes should bus in a bunch of the Raider faithful and just let them tear the Metrodome down, seems like it'll save some time and debate. Unless of course the building just explodes from overinflation with sadness and misery.  Either way, I ask this one question: if you're Los Angeles, why would you want the Vikings? On four bald tires and a tow, the Raiders overpower the Minnesota Helgas; with a rejuvinated Carson Palmer remembering which jerseys to throw to, you guys should just take that gigantic horn out to the parking lot and shoot it. Then light it on fire.  Winner: Oakland.

This feels like better use of my entertainment dollar.

Cowboys @ Pretendskins - Once upon a time, this was a great game every year.  Once upon that same time, Washington also had a professional football team. I refuse to dwell in the past. Winner: Cowboys.

Cardinals @ 49ers - The Niners are going to falter a little bit on the way to the playoffs; it's inevitable, one of these weeks the Game Manager 2012 is going to have to actually DO something to win, and that always breaks bad. This will not be that week. Expect the Neeners to hand the vicious and unrelenting beating to Skeletor and the Cards that the Eagles opted to avoid in favor of curling up into a ball and whimpering. Winner: Jim Harbaugh's Never-Say-Die San Francisco Prospectors

Seahawks @ Rams - Huh? This game looks appealing to me, and I cannot fathom why. I think it's because both these clubs have been taking regular poundings, but somehow manage to each win a game they shouldn't have even suited up for, on account of it's abuse of the earth. So somehow, this is sort of the Super Bowl of the Lowest Tier, a battle for the 8th overall pick, if you will. And it's Steven Jackson versus Marshawn Lynch! While I would be more enthralled if instead of a two hour symphony of Trying Real Hard To Do Right By Our Fans from both teams, they just hooked each of those two bulls up to a couple of train engines and had a pulling race - or maybe had them just run full-force into each other until only one was left standing - something Thunderdomey, regardless -  I guess this'll have to do. I won't be expecting a lot of break-ins on the RedZone, if you catch my drift. Wait, so the Rams barely beat the Browns? That must still make the Saints cry.  Winner: Seahawks.

Listening to Fouts ain't helping

Titans @ Falcons - Don't care about this game one iota. Both these clubs are second in their division, and both are going to finish there and miss the playoffs.  Three cheers for 'not being quite good enough'!!! The score will be some crap like 24 to 17, somebody's gonna fumble, somebody's gonna get hurt.  Average City all the way; but it's still better than the NBA.  Winner: Falcons. Just because.

Chargers @ Bears - I'm saying it here officially: The Bears are going to the playoffs, and if anybody is going to beat the Packers before now and then, this is who's going to do it. I'm also officially saying this: the Chargers are a bad bad team, and there is going to be a fire sale at year's end, because they aren't going to the post-season unless there's a loser's bracket this year. Wait, is there a loser's bracket this year? No? Aw...now I'm sad. I would have liked to see the Panthers win that. Winner: Team Ditka.

Eagles @ Giants - Wow. I once thought this was going to be a great slug-fest, but the times they have-a-changed some. Here's the thing: I still think it's going to be a brutal, ugly eye-gouging affair, but now it's that's mostly going to be self-inflicted by the Philly faithful in a desperate attempt to engulf themselves in the sweet present of blindness. Vick has looked bad, but not 'maybe VY can turn this around' bad...because he can't, let's make that clear. There will be burning jerseys and effigies of Andy Reid warming the streets of Brotherly Love throughout this long and disabling winter, so at least we can take that away as one positive.  Winner: Giants.

'Dude, you got this in the bag...'

Chiefs @ Patriots - Son of a---seriously? That's the big-wrapup? Look, it's going to be a busy week, so you might want to prep your turkey, or make a pie, or just get loaded early as preparation. Anything, really - go cut down your own holiday tree, convert to a new religion and baptize some strangers at the Target,  or wrestle a bear! What I'm saying is, use your time wisely. And the less we watch, the sooner somebody cans Gruden and Jaws and we can stop having a weekly moron competition serving to generate interest in the place of the weekly slop ESPN gets to serve up. Tyler Palko?  Really? In a real game? Starting? You meant that? Winner: Pats.

This is where I normally like to 'wrap things up', or 'bid you adieu', or 'question why I didn't get an IT degree', but not this week boys and girls. Nope, this week, we bring you something special.......

What do you mean it's not entirely bacon? Thanks for nothing.

BONUS TURDUCKEN DAY GAME PREVIEWS!

Packers @ Lions - YAY!!!! A Packer game on Turkey Day! And even more exciting, it's gonna be the first one in twenty years that won't feature John Madden liberally basting Brett Favre for two and a half hours until everybody gets really uncomfortable. I thought the Lions would probably win this game about a month and a half ago, but then they lost all the running backs and poise and started the reunion tour of 'Calvin Johnson and The Depressors'. They'll be too tuckered out from playing a close game against the Panthers on Sunday to put up much of a fight.  Winner: Packers

'Now, about Aunt Jane's crotch...'

Vikings @ Cowboys - The thing with Thanksgiving is, as wonderful and great at it is to spend time with your kith and kin, let's face facts: four hours is plenty. But usually you get sucked in by the afternoon game, which begets too much time for Uncle Don to prove he really hasn't got a grip on 'the whiskey issue' after all and shouldn't be left alone in a room with the teenagers or really allowed to talk to anybody in a semi-public setting. Thankfully, in effort to not blow apart your Christmas plans a month early, the NFL has provided the perfect 'say your goodbyes, drive home for an hour and take a nap' offering to ensure your family's love stays warm throughout the holiday season.  Winner: Cowboys, by a gravy boatload.

49ers @ Ravens - This is a terrific match-up for Thanksgiving evening, absolutely outstanding. Too bad I'm going to be standing in line at a Walmart to get a 99 buck Kinect and  28 dollar copies of Arkham City and Madden Aught-Twelve, but that's what they make DVRs for, I guess. Worth it. This is one of the hardest games to call: I really do believe the Ravens are way better than they play every other week, but fer chrissake, give the effing ball to Ray and block, kids. I don't know what's up with these AFC squads ignoring what they're good at and then acting surprised, but it keeps happening. Here's to a faulty belief that the Ravens are good enough to just knock that crud off and hands San Fran a solid beating that will benefit both of these teams down the line. See, they're just helping the Niners with pain! It's all good. Winner: Ravens....and then a lengthy speech by Ray Lewis to wrap up the holiday right with a misguided belief that God gives a crap about the Ravens' game.

Let's all eat stuffing for breakfast!

Matt likes to type things under serious sleep deprivation, see for yourself @amazingmattyp on the Twitty