Welcome to The League, Rook...

Or: A Brief Primer For Fantasy Rookies On Not Getting Your Head Kicked In

by Matt Prendergast

Hey kids! So you say you're brand-spanking new to the time-engulfing, nerve-wracking and fun-filled pastime of fantasy football? Well, that's great news, welcome aboard! Allow me to be the first to tell you that you've made a tremendous choice in selecting a new lifestyle that will be rewarding for you for years to come. But now that you've made the requisite emotional commitment, what to do from here? Let your Uncle Matty and ReclinerQB.com give you a few helpful pointers learned from over a decade of snack consumption, statistical analysis, disconnected wi-fi mishaps and an ever-increasing, nigh-unreasonable disdain for Santana Moss.

What's that? You say your league already drafted two weeks ago? Well then, you've made a poor decision and set sail on this ocean in a horrible, leaking league that owners will be deserting by week 10 and we cannot help you, suffice to recommend that you seek legal counsel for all your future decisions.

But for the rest of you, we're now in the week-and-a-half that is prime fantasy draft season. I could go on for hours with tips and tricks, but you just got to camp, so let's keep it brief and dive in with some brief bullet points on how to avoid common rookie mistakes that would invariably make you the victim of scorn and ridicule for the next few weeks, months or lifespans, dependent on the particular quality of your friend base.

Dipping Your Toe In The Pool

What's the biggie? I just have to show up and pick some guys, right? Wrong, but I respect your ill-informed bravado, so let's keep that in the playbook for later in the season.

Here's the skinny: there's a whole lot of game variations weaved together in this quilt of enjoyment. You're going to be doing yourself and the sport a tremendous disservice by thinking you can get a grip on them right out of the gate. Keep it basic - I recommend a standard-scoring set-up (with or without PPR - though if you don't understand immediately the concept of 'PPR', or have thought that acronym is related to a medical procedure, your choice is 'without') with a 1QB, 2RB, 2WR, 1TE, 1K and 1D set-up - and MAYBE an RB/WR flex in there for extra uncontrolled-weep-inducing fun.

Let's be clear, you have no business whatsoever cannonballing in all willy-nilly to a Dynasty League or an IDP format, greenhorn. Yes, I understand you've loved football your whole lifetime, send Rich Eisen tweets at 3am on disturbingly frequent basis, and once saw Dwight Clark eating a honeybun at a Shoney's in North Dakota, but you don't know anything about doing this yet. It's okay. For the sake of your sanity, and because your family loves you, take your first year to learn, and then go ahead and do whatever ridiculous thing you want. But this first year, you owe it to yourself, and more importantly, your fellow league members, who now have your email address and phone number, to play within your zone.

And if anybody suggests you latch onto their 'awesome 2QB, IDP and Team D league' your first year out, drop them from your Contacts list immediately, because that person is not, and has never really been, your friend. I'd bet real American dollars that he probably also owes you money, hits on your lady constantly and has been directly responsible for breaking at least two of your mobile phones. Sometimes it's best to just cut bait.

Hit The Books, Kid

The single greatest thing I like to see in a new league member is that moment during the fourth round when their bright-eyed enthusiasm just drops dead in a horrific mangling of broken plans and unpreparedness. You don't want to be that victim, flipping frantically through that Pro Football Weekly Fantasy 2011 Preview Guide (published in April, when all the good football information is out!) trying to figure out why everybody made disparaging (and rather personal) critiques about your 'steal' selection of Randy Moss in the sixth round.

And you aren't going to get the edge by leaning on one or two sources. This is a game of luck for certain, but you're going to vastly better your odds at success by investing a touch more time in the trenches than watching SportsCenter highlights a week before your draft.

Read, research and listen - there's a lot of sources out here for you, grab onto a few of them, and vary it up. You already know Jamaal Charles is a really good back - you have eyes, so does everybody else - and that's why everybody in your league will end up with three solid contributors on their roster (we in the biz call that 'the first three rounds of every draft, ever'). You only win this thing (or at least 'don't get blown past weekly like you're some kind of subway turnstile, or Robert Gallery') in the middle rounds. That's where the precious artifacts are, Doctor Jones.

Make sure to mix it up - whether it's The Fantasy Football Guys podcast, ProFootballTalk, the ESPN and CBS cadre of podcasts, whatever, there's a lot of smart and reasoned opinion available to you in the audio format. Get hooked in to some Twitter feeds (I happen to be partial to Adam Schefter and Jason LaCanfora, but you'll find who you like) for rapid-fire updates and insight. The NFL Network seems to occasionally run pieces on football, so that might be helpful in your research as well, just an idea. And hit the web - all the information you need is out here, but you'll have to take the time to weed out the crud.

Or just take Jerricho Cotchery in the fifth round because he's still pretty good, right? I mean you've hear of him, and he is still playing, you can see that, so that must mean he's a solid fantasy pick-up. It's really your choice, no pressure.

Declare Yourself An Expatriate

I cannot stress this enough: I don't care how long you've been a Buccaneers fan, and how amazing that trip to training camp was, you should not be taking LeGarrette Blount with the sixth overall pick.

I get it, I'm a Packer fan by birth, and they have a lot of pretty solid fantasy options this year. As my money league is composed of eleven other guys in Wisconsin, at least seven of whom have that same devotion to team drummed into us by 40 years of watching Bart Starr win the Ice Bowl for God, America and the future of our children, I don't draft Packers very often, because they are inconceivably overvalued in that league (the defense went in the 5th last year, for example). It's bad business, and will kill the strength of your roster.

When you reach because you need to have 'your guy' before anybody else tries to whisk him away, you're losing value on your roster, while simultaneously making somebody else's stronger. (*truth-in-disclosure - I personally continue to struggle with an addiction to drafting Ricky Williams every year, as early as the third round in 2009, because 'I still believe'. This behavior has done nothing but cause undue pain to myself, and those who love me and still listen occasionally.)

Even if you're playing in an online league, if you show your colors, you're a walking target. Fandom and Fantasy Ownership are church and state - never the twain should cross streams (I like mixing metaphors - is fun!).

Be Not Afraid

This is critical: once your draft is complete, and the real enjoyment gets underway, KEEP PAYING ATTENTION. If you want to win, you're going to have to actually manage your team, and that means keeping up with the same information feeds you should have prepped with, and making some tough choices along the way. If your format supports a Injury Reserve spot, that makes it slightly easier than if it doesn't, but injuries and poor performance drags all fantasy teams down. You need to be the one who stays ahead of the pack.

What this means: don't be afraid to monkey around with your bench early. You're going to walk away from your draft with one or two guys that you almost immediately regret. Ex: 'Why did I draft Renaldo Nehemiah at WR? I know he's fast, but perhaps his lack of an NFL roster spot in the last two decades is going to adversely affect his contributions to my team'. You're exactly correct, so drop him after week one when somebody cans AJ Green for not scoring three touchdowns in his first-ever NFL game whilst simultaneously being a Bengal.

Back-up guys from early in the season can easily crap out, that's why you got them in the ninth round. But there's always a couple of out-of-nowhere breakouts that nobody saw coming. Last year, Brandon Lloyd was the perfect example - tons of talent, years of squandering, and undraftable in fantasy play. Then, under the bright lights of Mile High, he made Eddie Royal an asterisk and helped a lot of fantasy owners win a lot of games after they were quick enough to snatch him up.

What this doesn't mean: 'Calvin Johnson only caught three balls for 26 yards week one?!? I'm dropping that load.' Great players are great. And they will, by and large, overcome the adversity of even the worst team around them to succeed, but you need to lower your weekly expectations and reshape the team around them. There will always be anomalies (Matt Forte's sophomore outing, for example. Or Steve Slaton, in general) - guys that have world-beater years and then bring nothing the following....that's hard to overcome, and it's why I believe in grabbing guys with a couple year history of 'being better', than a dude with one season of fantastic (and it's why Arian Foster makes me nervous this year). Point is, you need to be patient with the all-stars, they've earned that.

TRUST NO ONE

Chances are great that the whole reason you've decided this year is finally the year that you're going to find out what all this fantasy fuss is about, and you're ready to make this change that makes you wealthier, stronger and better at life, is because somebody recruited you. Maybe it's a long-lost friend that found you on Facebook, it could be that dude with the wicked tube amp knowledge from the guitar forums, possibly that quiet guy from two cubes down, maybe it's your spouse, or even your child who is so eager for you to share in their fun. It really doesn't matter who, one thing is certain: that person will immediately try to start screwing you over.

'Oh, but Terry wouldn't do that!' you cry in protest (for the purposes of this example, your best friend is now named Terry. Please don't argue this point). You continue: 'Terry and I have been best friends since we were four, he named all six of his children after me, and I rescued him and his dog from a diesel-truck fire on I-794 last year, we're solid.' You have spoken truth.

And now so will I: Come the seventh round, when you turn to 6 year fantasy league vet Terry, your blood brother, and ask him quietly 'I don't know man, do you think Housh is going to really sign that contract with the Bears and be something again? I mean, he was AWESOME!', Terry will look anguished, shake his head, then nod and say 'Oh man, I was totally going to take him last round, I didn't think anybody else would figure it out. The Ravens didn't know how to use him, but that's the perfect fit, it just makes sense. Housh and Cutler? That's gonna be unstoppable. Total steal, dude'.

There is no love in fantasy football. So ends the lesson.

If you'd like to follow my random thought process and continued fascination with shiny objects, your best bet is to do so on Twitter @amazingmattyp. Or check your local police beat.