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| 'Hey kids, now go into your mother's purse and get out a 20...' |
You know the drill - Scott Hanson hosts the NFL Network's RedZone channel, and it's football sugar overload. I come here and pull out some observations that might just slip by, but mostly take any opportunity to critique announcing teams' hair choices.
It kicks off at noon....enjoy the ride.
11:35 - Pregame. Two observations - 1) Now confident that Warren Sapp maintains his employment at NFLNetwork solely because he makes Michael Irvin look like Football Einstein by comparison. 2) Nobody delivers nachos, or even tacos in this area. What the hell?
11:42 - Warren just called Andy Dalton 'The Red Rifle'. I like that. Point: Sapp.....however, he's done this whilst wearing an Irvin-cut sport coat. You're not fooling me.
11:59 - And this is another good argument for having older step-children. Taco/Nacho situation is being handled, crisis averted.
12:00 - While the RedZone intro video is certainly stolen from 'Tron 2.0', I should be thankful it doesn't feature Cee Lo, or Faith Hill, or Green Day, or the ghost of what was once Paul McCartney.
12:02 - BATTLE OF OHIO! Game of the year. Love this one....oh, and Andrew Luck is preparing to show Mark Sanchez what a first-round quarterback plays like.
12:05 - Falcons start off with the ball to begin the first of what is sure to be a dozen scoring drives. RAIDERS!
12:06 - Interception, Oakland Raiders. And this is where it starts falling apart, Matty Cripes.
12:07 - Daryl Richardson broke out a 44 yard run against the Dolphins. Thanks for the effort all those years we sucked, SJax!
12:08 - The LEG! Rams up by three. Also, just to compare, Andrew Luck is working with Donnie Avery and having success. How does that feel Sancho? McFadden fumbled the ball back to the ATL. D-Mac knows how to maintain parity.
12:10 - Future convicted felon Cliff Avril just brought down DeSean Jackson for a huge loss on an Eagles trick play. Good call, Reid, but I'd start with just 'completing passes'....Matt Bryant misses a field goal, the Raiders are still in this.
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| Wheeden chose a new agent during contract negotiations. |
12:12 - Wheeden picked on his birthday basically at the line of scrimmage. That's not how you treat a senior citizen, Cincy....deplorable.
12:16 - Jermaine Gresham with a 55 yard catch and score! Gresham has all the potential to be Jermichael Finley, if Jermichael Finley had been born with arms.
12:17 - DOUBLE BOX! - Oak/Atl and Ind/NYJ. Yeesh.
12:20 - Vick Ballard looks like he has the eye for the outside lane and shifty feet of a young Mike Alstott.
12:22 - Luck just totally Sanchezed that end-zone throw to Fleener. KC just turned the ball over back to Tampa. Game may end with a negative score.
12:23 - Legomatic! They better start watching Greg Zuelein's reps, gotta make it to the end of the season.
12:24 - HOLY CRAP! A DEZ BRYANT CATCH!
12:25 - Matt Ryan with his second pick. Raider Nation wins another battle.
12:26 - I told you DeMarco Murray would be able to run on the Ravens (and he had a 30 yard scamper earlier). What I neglected to mention was that Felix Jones would be unleashed as well.
12:27 - Nachos are here. I'm gonna need a minute.
12:29 - Darius Heyward-Bey is ridiculously tough....great end-around reverse.....you know how good Calvin Johnson is? The Lions have absolutely nothing else going on, and they still can't stop him. TEBOW IN THE JETS GAME! For a three yard gain. Stupid.
12:30 - Felix Jones TD on the review.
12:34 - Antonio Cromartie in on the Jets' offense. They'll try anything to fail spectacularly.
12:39 - Whilst I was getting tacos, Mark Sanchez threw a touchdown, and LeDarius Webb had his knee blow-out on him....and the Ravens' D continues it's downward fortunes.
12:40 - Brandon Wheeden just dropped a 60 plus yard TD on the Bengals via Josh Gordon. Mohammed Massaquoi might as well not even rehab.
12:43 - Mike Vick fumble. Recovers. But I'm gonna say now that it'll be weird seeing somebody other than Andy Reid on the sidelines next year.
12:45 - Roddy White for 6....that hope you had sure was intoxicating for a minute, wasn't it Oak....Eagles' center now fumbles, and he makes sure the Lions get it, Follow-through, Mike, follow-through.
12:48 - Shonn Greene actually looks like a running back today....Jets up 14 to 3 after a Luck pick off Wayne's hand to Cromartie.
12:49 - Beautiful bomb over-the-shoulder-where-nobody-else-could-get-it strike from Matt Stafford to the Eagles Nnamdi Asomugha.
12:55 - The Leg is mortal - shanks one, finally.
1:01 - Two interception returns for scores for Antonio Cromartie. Both denied for penalties. In the Ravens/Boys game, Haloti Ngata went to the locker room, RAY RICE TOUCHDOWN!
1:03 - 'Marlon Moore' just caught an endzone strike from Ryan Tannehill. Maybe they said 'Marvin'. I don't know, probably not gonna hear that name again.
1:04 - Maybe they said 'Mormon'? No, that doesn't sound right.
1:06 - Third Raider pick of Matt Ryan. THE WHEELS ARE COMING OFF, SMITH.
1:08 - I don't know there's a worse-looking team with a winning record than the Eagles....Vick Pick to Louis Delmas.
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| The Original Red Rifle. Wait, is Carson Palmer related to Adam Corolla? How did I miss that? |
1:11 - Touchdown AJ Green, the Battle for Ohio is catching fire like the Cuyahoga River.
1:13 - Tony Romo pick! Took until the second quarter, but finally Tony comes through! I think it might have been trapped, but I'm not looking that closely.
1:16 - The amount of success the Chiefs have had this year in winning games seems to be directly related to how many times a game I hear Dexter McCluster is targeted. A lot today, bodes poorly.
1:16 - A Jets linebacker just caught a fake punt or something from Tebow for a first down, hard to tell what exactly was going on there. Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow. Tebow.
1:18 - Where were these Colts last week against Green Bay?
1:22 - Jason Hill with another Jets touchdown - isn't that the guy they signed last week? AND THE COLTS SHUT DOWN JORDY NELSON?!?!?
1:23 - And there's your Torrey Smith touchdown of the week, combined with a Morris Claiborne injury...Smith pushed off on Claiborne, and Claiborne got called for it. REAL REFS!
1:25 - 'They need LeSean McCoy to take this ball into the endzone and get that ball out of Michael Vick's hands'. Wow. Also, LeSean did just that.
1:37 - Not much going on, it's hovering around the halftime mark for most of these games....
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| This is the second image that comes up when you image search 'Weeden' |
1:42 - Whatever the opposite of the word 'lithe' is, it's got to have a picture of Andy Dalton next to it. Runs like Tom Brady.
1:45 - Vincent Jackson score on the throw from 'Meh'. Buccaneers pulling away. Nobody cares.
1:46 - I've now seen Dez Bryant catch four balls today. I think Irvin suited up today.....Jason Hanson just said 'Jason Witten beating Ed Reed on that' as if it were surprising.
1:52 - Jacoby Jones sighting - 108 yard return for a touchdown. Cowboys are in trouble this year.
1:58 - CARSON PALMER! Keeping the Falcons in the game with the clutch fumble.
1:59 - I see. Dez Bryant plays well on the weeks I bench him. Very good then.
2:08 - Dez Bryant touchdown. Dink.
2:12 - 2 touchdown day for Shonn Greene. SELL HIGH.
2:18 - LeSean McCoy is hurt....Montario Hardesty is stopped at the one.....Running Back Mayhem.
2:21 - Hardesty finally hammers in - WHY ISN'T THAT RICHARDSON?
2:25 - The most clusterf***ed play you're going to see this year just happened on a punt attempt by the Buccaneers....I don't even know what to say other than, 'congrats Chiefs, that was your Super Bowl!'
2:27 - Pass Interference on Brent Celek negating his own touchdown....more impressive as he didn't commit pass interference.
2:28 - The negative: Vick got sacked on 3 and goal. The positive: somehow he did not fumble.
2:29 - Philip Tanner running for the Cowboys. DeMarco out with a sad foot or something.
2:29 - And now some guy named 'Dunbar'. Waiver wire is heating up out there...
2:31 - Wrapping up early this week....low numbers, but more importantly, I've got to iron a shirt, and that's going to take some time. Thanks for joining, we'll see about next week.....
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